reminiscing memories of a ghost

It takes 10x as long to put yourself back together as it is to fall apart -Finnick Odair 

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside yourself- Maya Angelo; I know why the caged bird sings 

"In the darkest of times, hope is something you give yourself." – Zuko

⚠️Warning⚠️

- minor swearing

-angst heavy   

-very emotional 

Read at your own risk

Happy summer

enjoy, Rayla

        REIKA/ ANICA POV

         After a long thought on this, I deiced to gather all my courage to confront a place I once called home. It was getting late and I didn't want their families worrying so I sent Hana and Tamaki home. I deeply sighed and had that nail biting thought of 'What if I still had a family? What if they were still here? Would things be different then? just maybe...' I shook off the worries traveling down these near empty streets.

I head to the Yamanaka flower shop and pull down my hood once I entered the shop. I cast-ed a light transformation genjutsu that made my eyes  a shade of sea foam green like Gaara's, I always thought that they were a pretty color to have. My hair was still black hair but had highlights of a rich shade of brown mixed in. I deiced that I'll leave on the close I have since anyone barely seen me in this outfit. My two long twin tails now styled in a  simple but messy bun.

I picked out a couple bouquet of flowers. One cluster had some Irises, specifically blue, beautiful white and yellow Frangipanis, an assortment of blue, purple and pink Hydrangeas in another.

A bright red floral bouquet held beautiful but mysterious Spider lily flowers with some poppies filling in the blank spaces.

I also grabbed a basket full of red and white tulips and a smaller bouquet of about a dozen black roses 

"That's an awfully a lot of flowers." the cashier noted "I bet it's not a coincidence that all of them in one way or another means death and morning." she adds as she rings them up, my eyes shift to the floor but she didn't see because they were hidden by my bangs "May I ask who did you lose" I didn't respond as a dark storm began to creep up, clouding my once bright sea foam green eyes. I don't really blame her for her ignorance, I get it trying to do small talk and everything but that's creeping the line. It seemed that she caught on and immediately apologized "Oh, I get it, it must still be a touchy subject. Hontōni mōshiwakearimasen, Yurushitekudasai" she politely bowed her head

"No. Its fine" I replied not really taking it in that way, because I knew it wasn't intended that way so why waste energy its pointless.

"I have a request. Can you possibly weave theses into a couple of wreaths?" I said pointing to the red and white tulip basket "I get if that will coast me a bit more, I don't mind paying extra." I quickly added

She gave an understanding nod "That's easy dear, no problem. How would you like it?" 

"Solid colors, split the red ones up to make two wreaths instead of just one perhaps." 

she nodded "It'll be done in no time" taking the tulip basket to the back

a couple of minutes later a younger blonde teenager walked to the front of the store, I immediately recognized her as Ino, team ten's resident Konuichi and heiress of the Yamanaka clan. She was tending to some other late night patrons with their purchases, she glanced over at me and beamed a small smile "May I help you?" 

"Oh no, just waiting on something" I replied  

"Ok" she nodded and turned to another customer 

A few more minutes of waiting the woman that helped me out before came out with the tulip basket, "Here you go" she said handing me it with a small smile. Inside was three ornate wreaths two red and the other white. I took the wreaths out and placed the boutiques in then set them on top so they wouldn't get ruined

"Arigatō" I softly thanked with a small bow "Oyasumi" with that I pulled up my hood and walked out of the shop.

I stopped by a hair care store and picked up a couple things of hair dye -cause why not.

GRAVEYARD

        Okay so here I am, 12:40 in the morning. In the middle of my own clan's resting place; A graveyard, it doesn't really help the mood much, unless your going for gothic wiccen vibe or mysterious and spooky loner, which I suppose in this situation it would say fit the latter bit better. 

As above rush darkened skies

Days turns to nights as they pass by 

Everything becomes Nigh

I am in a cemetery alone, now one could call this creepy and call me weird but its nothing new.

"Hello my oldest friend, loneliness" I mummer-ed as the rain pitter-pattered against the dirt and stone path

I knelt in front of a gave of an old friend, pulling down my hood reveling my down casted eyes now back to their original onyx color 

Uchiha Mikasa

A girl too young, too innocent for this world 

My the next life be generous

R.I.P.

I set the basket beside me, and a small pale of water I got from a well not far from the entrance. taking a pair of incense sticks and lighting them in front of her grave. Tho now saying this it kinda sounds a bit counterproductive since it were, you know, raining and all. 

  The engraving is not wrong, she was just a young girl with the whole world ahead of her. One single night changed that, prevented that, crushed that girls hopes and dreams then and there; With every other kid. 'It's no fair, nothing is' I gripped the hems of my kimono top, tears faintly streams for the unjust. I quickly dry them and started speaking, 

"Hey Mika, long time no see. I'm sorry I haven't spoken in a long time, 3-4 years actually. You know I try and forget, live in denial, can you believe that cause I can't." I took the time to polish the grave stone from all the dirt and dust it has collected over the years of neglect. I mean who wants to be reminded that you are possibly the last of your kind, that your family no longer exists. No one wants to feel that way.

"...but...if- i-if we forget the ones that have fallen then who will be there to remember."

 My voice wobbly as I say that, tears of sorrow brimming my eyes but it won't be the first time I will feel that mind boggling feeling. Blinking the tear away, I lower my head despair cloud my heart as I try to form my sentence.  "MIKA I'M SO SORRY- I'M SO SO SORRY. We were young- young and naive, we thought that time was on our side....What fool we were." My down cast eyes darkend "To even think that it could come falling all at once, to be taken away in a heartbeat. Well look at us now, me here talking to you- your lonely grave among many- many that had a bright future ahead of them- ahead of you, of I. If I could change anything I would give you a second chance to live the life you deserve, to help you achieve those dreams." I say earnestly, pausing to catch my breath after the long tyrant, placing the wet rag back in the bucket. 

"Mika...She misses you too, Tamaki misses you very much." My eyes flicker down briefly, staring at the cluster of Iris hydrangeas lilies and poppies in my hand I had combined the two boutiques then split that bigger one in half putting one half on her grave "It's funny you know, its funny to think that- perhaps, just maybe Hana, she could be you reincarnated living out your unfulfilled dream. Funny right." Finally I placed the white tulip wreath around her grave stone, saying my final words for now. "Mika...I wish I could change the past, I wish that fate was nicer, no one deserves this, for a life to be cut short especially cut so short before it even begun. Mika, wherever you are I hope it is better than this forsaken world." a couple of tears dripped down my cheek

        After that I slowly got up, grabbing the rest of the flowers and the water bucket and walked further back until I came upon two more headstone, these bigger that Mika's. I do the same thing and kneel in front of them and do the same thing.

These are the people I've dreaded, I've grieved, I've missed more than anything else. The people that raised me for that short time, the ones I yearn most to just turn back time for. I barely remember their faces....but their smiles, their laughs and love;  That's something I can't truly forget

"Ne okāsan, otōsan" I glanced down at the stone and dirt path with a bittersweet look more intense than with Mika. "I-I know I haven't talked in a long time. I-" I said, trying to keep a steady breath, giving a weak smile "T-this is all my fault if I-" I shake my head "Can I really blame myself for something like this? I-I know that this isn't my fault…Bu-but why does it feel that way?" I ask no one in particular "I want to save them, but- I hate them…I- I don't know what I should feel? I mean I hate them but I don't want to abandon them!" I yelled getting a bit flustered over my wishy washy emotions, pulling on my hair and sniffling a bit. "...Like they did to me" I added in a barely audible tone, a couple tears trickle down my cheek

'I want to hate them for all their idiocy, I want to strangle them, kill them even for everything they put me through. I feel so torn: which ones right and which ones wrong? Its so much easier if it were that, simple black and white.'

I know its a lie for the most part, yes of course it doesn't mean I won't deny it. Maybe I've been living a lie my entire life, who knows? It won't get much better. I hate them being dense but I love them, it hurts me to know that they are out for blood; But maybe that's the cynic in me. After everything I'm not sure if I believe in happy ending anymore. I feel tears prick my eyes, treating to leak out

"I WANT TO HELP BUT THEY MAKE IT SO DAMN DIFFICULT!

Urgh! Why does this have to feel so- so complicated! I don't know what I should be feeling or…it's all a big blah, just one big complicated blah. I don't know if I should love them? If I should hate them? If they even deserve it? The things I'm willing to do in the name of keep my family intact. I want to save them," I sucked in a breath of air trying to keep my voice from shattering "b-but I don't know how. I-I'm not strong enough to do it. I-I'll n-nev-never be strong enough. Even if then- then it'll feel like my family is being torn even more, either way I look at it- I've already lost you I don't want to lose them; no matter how much of an ass they are they are still family a-and family" I couldn't hold the strength anymore as I began to choke on my tears, the words getting stuck in my throat "...they- we have to stick together….right?…So many things changed. You can't believe how many things changed," I croaked "yet there are things that stayed the same."  feeling a wet streams trail down, its like uncontrollable streams they just kept coming. "I wish that this was one of them that stayed stagnant. It'd be so much easier if that was the case."

'Just pour out your heart. There's no one here, it's just you…and the ghosts'

"Then -then why did you have to go? W-why did you have to leave me? Sasuke needed you. I needed you! ITS NOT FAIR! WHY CAN NOTHING BE FAIR?! *sniff* If there is one thing I've learned it is that the world can be so curl and unforgiving and nothing could change that." My voice filled with bitterness, not at them; That just be a waste of my energy, 'there is no point to waste energy on the dead.' But it was aimed at the world. The curl curl world. My eyes shift down flooding with all kinds of emotions, the most prominent ones were anger and sadness but a bit of relive. Happy to get this off my chest even if it doesn't brighten my mood all that much, I still feel like crap.

"I really hate him, Itachi, for what he done. HE'S SUCH AN IDIOT! I really thought that maybe there could be a better way, maybe there was…There has to be a bigger picture. There has to be th-th-this untold story that I'm not understanding. Will it stop me from hating him? NOT A CHANCE!" I shot up my sadness turned to fury in a heartbeat, and begun to angrily pace back and forth

"AND SASUKE! I mean I get his whole revenge thing, even tho I still think its a bit stupid. BUT STILL. HE-HE LEFT...without me." I said the last part in an almost broken tone. I clutched my fist tightly that it was turning white, I didn't need to look at down to know "HE LEFT! HE DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ME! DID HE?!" Tears were crawling down my cheeks, swiftly blending in with the wet raindrops as they pitter-pattered down to earth

"WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SURROUNDED BY SUCH MORONS!" I exclaimed with an annoyed groan 

"I must have one of the most rotten luck" choking on my tears. I was so angry I wanted to throw a chair, or knock over a table, or punch a wall, or just something to direct my rage to.

'Maybe this is how Sasuke felt.' 

I felt like I was a time bomb about to go off. Then, complete silence...

A thick silence started to suffocate me, it was so thick you could cut it cleanly with my scimitar 

Nothing can be kept hidden from the dead for long; candidly speaking. I take a deep breath aiming to calm my volitional state 'In 1...2...3...4 out 5...6...7...8' I counted, I did that a couple of times until my breath was once again in a steady beat

I bit the inside of my cheek, I maybe in a calmer head space but the agonizing feeling still gnawing at the back of my mind "Did you ever love me? I know stupid question." I scoffed then sighed. "I need to know, I need to know you hear my cries... I need to know that I'm not alone, alone in this godforsaken world" I stammered with a broken edge, closing my eyes in attempt to hold back the sob fest that just wanted to explode like a dam ready to burst.

I paused for a minute before feeling a flash of this strange feeling I haven't felt in awhile. A happy feeling, an excited one, tho this one was different; somehow I knew that this one didn't quite reach my eyes. 'Well I done that...I should feel better, right? I mean I got the closer I desperately needed.What else is there to see.' "I mean besides trying to save Sasuke's butt. He should thank me." I say the last part out loud with a bit of smug attitude 

That brief moment of victory soon faded away and soon followed anger for him then sorrow and longing, and shortly realization; realization at the fact that something I cannot cower from or use as this safety net anymore.

The reality I so desperately wanted to deny for what would be the rest of my life, to have that bliss even if I'd be turning a blind eye to the truth, 'So what if I live the rest of my life in denial. I can't now. can I?' I thought to myself My face went from its prideful expression to one of hurt and wistfulness. 

I just realized that by doing this I cannot hide the fact anymore. Usually they say that if you confront it that it will make you feel better, just the opposite it makes me feel worse and the epiphany that I'm more alone then before. Of course you're not truly alone. but it sure in hell feels that way.

The only noise were the rain and my own sobs that filled the air as I melted into a pathetic puddle. For that moment it felt cold and alone, darkness my only friend that will not leave me, like everyone else has... like they will...eventually everyone will. 

TRANSLATION

(used goggle translate sorry if these aren't 100% accurate)

Hontōni mōshiwakearimasen, Yurushitekudasai = I'm really sorry, please forgive me

Arigatō = thank you 

Oyasumi = good night

kāsan =mom

tōsan = dad

ne = hey