Artemis

I found myself sitting in the quarantine room and wishing more than anything that Rhi would burst through the doors wearing a hazmat suit and with tons of hospital games to play but the tone of her voice and the look in her eyes told me that I wouldn't be seeing her much even if she were still in the hospital.

I looked up when the door opened and Jaclyn walked in, she's still mad it seems. "That was risky and you know it. Maybe I would've ignored the six feet apart rule being broken but you had your tongues down each other's throats, that's even beyond what I can ignore." She spoke in an unemotional tone. "You broke her heart you know that," she said as she placed a clean pair of white bedding on the stark naked bed. "Your parents have been notified and they are on their way and doctors will be soon in after your parents have signed a consent to go ahead with the bacteria culture," She said in a clipped tone before exiting. I wondered who she meant that I hurt, it became a lingering thought when I look up into the observation room and my brother sat there starring at me.

"I don't know what you did but I really hope you're not breaking mom's heart again, she can't keep taking it," he said to me and I came to stand by the glass window used to look into my room. "She's on her way here, she'll be here soon and I need you to let her down slowly. She was used to the disappointment but then you changed and now it'll be like a new knife stuck in her heart," Clay said softly. "My patients isn't lost on you so promise you won't hurt her," he said and I promised. Just before he could ask anything mom burst into the observation room. She looked a little relieved at the sight of Clayton but her eyes saddened when she looked at me. "Mom," Clay greeted before hugging her, I wish I could hug her.

"Clayton, thanks for making it before me," she smiled weakly after speaking. "I might be here a while could you take my shift to pick up Hazel?" She asked softly and Clay nodded. Hazel, I'd even forgotten about her because I haven't seen her in so long. "Bring her around in the evening maybe she'll get a little sense into him," she said and he nodded.

"I've got to get back to work, mom," Clay said before waving to me and heading to the door.

"Don't tell your dad please. He's out of country and will stress over it, so let me tell him about it. Let me try and figure out a way to tell him," she pleaded with my step brother. Clay nodded before walking out.

It went silent and mom just sat down at the observation room table and she put her face in her hands. I thought it was silent but when my ears caught onto the sound my heart broke. Her light sobs didn't make much noise and they could barley be heard in the quarantine room but my heart shattered when I heard them and saw her shoulders shake.

"Artie, do you not want to live anymore?" She asked in a broken voice. I didn't know if it was a rhetorical question or if she really wanted an answer. "I mean we agreed that if this trial doesn't work I'd let you go across the world looking for your dad but this is-" she cuts herself off with a sob. "If you don't want to live tell me not to waste my money like this, tell me and I will let you go right now," she said her voice sounding stronger. "This is your opportunity to tell me and I will not argue but just listen," she insisted but I was shocked to silence. It went silent as I watched her dab a handkerchief below her eyes to catch all the fallen tears. "Do you know how terrifying it is to get out of a board meeting to find that you have missed calls from the hospital that your son is in?" She asked but I don't think she wanted me to answer that. "Well, it's blood curdling. Now imagine knowing that you've got a rebellious son who would do anything to escape the hell of a life he is in, might even choose death over anything else. It's not easy being the mother of a sick child," she pauses to think over her words and shakes her head. "I can see the person behind the sickness but it's hard to ignore the sickness when it's all that you throw around," she concludes it at that but she still looks sad. "Not only could you have killed yourself but you broke her heart," she said without sobs. "She likes you and you broke her heart. I didn't even have to talk to her myself, I knew when they told me that she was the one who found you," she says her eyes never meeting mine.

"What do you mean?" I finally find the voice to ask.

"You think I don't know? A cute girl shows up and all of sudden you're interested in your regimen, it's no secret she had a hand in it. You talk about her non-stop to Clayton like you can somehow hide it but I birthed you, Artemis, I can tell when you're in love and I, for one, know that she likes you too," she said and her eyes finally met mine, sometimes I wish I'd taken the colour of her eyes. "But you messed up," she said.

"So Jac told you everything?" I ask after a long pause of silence. And she nods. I've got nothing to say to her, the disappointed look on her face says it all and I don't want to speak because I fear I'll give her something else to be disappointed with. Her phone rings, she looks down at it before asking to be excused and leaves to take the call.

Not long after, Jaclyn walks into my room wearing a hazmat suit and my electrical devices in her hand. "You might want these to apologize," she said softly as she placed my gadgets down at the table. It's silent for a while again but she stays in my room, she's conflicted to tell me something so I might as well talk.

"Do you think I broke her heart? I thought she didn't even like me," I spoke and she pulled a chair to sit next to the bed I was seated on.

"You can't tell me that you didn't see it. She got you to follow your regimen again and she set up your med-cart, that's basically her admitting her crush on you." She said but when she looked at me she could see that I wasn't convinced at all. "You can't be acting so dumb here. She got you to follow your regimen," she said firmly.

"So?" I asked with a raised brow.

"Artie, let me ask you one thing and then maybe it'll ring a bell. Who's death is the regimen prolonging, and in turn lengthening the life?" She asked. I didn't have to say anything because she saw it in my eyes and it finally clicked in my brain, the answer was me. "Now explain to me why she'd try so hard to keep someone she didn't like alive?" She asked again but I knew she didn't need an answer, everything was obvious. She stood from her chair and started heading to the door but I needed some questions answered.

"Jac," I said to catch her attention and she turned back to me. "Do you think she'll forgive me?" I asked her but with my eyes downcast.

"I brought your devices here in hopes that it'll slap you in the face that you need to apologize. She's with her dad so maybe she'll forgive you," Jaclyn said.

"Is she still here?" I asked.

"I really don't know but I don't think confronting her right now is a good idea, the image of you with Scarlet is still fresh in her mind. But, I'll tell you what, she's off with her dad which means she'll be in her happy place for the time she's away from the hospital. People tend to be more forgiving when their happy, so I think these next few days are your chance to apologize but do it soon. If you do it when she's back here she'll be grim from being away from her dad and the heartbreak would've already settled itself in her heart," Jaclyn finished before she opened the door but I stopped her again.

"Since she's leaving, is she going to take her fish tank with her?" I asked and she shook her head. "Well who's taking care of the fish?" I ask and she pointed to herself. "Can I take care of them instead?" I asked. She looked at me for a little while and she squinted her eyes at me before she finally nodded. This time when she turned away I didn't call to stop her and she left my room.

I started setting up the bed because it didn't seem to me that I would be going back to my room anytime soon. Once the bed was done I collapsed onto it and stared up at the white ceiling. I couldn't help shake the look on her face, she looked destroyed and I couldn't help but think that maybe Jaclyn and my mom were right about me having broken her heart.

The door to my room clicked open and I sat up to look at who it was and I was met by doctors in white coats. They greeted me before poking and probing me; they took blood from my veins, mucus from my lungs and saliva from my mouth before they left and I was back to being alone. Mom hadn't come back from taking her call and Jaclyn hadn't come to talk to me again. So I decided to do what most sorry people did, I picked up my phone and called her. It rang four times before it went to voicemail.

"This is Rhi, I'm busy right now but please leave a message and I'll get back to you," the recording of her voice said before the beep sounded.

"Rhiannon, I wanted to apologize for what I put you through and also for jeopardizing my regimen. I'd really like to apologize to you personally, even if it means hearing you speak unemotionally to me, that's fine. I just need you to say something. I'll leave it at that and I'll call back later," I said before saving my message and hanging up. I rolled my phone between my fingers as I thought about what to do next but I had nothing else on my mind except to apologize so I called again.

"Rhi, it's me again. Uhm... I'm really sorry and I would like to talk to you so call me back when you get this," I said after another beep sounded.

. . .

"Rhiannon, I'm anxious. It's been two hours since the doctors came in for my blood and stuff and there's still nothing from them, and my mom disappeared a long time ago. You're also not talking to me," I say into the phone. "I feel like my support structure is crumbling with you ignoring me, my mom gone awol and Jaclyn not coming to see me. I'm basically having a bad day," I sigh before continuing, "I should probably go and stare at the ceiling. Please call back, I'm still very sorry." I end my fiftieth voicemail just as my door clicks open.

Jaclyn walks in wearing only scrubs and a clipboard is in her hand. She looks almost cheery and happy, which is saying much because Jaclyn doesn't possess those emotions around me. "I've got great news," she says, sounding bubbly. "The bacteria culture came in clean. No bacteria in mucus, no bacteria in saliva and no STI's in sight," she informs me and I am almost happy but she hasn't said anything about Scarlet and it has me a bit agitated.

"What about Scarlet? I convinced her that she'd be safe," I asked and Jaclyn took a deep breath in as she flipped the page.

"Well," she said, her voice dampened and her mood souring. "I'm sorry but Scarlet's test came out different and I'm not allowed to tell about them because there's a confidentiality clause," she says with a shaky voice. But she's never complained about this before, why would she do it now?

"Jac, I know you care about your work but I got her into this so at least tell me if she's okay," I said and she didn't budge with her story. "Jac," I pleaded.

"Look, there was a foreign bacteria found in her lungs, it's B.c and it's already colonized. The doctors think it's been there for at least a few weeks, it's a miracle that you didn't get it. But it's B.c and we all know it is incurable so she has been removed from the transplant list effective-immediately. She's getting transferred to a hospital that specializes in B.c for her own good," Jaclyn says in a shaky voice.

"Shit!" I cussed as my throat closed up and it seemed as if no air entered my lungs. I was hyperventilating and CF was dragging me deeper into a hole of lack of breath. "This is my fault," my voice came raspy and scratchy from the lack of breath. "I ruined her," I whispered to myself as my eyes darkened from the lack of air. Jaclyn dropped the clipboard and came to me to get me to breath right but my sight was darkening fast.

"It's not your fault," she managed to say between trying to get me to breathe. And I tried what she was doing until I could finally draw in enough breathe to sustain my body.

"I was selfish and it's my fault," I said softly as I looked up at Jaclyn. She shook her head and sat down next to me on the bed. She turned my body to look at her.

"Look, deep down we're all selfish," she said and I shook my head as I remembered what she'd said about Scarlet. "Yes, we are; even me," she says and points to her chest. "And life's also selfish. Rhi was selfish because she yelled reflex to stop your interaction, I'm selfish because as head of the teenage department I took up the job of nursing everyone because I don't want to let anyone out of my grasp and you were selfish. But life is selfish because maybe this was it's way of showing us that Scarlet was infected and needed to be removed from the list so that you, Rya and O'Rein can move up the list and so Scarlet could get good help," she finished but I wasn't buying it, she could see it. "I need you to promise me that you will not come into direct contact with Scarlet, even if it's you both being in the same room," she says and pauses, "this is a precautionary measure for all Cfers. Rya and O'Rein have already been told and had to get cultures done to make sure they were safe, this is not an exception to you."

"Can I at least see her once?" I asked and she looked long into my blue eyes.

"I can allow her into the observation room but nothing closer than separate rooms," she said softly. "I'll get her to come just after your evening AffloVest session, okay?" She asked and I nodded. She bid me goodbye before walking out of my room and I immediately got to my phone.

"This is Rhi, I'm busy right now but please leave a message and I'll get back to you," the recording of her voice said again before the beep sounded. Hearing her voice, even the recorded version gave me a bit of comfort.

"Rhi, I think I've got good news or bad. I don't know what it is, I'll just tell you," I said in a bit of a cheery voice. "The bacteria culture came back clean and I'm in the safe zone but Scarlet has B.c and she'll be getting moved, I bet you're gonna like the moving part," I say with a small chuckle. "It's almost time for my evening AffloVest so I'll get going, bye," I spoke before hanging up.

I called three more times while wearing my AffloVest and coughing up mucus into a bedpan before Jaclyn came back to drop off dinner precisely at 17:00, she didn't stay long and I didn't waste time demolishing my food. Once Jaclyn took my food and made sure I swallowed my pills she left again.

I thought I was alone until I heard a voice, "you look okay." I turned around sharply to look into the observation room and the moment I saw her scarlet hair my throat started closing up. "I think Jaclyn told you what's going on with me," she said with her green eyes looking as if she had been crying. "I'm really sorry I put you in risk like that. I really didn't know I had it," she said her voice breaking at the end. She put her face in her hands as she started sobbing and I moved closer to the glass, I wanted nothing more than to hug her and stop her crying.

"Scarlet, please don't cry," I said softly as I placed my hand on the glass in efforts to get closer to her. She looked up at me and wiped her tears. "It's not your fault, it's okay," I reassured.

"You're too good for your own good," she said softly. She was about to say something but her phone chirped before she looked at it and looked back up at me. "I have to go but it was good seeing that you're good. I don't regret it at all by the way, I liked it," she said before walking out of the observation room and my mood sunk further then it already was.

I grabbed my phone and called a couple of times before I decided that I'd be heading off to sleep. Just as I snuggled into bed I called again. "I know you're mad but anything hurts less than the quiet. It's even better if you yell at me. Anything would be okay, just not the silence," I said after the beep and then hung up.

I tried calling again but it was unavailable and I just called it a day at that.

. . .

It's another day and I've been moved back to my newly sterilized room. I've made two trips already to Rhiannon's room to feed her fish. I've also called her on a continuous basis, updating her about my day. I watched Scarlet leave from the safe distance of the hospital and believe me I actually didn't think they'd move her so fast. Rya, O'Rein, Abby and Amsterdam are all giving me the cold shoulder, that's probably because Rhiannon told them. Because they've become distant, I had to eat breakfast and lunch on my own. Jaclyn hasn't said anything to me the entire day, she wasn't even the one who moved me out of the quarantine room. My mom called to explain her disappearance and her reason was that Hazel had hurt her arm playing hockey at school. They also came after lunch to come see me; mom, Hazel and Clay. Hazel has grown so much that I can barely call her my Jelly-tot but she doesn't mind the old nickname.

It's evening now and I've got my AffloVest on as it vibrates and I spit out mucus into a bedpan. I've been staring at my phone in hopes that she'll call back but the only calls I've gotten ever since my last voicemail was from my school friends telling me that they'd be coming to see me soon. I leave a message before I go to dinner, dinner alone feels even worse than it once was back when I'd first come here. After dinner I make my way to my room and once I'm there I get ready for bed while still leaving voicemails.

I call a last time for the night but this time it does go to voicemail because someone answers the call. "Rhiannon?" I called into the phone.

"No, I'm her dad. Look whoever you are you seem very persistent, young man. And believe me, nothing warms Rhiannon's heart more than consistency and you're nailing it. Whatever happened she'll forgive, I know my daughter doesn't keep grudges. For now stop calling and at least enjoy the last fleeting moments of your Saturday," he says before I say goodbye and we both hang up. I hadn't even noticed it was Saturday, I was too absorbed in leaving a ridiculous amount of voicemails to notice.

The last fleeting moments of my Saturday are spent binge watching Bojack Horsemen on Netflix, concentrating on something else other than how sorry I am. It kind of feels good to feel like a normal teenager again, well, as normal as CF would let me feel.

. . .

The next day didn't change much from the last: I left her countless messages on her voicemail, I fed her fish, had all three meals of the day alone, had to go through my regimen alone, went to talk to Dr Perez because I felt depressed and had a conversation with Jaclyn about life.

Just as I was climbing into bed my phone started ringing and I ran to the charger where my phone was. I slid the answer button and held it to my phone with expectation clear in my actions. "Hello," I said into the phone.

"You've been calling," her voice was great to hear although I had been hearing her voicemail recording. And all of a sudden all the endless practice I'd been doing couldn't help me as all of the words I'd practiced disappeared from my memory and my mouth remained shut. "I'm only calling because my dad convinced me to," she said softly before she sighed.

"I want to apologize," I finally found my voice to say.

"I know, I've heard all the messages you left," she said even softer than before.

"I mean it, I'm sorry. I really am," I said.

"Look, I haven't been ignoring your calls. I'm just not ready to forgive you just yet and that's why I wasn't taking your calls. But I have this odd feeling that my mind has already forgiven you but I don't think my..." she drawled thinking of her words. "I haven't forgiven you as a person. You know my grandma used to tell me, the mind may forget about the hurt to protect itself but the heart will always remember the pain of the hurt," she finished. And then there was silence for a while but she talked again, "I'm going to try and not become distant because I don't need space, I just need some time." I am silent and she's silent. "Don't misunderstand me. I want time, not space," she said once more.

"I hear you," I simply put it because I had a feeling that she didn't really like me.

"Well, I've got to go and soak up the last moments of not being at the hospital. See you tomorrow, okay?" She said before we both bid our goodbyes and she hung up the phone.

Sleeping become a lot easier with an at least clear consciousness. I hadn't had much sleep because I felt too bad to get sleep.

. . .

"So you're saying you've got a bad life?" Dr Perez asked and I nodded my head at him. He shakes his head at me and takes in a deep breath. "That's the thing about you teenagers, you're all so intense. Some tiny thing happens and you just skip everything and say that you've got a bad life. What happened to just having a bad day?" He asked and I really had no answer. "Well, tell me why you have such a bad life," he instructed but I couldn't even list a lot of things that made it a bad life in my head so I stayed silent. "Exactly what I thought. At what point are you ignoring all the good that has happened just so you can say you've got a bad life?" He asked but I didn't think this one needed an answer. "I'm here if you wanna talk but don't ever come and tell me that you've got a bad life," he said as he jotted something down on his notebook. "Well then, what else would you like to talk about?" He asked.

"Rhiannon," I said and I spilled everything that I felt like I couldn't tell anyone else except Dr Perez. It kind of made me feel lighter, not having it weighing on my mind anymore. We talked until I thought I could talk no more about her but I continued to spill the beans but finally I did stop. "Thanks, I really needed that," I spoke after all my word vomit about Rhiannon.

"Well if that's all, we'll go for lunch now. Seeing as we've missed it due to your lengthy session," Dr Perez said with a pep to his voice. I nodded to tell him that we were done and we both walked to the door and he yanked the door open with enthusiasm– the big fatty would never pass up stuffing his mouth.

When the door was fully open, on the other side stood Rhiannon with her hand raised to knock but she stared blankly at us. She withdrew her hand and she smiled up at Dr Perez, he smiled back at her. I wish she'd smile at me too but I messed up, I can't expect her to forgive my actions so soon.

"Hey, Artie. Hi, Perez," she said with a toothy smile on her face as if she had no care in the world. As if the past few days of torture I had gone through were all in my head. But I must admit she really looked beautiful smiling like that, with no care in the world.

I watched as Dr Perez gave her a fat hug and I wish she'd hug me too bit we're not that close, I doubt she's even okay breathing the same air as I am— I've been going through a self-loathing period concerning my actions towards her.

She looks up expectedly at Dr Perez but the big fatty just turns towards me. "I'll get Jaclyn to send your food to your room, that also helps you with the cafeteria issue, you know..." he drawled out waiting for me to respond but I had my mind on other things not his words but I nodded either way. Then he turned to her, "don't tell me you need to talk," and said but she nodded and he knew that she too needed to talk. "Oh, no!" He exaggeratedly said and threw his hands up in the air with a big frown on his life. "He is so in love with food," Rhi mouthed to me as Dr Perez whined before we both burst out laughing. It felt good to laugh for once, it felt even better to laugh along with her because it made me a little less guilty for putting her through what I did. Dr Perez draws his reigns back from his childish behavior before he insists, "I am hungry and I need food, we can talk while I'm eating." They turned to me before bidding goodbye— I guess it's back to being alone for me.

"So..." she said to him as they started walking away.