Artemis

Three weeks passed with everyone hiding out in their rooms due to finals, Rya had recovered well enough to have been discharged to write her finals in an actual school, she was for the first time in a while out there instead of in here. The only ones who remained were O' Rein, Rhiannon and I. But it wouldn't be that way for too long. After three weeks of sleepless study nights and early exam mornings we were done writing and I was happily making my way to Rhiannon's room to finally bother her after letting her focus on school for the better part of the past three weeks.

As I walked down the corridor, passing nurses greeted me and I felt just like Rhiannon on her first day here. Oxygen tank in hand and mask on I entered her room with a knock as her door was already wide open. Inside not only Rhiannon sat on her bed but O' Rein and Rya were also sat in different spots in her room. "Hey," I greeted and they all greeted back enthusiastically. Rya even flashing me a smile— she'd warmed up considerably to me.

"Guess who's getting discharged next week?" Rhiannon asked beaming at me. I'd grown to love how she nonchalantly made me guess things that she knew I already knew about it was her cute way of letting me know about her life. Her smile was contagious and I couldn't help but smile too despite knowing I'd be stuck here while she was out there in the real world. "I'm going home, I'm going home," she sang in a sing-song voice as if not being able to contain her joy. She got off her bed to jump around dancing a made-up dance in joy of her coming departure.

"Seeing as I'm out and she's leaving, we just have to pull one more stunt some time next week," Rya said with a cunning smile on her face. "For old times sake if not for anything else," she added with a devilish twinkle in her eyes. We all agreed to come up with something to make Jaclyn so angry that smoke would bellow out of her nose and eyes, with that we started planning. After a few failed planning attempts O' Rein went off to go to therapy with Perez. Rhiannon excused herself to go take a quick shower and while she did Rya had a word with me.

"So what happens when she has to leave, rebel?" Rya asked and I shrugged having not thought about that yet. Actually I had thought about it, I'd thought about how much I didn't want to think about it but that seed of resent for her leaving sowed itself into my mind permanently, always a remind that she will leave me soon. "Her parents tell me she's pushing off college for you," she says and at that my eyes widened.

We hadn't even discussed if she wanted to go to college—more like I never really asked, I never thought that I'd have to ask. Hearing that she was putting off school for me made me feel at fault rather than highly making the whole thing romanticised. It's like she was giving up her life to be around me and that was something I didn't want her to do. Her giving up her life for me would become a chore eventually and once it became that she'd be a prisoner to my CF, I didn't want that to happen.

"You know that you have to do it, right?" Rya asked and my heart fell at her words because I knew exactly what she was talking about. "If you really love her, you will let her go," Rya adds just before Rhiannon walks out of her en-suite and I excuse myself to give her some privacy to get dressed.

My thoughts run rampant and I make my way up to the rooftop. Rya was right, she's not always completely right but she's never wrong. I didn't want Rhiannon putting anything off for me, I know how that can become consuming and suffocating. I've seen my mom put off so many things just trying to be there for me; waiting room after waiting room, trial after trial and never really doing anything for herself if it meant not being there for me. And that's something I didn't want for Rhiannon, she had her life to live and I didn't want to be the shackle around her ankle. I knew exactly what I had to do but something that my selfish self would never have done, but it's needed.

On the rooftop I look out at the view of the world, I feel so detached from it and Rhiannon was the only tether to it that I had but I have to let her go for her own good. I need to help her help herself. I take a deep breath in of the cold air, it stings my lungs and cause me to cough. The world has become a slightly frosted version of its former self with the light coat of snow starting to settle on everything. I climb onto the edging of the rooftop trying to do as Rhiannon does when she need to think, but I've got no guts to do it. I instead sit with my feet dangling off the side of the roof, my hands are cold, my breath is foggy and I partly wish I was as selfish as I used to be. If I was the same I'd say 'to hell with everything, let her give it all up for me' but it's harder now.

My mind wonders as I sit on that ledge fingers turning pink, cheeks rosy and me constantly pulling my beanie further down over my ears to protect them from the cold. I sit there looking down at all the parts of the hospital, replay memories Rhiannon and I made there. My chest is heavy from what I need to do, I guess I do have a heart after all.

"You've been there for a while," her voice is unmistakable, but I'm more shocked that she isn't yelling at me for being outside with my condition. I can hear the soft pitter-patter of her feet on the rooftop floor. She surprises me and sits next to me without another word. "I showed this place to Rhiannon when she was 12, told her that this is a place for thinking. Are you thinking too?" Jac asked from beside me. I don't answer but my lack of response is answer enough. "Seeing that you've been here for over an hour I think you just need someone to talk to and if you don't want to talk it's okay to be consumed by your thoughts sometimes, just as long as they don't keep you stagnant." I glanced over at her with a heavy puffer jacket thrown over her scrubs and her hands shoved into her pockets. Without a second thought I wrapped my arms around her with a heaving chest. She hugged back. I moved away just as the tears were about to come. "It's freezing out here, how about we get hot chocolate?" She suggested after a while of silence and at this she took my hand in hers before we made our way inside.

At that time, having hot chocolate with Jaclyn in the cafeteria made me realise that she played a mother's role for all the teens in the hospital. And my thoughts finally settled having been calmed by the silence as we both sipped on the hot chocolate in our cups— she really did care.

. . .

Later I found myself sitting in my room going through social media posts of my friends, I hadn't seen them in a long while. They were still busy with finals and most posts were describing just how stressed out they felt. I continue scrolling through social media before there's a knock on my door, I answer that the person can enter and in comes Rhiannon. She's dressed in a sweatshirt that she took from my closet during finals just so that she wouldn't miss me too much, hair in a messy bun of curls and with a smile on her face. I was happy to see her as well but my heavy heart wouldn't let me enjoy it.

"You've been MIA the whole day, even Perez didn't know where to find you," she says softly and I shrug. She walks further into my room, coming to sit on my bed. She glances at my opened laptop, he eyebrows furrow. "Did I do something wrong?" She asks softly, looking frustrated with herself. I drape my arm around her shoulder before pulling her to my chest. She's tense but I wrap myself arms around her and hug her tightly.

"You did nothing wrong," I say softly to her and she eases into the tight hug, hugging my back. I rest my chin on the crown of her head and take breath of her strawberry scented hair. I cling onto her because right is the time for me to hold, to kiss, to keep her to make for the times that I won't be able to.

For now, I hold her to me because I love her.