Chapter 3

"Is that me?" I ask him, he looked at me confuse and shrugged his shoulder "great help". I said to him monotonously.

Then, we suddenly shift to my ow room, I saw myself getting screamed at by my ow Mother

"you failed another subject again! What will I do to you? Look out for you?!" she screams and saw myself trying to hold back my tears, I was standing in my own, never had a chance to explain anything, it's just the old me trying to absorb all those words given like I wasn't feeling anything "yes I know, I will try my best again." that's the only voice I heard. "That's how you explain yourself?" I walk towards her feeling frustrated, I cannot blame my own, but for once at least speak how you truly feel at that time, Joie.. when Reaper suddenly grabbed my arm trying to stop me.

"You can't go near to your younger self anymore, it's dangerous" He explains, I looked at him, and just nods because what he said must be true, I shouldn't try to change my past, the challenge here is to face it, and accept it and move forward. But my Mother just continuously, screamed at me, It's already painful, but if I pity myself more, I cannot move forward, what happens to the past is the past.

"What's happening to you? We gave everything to you! Why can't you be more like you're own cousin! He studies really hard!" The moment I heard that, I was angry and frustrated, and saw myself talked back, I can remember my face, trying to hold my tears, frustration and anger, I also feel it again. It's like I wasn't supposed to talk back but I feel like I needed to do it, to clarify and explain what I feel. "Why do you always compare me to him?!?" my old self talked back, and Mom never said a word and just says "Don't you dare talk back to me! And do you know what's the real problem here?! You're young and dare to talk back to me? You never knew anything! You never look at you're own surroundings at home do you even know that we're already suffering? you always fail at classes, and thinks you're useless! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WOULD LOOK AT YOU?!" when I heard those words again, I just felt a sharp knife came to my heart and it was reversed from my childhood. I just stood there watching myself completely speechless.

I look to reaper and tell my story when I was younger "I was 8 at that moment, and the first thing I remember is whenever I went out to play, at the afternoon, I used to climb our gate and play with my cousins and our other playmates, I really don't care about them at that moment, I just play and remembered that it's getting dark…." Then, I saw my younger self trying to reach the hook of our gate "I was so small… but I never thought that it was scary…. I just thought… 'hey I'll go home and eat dinner.'" I sighed, saw myself getting through the gate, and saw my Mom standing in front of me, looking really mad, and when she's mad she's definitely mad. "It never happened." I saw myself getting hit, for just playing outside, I look at my younger self again crying like there's no tomorrow "How innocent.. for just playing and just having fun while you're still young"

She grabs my arm and get into the house, "WHY DIDN'T YOU SLEEP, AWHILE AGO? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME IS IT?! AND YOU'RE JUST PLAYING OUTSIDE!! COME HERE." I saw my sister too standing at our room, who got blamed to because I was out and our Mom says "IF YOU MAKE ANY MOVE OR ANYTHING I'LL HIT YOU" then she leaves our room both me and my sister we're alone and we're just crying "I'm so sorry, you got here." she never speaks and we just cried softly, because we are afraid that if our Mom heard us crying, she'll hit us. I really don't get it why my Mom is always angry at me, if I was away and just be with my playmates. "I don't even know, if it's a good memory or not? Because I always remember I get hit a lot, maybe I was really a crazy kid who disobeys parents and just play. Until-- I entered middle school, I was in 8th grade that time when I just wanted to play video game in my laptop and my mom just dragged me out of the restroom because I think... She was angry because I'm playing a game instead of taking care of myself first, I don't know if it's a 50/50 fault" I said but Reaper never said a word and just let's me continue my story, I shrugged and said to him "you know what?? maybe it's true, because I was 14 and confused maybe, and I had no choice" He never said a word again, "Feel bad about it? I was young okay?" I explained.

"I don't know if this is right way to say it, It may be a 50/50 fault but getting hit for no reason, is just unknown to me, like I always explain to you, Reapers like us can't say anything, and we're just here to move forward." then he suddenly gently knocked my head for no reason, I laughed "What a great way to, console a spirit, huh. Mr. Reaper" He looked away, and I just still remember I've gone through when I was young the pain she gave me before until now as I've seen it again never heals, but even it happened before I really never forget about it and still haunts me.

"So, what happens then" I laughed sarcastically, and shy at the same time.. why would I tell this guy, that I got dragged outside, with a laundry lady doing her job, seen us, as my Mom pulled me by hair, outside, but this the story of how you confront the past and in order to move forward even that trauma haunts you, you have to face it at some point and tells him, like he was my therapist "I got dragged by hair outside, I was crying and just really shy because our laundry lady was there and saw it, I looked at her and just asks her to please… let this go, and just forget about it." I was really really embarrassed about it since other people saw me get hit and dragged by, my own parent.

"And going back to that memory, it just makes me think 'a 14 year old girl, dragged by her own mother, tells her that, if I didn't take care of myself first, she will shave my hair and make me go to our school telling everyone that I'm not a good daughter, and never follows a certain rule.'" I was on the verge of breaking down again, just re-thinking those memories again, that still haunts me up to these day, that even in death... I'm still in pain. "This is really hard, and I don't think I can tell you anymore because, I'm just scared and embarrassed about it" I said to Reaper, but he never talks and just actively listened to me, but I'm more shocked when he spoke "It's never you're fault, I don't know if that's the right way to discipline someone, I can never judged you and blame you for it, because what you've been through, is a brave act and hard at the same time." He says, can I just hug him? He's like a sweet brother, stranger because instead of speaking so harsh and he simply said again those words

"You're really brave to confront this memory." I got shy, and just not looked at him but instead of being actively awkward "FOR ONCE CAN I HUG YOU?" I smiled widely and offering to hug him, but he pushes my forehead gently "Hey, I'm only here to guide you, those memories you shared is enough already to be not too dramatic over this" Ahhh, he once again claimed the art of not giving a shit and know you're boundary.

I scoffed "K. I get it Mr. Edgelord" he looked at me annoyed and we started to relieve again my memories, so until when I grow more older, I still get hit a lot… I remember I was 18 at that time, It's definitely a huge fight because, as I grow more older I feel stronger to speak up but also afraid since I know that I will get slapped and smacked out eventually. We come back again to my room, these time the huge fight with me and my mom is happening, I bravely faced it again and saw her talking in a high pitched voice.

"What did you say?" She says to me it's the usual set up, I stood up while being reprimanded at it's about my school and the littlest thing I've done that hurt her eventually. "Well I said, loudly that…. maybe in the first place you never gave birth to me, and just kill me! Because right now I'm the one who feels helpless! Do you even know how I feel? thinking that I'm not good enough, and it's just better to get battered and die!" I said to my mom, without giving any shit and just burst all out of my emotions, At hat point I can finally feel that I can be at peace and never got hurt again, I looked down at my feet. "Then the next thing I knew it stopped, the hitting stopped, she tried to fixed it and I'm really grateful, but I was really that hard rock person, who just can't forget anything, like I can easily forget about it, I thought that time maybe this is the best way to let her know that it's gonna be not easy to heal for all those times I felt, but I never rebelled, I still listen to her, to know that I'm thankful that you finally understood what I feel" Yes, I did some bad things too, like a child being crazy and just do anything to the point I do not follow everyone.

And the clowning still continues until adulthood.

"You know, I can't say anything about that, you've been through, and brave to face it but did you actually change? you said that you're mother tried to fix it." I bowed my head down, "I did try too, actually when I turn twenty, I'm still trying to meet their expectations, that hopefully they can trust me too, and never looked at me like I'm an immature person." I paused for a second and looked at him again, annoyed. "Oh you tricked me again!" I pointed him, he shrugs his shoulders looks away, and I saw a little smile "Oy~ reaper! Did I spy I smile?" I looked at him and raised my eyebrows "Nah, just let's go through another" Another memory huh? Does this mean I completed the second stage??

"Did I finish the second stage?" he nods "you had a traumatic event, but you still fought for it, be proud" he says, as he sits in a log, but this time. "hey reaper, this is not the forest we've been too right? I will stay here again? Aren't I?" he looked at me surprised. "You're very clever." I crossed my arms and proudly says "told you so! I'm good at observing things." I scratch my head a little, while laughing, but he suddenly turns serious again "since you know it already, I'm heading out again. So relax here, and the third place might be tiring for you." I nodded and smiled, waved him bye.

"Okay! See you!" and he vanishes again with that black smoke, I looked around the forest and thought how cold to be alone… but at the same time it's not that sad. I've always feel like I'm alone as always, I can't open up properly, I tried to tell this to my friends, they understand it, I just remembered and missed my old friends… they were very understanding and never left me although they did get ahead of me…. since I got delayed, and graduated late. Because I have poor academic skills and also my professor know how bad my standing in class is.

The clowning starts again, whenever we meet up, and I always tell them that I'm okay, and still act weird around them but deep inside I always hide my own sufferings.

I laughed "how embarrassing… I wish I could just return it all back and do better, if there's a time machine or parallel universe, I wish myself that to be better and be more mentally stable" I saw a pen near the flat cut tree "how dumb? Placing it here… " I picked it up, looks at it "it's a clicker pen… oh.. wait! I get it, this my pen when I gone to my university, I always click it whenever I feel anxious, that's why some of my classmates gets irritated when we were taking tests." I smiled, it's the littlest thing that makes you either happy or sad. then I look at the sky, "Ehh? It's night time already?" The moon lit so brightly, the cloud is clear as the skies, It makes you feel at peace. The fireflies fly around you. "It's peace huh… peace of mind, whenever you feel anxious depressed?" I closed my eyes and saw myself looking at the skies, and just breathe.

"this confrontation, is about peace of mind." I look down saw my shoe, It's still dirty like when I saw myself flat dead in snow and saw a firefly lands on it. So I never had any peace of mind before, thought many things that makes me suffer, and this is the very first time that I am not thinking about anything. When I suddenly felt tired and eventually.. slept I.. guess? This is the very first time that I feel so light that I fell asleep.

"Joie?! Joie?! Joie Satoshi" someone's shaking me "Should um can call the higher ranks? Is this normal from a spirit?" Someone said, it's a woman, she has an auburn hair kind of curly, have I met her before? She wears black too almost like reaper's but different, my eyes are blurry and white.. and someone is calling? I looked at it to know, my gaze are very irrational and heard "Joie! Joie! My daughter please….please.... wake up!" I saw some flickering lights, I saw my…"Mom?" my eyes is very bizarre it keeps waving from light to dark from doubling vision, then I saw the forest and the woman in auburn hair. "Is this normal? Well the shot severed her head, and--" says the woman talking "Joie!!" a wild shake woke me up and I'm in the forest again I look around. And saw another face, it's the auburn haired woman "What happen to you? Usually, spirits from the other side can't go back? Are you angry that you died?" She speaks very fast and she's confusing me and she's not reaper? "Where is reaper? Um.. where's reaper?" I ask her, and her clothes is very formal she's wears like a woman in bodyguard suit. "Women in black style?" I said to her she raised her eyebrows and just quickly turns back my question to where's reaper "Ehem - Uh, you mean reaper 1224?" I nodded but whoever his name is. "He went up to the Ministry of the Afterlife." the what now? "What's that?" I ask her "Oh I'm sorry I can't say anything to you, but… you had an emergency here, and I have the urge to tell you the truth, that... it's you! You're fighting to stay alive!" She says, that makes me even more confuse and my eyes grew when she said it, "What? Clearly I know these phases or stages I've been going through and the part of why 'I'm now dead and this doesn't make any sense at all!'" What's happening to me over there.

And then suddenly I heard a voice, inside of me...

'Hey… are you glad? About your own selfishness?'

'You're struggling and now… you can't accept death'

'Accept me, all of your fears accept me!'

'You can't leave me like this Joie.. we are one..'