Why can it be me?

I wish I could turn back time. When I wasn't this depressed nor broken from past experiences. A time where she could have remembered me. Now I do believe that sometimes there is a wrong timing when things are going great. Right now I don't have a clue on what to do. What to feel? I'm still figuring things out. So confused on this situation I'm in. My feelings are a mess. She makes me happy. But I dont have a clue if there's even a chance that I can exists and her memory.

John asked Ana if who would she like more. John or Joseph. What happened on that moment was something that broke my heart.

"Well I'd choose John you silly. You've been my friend for so long and also who is Joseph by the way?" She asked cluelessly

In just a few instance Ana had forgotten me. Like this day and all the memories that I would keep. Ana had already lost. I have already lost. John had won. Maybe not Ana's heart. But she has something that I dont know if I'll ever get. A place in Ana's life. A part in her memory. That she'll never forget even with her short term memory. Because they have met long before I came. That's why I dont know what the heck am I gonna do. The timing of our first time meeting was wrong. That's why I have all this feelings and memories that I'll be carrying. We keep on meeting each other. But in the end I'm the only one who knows that we had met before. Do I have to redo it every single time. Introduce myself and tell my story a million times. I can do that yet I also want to be remembered. By the only person who I want in my life right now.

Christmas was right in the corner. As my break from school arrives. All I did was stay at my apartment. Lay down in bed all day. Letting overthinking take control cause right now I'm breaking down got nothing to do. Going outside seems to be painful. Because I'm torn apart by two sides. A part of me that is wanting to meet her again as I go out. And another part of me that's keep remembering each memory as I pass down on places we've been. In which I cant control my feet. For going on the same direction and destination. My mind keeps on reminiscing and my heart keeps on aching. Because I know that if we meet again. She won't know who I am. After some days being locked up at home. I decided to go outside. Didn't have much of a choice. My food supply and fridge are all empty. I went to a nearby market to buy food and needs.

After I'm done buying. Again there she was. I dont know why is this happening. Why do I keep on meeting her. On times like this. Where I'm loss and confused. Shall I approach her. Or just keep on walking. My feet walks towards her. As I was just about to pass her. Someone held my hand. Then as I turn my eyes it was her again. With this face that seems to be lost. Asking me.

"Hey please can you help me get home"

She was asking me for help. Dont know if she recognizes me or maybe its because I'm the one closest to her. I'm overthinking every little thing after knowing about her short term memory. My mind is all over the place. A tear almost fell. Because the girl I've been thinking about. The girl I've been wanting to see at the same time not is right in front of me. Asking me for help. I just nodded and quickly turned my head because I cant be emotional in front of her.

As we walk through the crowd on this market. The whole time I was holding her hand. When we passed the crowd. I let go of her hand. The whole time I wanted to ask her if she remembers me. But I stopped myself.

"So do you know where you live?"

"Cant remember"

"Do you have a phone maybe there's something there about where you live"

Again this is me helping her from what I remember.

"Well here is my phone but it's turned off and I can't seem to open it"

"Maybe it's out of battery there's a nearby convenience store here where we can charge it so you can call someone you know to get home"

She smiled and said

"Ow yes you're right good idea let's go"

Seeing her smile. Both made me happy and sad. Happy that I made her smile. Sad that I'm the only one who might remember us meeting again. As she plugs in her phone in the charging station. We sat down and talked a bit.

"By the way I'm Ana thanks for helping me"

I know you're Ana. I wanted to reply with this but I didn't.

"Dont mention it I'm Joseph"

When I said my name guess it didn't ring a bell. She doesn't recall me even one bit. That's why guess it doesn't matter. We just a had a normal conversation. Then as we talk I keep putting cues about our previous encounters. The first time we met at the bridge. When we went to park. The plaza. Everything. But she didn't react even once. That means she really doesn't remember. When her phone was charged. She called John. Then once again him and Ana walked home together. I became a side character as usual. The conversation we had wasn't really that fun for me. Because the whole time I'm holding back the things I want to say. The questions I wanted to ask. All the feelings I have inside. I stopped my self from saying it. Then as they go home. Ana looked back at me smiled and said

"Thank you". Then they left

That was it. The time I realized it was always going to be like this. We will keep on meeting eventually. And I have to ready myself for that. To keep on remembering the fact that she doesn't remember me. That I'm always gonna be the one who holds on to this feelings, questions and memories. As I see them walking and laughing as they go home. All I can do was cry on the inside. Keep telling myself why does it have to be like this? We met in the most wrong timing. And there's nothing I can do about it. Cant turn back time. Go back to the moment before her accident. I wish I was John. A person she could remember always as her friend. I want to also be there for her. The one she calls when she needs to get home. The person whos name she'll remember. I want to be the one. But it just cannot be. That's why I keep on asking my self