IV

"The truth is that it hurts because it's real. It hurts because it mattered. And that's an important thing to acknowledge to yourself."

—John Greene

IV.

"What on earth is the matter with you?" hissed Ruby in a terribly bemused tone.

Only once Adam and his siblings had left the kitchen with Mrs Hayes did Grace emerge from the laundry, stepping tentatively as she did. Her heart was still thundering in her chest, and she felt the need to rub her eyes, to pinch her arm, just to make sure that she was truly awake.

Grace was certain that her cheeks were flushed. "I thought I saw a bee," she murmured. "I don't like them."

"Inside?" scoffed Ruby. But she didn't dwell on the subject for long. There were much more pressing matters as she raced over to the kitchen maids with a wicked grin on her face. "Gentlemen!" she squealed, though hushed.

The two kitchen maids looked just as starstruck and excited at the fact that Adam and Jack had only just been through. If they had come from afar, it was highly likely that many of the servants would have never encountered the Beresford family before.

Grace would certainly never advertise that she had known them once. She didn't really know them now, and as a servant, it was not her place to engage in any sort of familiarity.

And then the contents of Adam's letter hit her again, right in the stomach, taking the wind out of her. Lord, how easy it was to think of him as merely Adam. He was not Adam, nor would she ever address him as such.

He was Lord Beresford, the heir to the dukedom, and everything that she was standing on.

"That's quite enough from the lot of you!" cried Mrs Reynolds, clapping her hands to grab their attention. "Honestly, if the reverend heard such frivolity, he would rap you three over the knuckles with a cane. Now, we have suddenly a meal to prepare for His Grace, so Elsie, Eve, move it!" She waved on the kitchen maids and they quickly returned to their chores.

Bells started to ring, and Grace could remember Adam telling her once that the ropes in each room were connected to the bells downstairs, alerting Mr Cole their need for a servant. The family were well and truly returned, and Grace was quite certain she was going to have a coronary.

***

When great, rich families like the Beresfords returned to their homes after extended absences, the household were expected to greet them in a receiving line outside the house. As they had returned early, Mr Cole had ordered every footman, housemaid, kitchen maid, gardener and groom to form a receiving line in the entry hall instead.

Adam was going to see her. There was no way around it, and Grace was at quite a loss of what to do. She was not so much worried about what he would do. She truly expected nothing from him. He had grown into exactly what his parents had wanted him to be; a gentleman. She was afraid for herself. Grace didn't want to feel hurt again. She had spent so much of the last decade convincing herself that what was done was done, and it couldn't affect her. She certainly didn't want to cry in front of him.

There was a part of her, a large part, really, that felt ashamed. Grace stubbornly didn't want Adam to be right about their positions. Cut from two very different pieces of cloth, he had called them. She remembered his words exactly, as though they were burned into her memory. How literal his words would be when he looked upon her in the dress of his servant.

And there was another part, this one smaller, that was battling to come to the surface, to convince Grace to walk right over to her former friend, and to punch his perfectly manly jaw. Only a cruel person would hurt someone they were supposed to love, and he had made her a promise. She never thought that Adam would be one to break his word.

Grace stood in a straight line of maids, between Ruby and Elsie, a sea of black and white. She kept her chin down and hoped that as he had changed in appearance, she had, too, and would not be so easily recognised.

The only room that had been properly opened before Mr Cole had ordered for the assembly had been the drawing room, and the duke and duchess emerged together.

Grace felt a pull in the pit of her stomach as she laid eyes on the duchess. She had always been a very glamorous woman, and a day of travelling had not changed that. Twelve years might have passed, but she still appeared as youthful as porcelain, draped in diamonds and rubies, and dressed in a high waisted red satin gown that looked to be the epitome of fashion in town.

The years had not been as kind to the duke as they had been to his wife. He did look older, his skin a little paler and weathered. He was still dressed exceptionally well, and he greeted the onlooking servants with a respectful nod, whereas the duchess seemed to wear only a sneer, as though there was a foul smell in the air.

The sound of feet descending the stairs caught Grace's attention, but she quickly caught herself and brought her eyes back down. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Adam, Jack and Susanna join their parents in fresh attire. Mr Cole stepped out before them and bowed his head. The rest of the household followed suit, and Grace dropped in a curtsey.

"Cole, it is very good to see you, old man," Peregrine Beresford greeted his butler with an old familiarity.

"We are so very pleased to see you are returned, Your Grace," replied Mr Cole. "I hope the journey was swift and uneventful."

"Yes, well," murmured Cecily Beresford distastefully, as though she was most seriously displeased about something. Though, as Grace had never encountered her otherwise, perhaps this was what she was always like.

Mrs Hayes stepped forward next, motioned to come by Mr Cole, and she was received by boththe duke and duchess. Cecily even smiled, and Grace thought her face might crack. For such a reaction, the duchess must have really liked Mrs Hayes.

"Mrs Hayes, how do you do?" asked Peregrine eagerly as Mrs Hayes curtseyed.

"I am well," she replied earnestly, "and I am very glad to see you all back at Ashwood after so long."

"I thank you all for gathering here to welcome us," Peregrine raised his voice to speak to the hall. "My family and I are very glad to return to our home, and I am grateful to see it in such condition. Maintaining such a house is no easy feat, and you all have my thanks."

"I trust that as much care as is necessary to open the house will be taken regardless of our unexpected arrival," added Cecily, ice in her voice.

Grace suspected then that the duchess' mood, even if she had always seemed put out, was connected to their early return. She wondered if it had anything to do with Jack ... he had seemed sloppily dressed and dreadfully tired. Like he had been drinking. That's what a lot of men in the village looked like when they fell out of the tavern.

He clearly was not a member of the clergy, though when she had last seen him, he had been marrying Grace and Adam.

***

Adam and Grace used the servants' staircase to go down to the library, no running the risk of encountering his mother or his father. Jack could always be found in the library, his nose buried in a book.

They found Jack on one of the settees, lying on his back with his legs in the air, leaning against the back of the sofa. He held his book up in front of his face but craned his neck to see who had entered the library.

He looked relieved when he saw Adam and Grace. He righted himself, sitting up on the settee and abandoning his book beside him.

Jack had the same hazel eyes as Adam, but darker hair. He was dressed only in breeches and a shirt and would be considered utterly disgraceful by his mother if she saw him.

Grace often noticed that Adam's mother scolded Jack quite a lot. Jack could be silly and naughty, especially in church, and the duchess never seemed very fond of him.

Her own mother had called Jack "the spare", though Grace was not entirely sure what it meant.

Jack grinned when he saw Grace, appreciating the breaking of rules, but it turned into a smirk when he saw Adam holding Grace's hand. "Mustn't let Mother catch you," he teased.

Grace looked to Adam.

"Never mind her," Adam said dismissively. "I need your help, Jack. Would you marry us?"

Jack looked completely dumbfounded. "What? Are you mad?"

"Just say the words," Adam insisted. "You're going to be a clergyman; don't you know them?"

"But you have to be grown up!" Jack insisted. "I am just a boy and Grace is the same age as me ... you are not grown up, Adam. You are only two years older than me!"

Adam released Grace's hand and placed his hands on his younger brother's shoulders. "Please?" he asked again, softly. "You know I'm going away to school. I want to marry Grace now and I'll do it again when I am grown up. You know how much I love her. You like to tease me about it."

Grace's mouth dropped open.

Jack smirked again. "Well, I suppose I do know some of the words."

"What are you doing?"

All three of them turned towards the door to see seven-year-old Susanna Beresford standing there, clutching the arm of her doll. She had a pink ribbon in her hair, one that matched the sash on her otherwise white day dress.

"Nothing. Go away, Susanna," instructed Adam.

Susanna did not obey her brother. "Can I join in?" she asked as she trotted over to them, her blonde curls bouncing.

Grace worried that if they did not allow Susanna to stay, she would run off to tell her mother, and the duchess would find out that Grace was somewhere she was not supposed to be.

"Adam is going to marry Grace," Jack informed her, his wicked grin returning.

Susanna gasped in pure delight. "A wedding?" she exclaimed. "Can I be your bridesmaid, please?" she begged Grace, dropping to her knees and seizing the hem of Grace's dress.

Grace looked up at Adam, and even he could not help but smile at his younger sister. Grace knew that Adam loved his younger siblings, the same as Grace loved hers. One day, they would all be family properly. After all, Adam had promised to come back.

Jack cleared his throat. "Please take your lady's hand," he instructed, deepening his voice.

Adam chuckled and took Grace's hand in his.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this boy and this girl in holy macaroni."

***

Susanna was no longer wearing her bonnet, and Grace could see through her eyelashes that she wore her hair in a beautiful, twisted knot with curls, with a few fresh flowers pinned throughout. She looked the epitome of a young debutante. Grace wondered if she even remembered begging to be her bridesmaid when she was little.

"They are much grown since many of you may have seen them, but please allow me to introduce my children. Lord Beresford," he gestured to Adam, who smiled politely as he nodded to the servants.

Grace dared to look at him, but he was not looking in her direction. She noticed his eyes returned quickly to his brother. Jack looked rather green, and Adam's concern was on him.

"Lord Jack Beresford." Peregrine's tone tired a little as he gestured to his middle son.

Grace almost thought her suspicions about a problem with Jack were confirmed.

"And Lady Susanna Beresford."

Susanna beamed, shuffling on her feet as she nodded to several people in greeting.

"Thank you again for gathering to greet us. I am sure you all have many things to do, so please, you are dismissed." Peregrine waved at them.

Grace did not need to be told twice. By some miracle, Adam had not seen her, and she was not going to wait around any longer in case he did manage to look in her direction. She, Ruby, and a few other servants were responsible for opening the ladies parlour, and so she sped off in that direction, leaving her thundering heart behind her.