Confessions In The Dark

Late in the night there is a hesitant knock on my door. For a frightful second I think it is my husband but then I realise he would not have been knocking after tonight's scene. Mortified I had gone to bed as soon as I came back to my chambers and fallen asleep quickly after that, though nightmares I could now not recall had haunted me. Someone knocks again, this time a little firmer.

"I'm sorry Your Grace I would have come sooner but father stopped me." Edmund stands breathing heavily in the doorway like he has run from the great hall. "He's almost as bad as your wretched husband."

I hush at him, wave him inside and lock the door behind him.

"What are you doing here at this hour? Do you understand how this looks? What if the King or someone close to him saw you coming here?"

"I made sure no one saw me." Edmund does not seem concerned and there is something different about him. He appears taller to me now even though that is nonsense. "I spoke to Your Majesty tonight. He had his share of wine and when I told him of my ambitions he confided in me that we are going to war."

Unexpectedly I have a hard time breathing normally.

"What does that mean exactly?"

The words are difficult to say even though I already know the answer.

"I am going to France", he said smiling, holding his head up proud. "I'm going to fight in France."

Fortunately I find the chair behind me before I fall. My head is heavy, spinning and I fear I am going to be sick.

"Emily what's the matter?"

Edmund rush to my side and take my hand. It is the first time he has said my name and not called me Your Grace. Even if his voice is rushed and filled with distress, there is still a soft ring to the way he said it.

"Don't go", I mumble weakly.

"Of course not I will bring you some water."

He is getting up but I do not let go of his hand.

"Don't go to France."

He looks at me baffled.

"Of course I am going."

I hold his hand with both of mine and I know I will not let him go even though a part of me wish I could.

"What if.. What if you do not return?"

"Then I will die a soldier's honourable death."

Fuelled by fury, swiftly I release his hand and begin pacing across the room with small quick steps.

"Then leave," I shout, pointing towards the door. "Go and die in the mud and see if I care."

"Have you gone insane? What is the matter with you?"

I want to restrain myself but I can not. Feelings too powerful to keep inside are surfacing and I raise my voice once more.

"I never thought there was going to be a war!"

Edmund is silent and then my powerful rage is gone as soon as it arrived, leaving me confused and exhausted. Where had all my manners gone? I am not the kind of person to lose my temper. I finally look towards him again but he does not hold my gaze for long and I am glad. What I had time to see is nothing good.

"I wished to bid you farewell," Even as he speaks, Edmund is still fixing his eyes on anything but me. "I am leaving for Kent tomorrow and then joining the troops. Take care Your Grace."

And just like that is it back. The cold phrase to bundle all the Ladies and Lords into one and the same. More than anything I wish he would have said my name again.

He has nearly reached the door and even though I know I should let him go, I can't allow it. As I touch his arm, he turns towards me, and when I see his face I cannot stop myself. His embrace is as warm and comforting as ever.

"Don't go." I pull back and watch his stern face. "Please Edmund", I plead once more. "Don't leave me."

I move my hand from his back to his cheek and feel him tremble at my touch.

"Emily don't." There is an even sweeter ring to it the second time.

All he has to do is leave or move away from me but he doesn't. I know very well I am defying my husband, my King and Almighty God himself but I cannot deny my deepest desires any longer. Edmund's face is not as smooth as I had thought but his lips are. There is not a single thought left in my mind except from that I will never let him go. My legs nearly fail me and I am lucky Edmund holds me firmly in his arms. The kiss which sets my soul on fire feels like it lasts forever but still ends too soon.

"We mustn't", Edmund mumbles with a thick voice into my hair.

"I belong to you. I love you."

It is the first time I say it out loud, even to myself, and it scares me more than I could have imagined even though I know the words to be true. For a time I had believed what Charles and I shared was love but when I was in Edmund's arms everything that had been before him was erased from my memory.

He kiss me again with his hands in my hair while my tears are streaming down my face.

"I know it's wrong and foolish and… " He says while drying my tears. "I have loved you since we shared our first dance. I am yours."

As our lips meet once more, I savour his wonderful scent of sandalwood mixed with tonight's sweet wine. When I pull away I have to catch my breath and my heart is pounding heavily and swiftly beneath my ribcage.

We lay down next to each other with our hands intertwined. After some time has gone by, I remove my nightgown and Edmund gets rid of what remains of his clothing. After simply studying my body for several minutes, he begins to move his hand, light as a feather, over my arm, breast, hip and leg. He has a wonderful wide torso with deep brown nipples which I have to taste. His touch is as gentle as his embrace but at the same time firm. When he at last is inside of me I feel the tears coming down my cheeks once more. Edmund begin to pull away but I do not let him. Instead I wrap my legs around him and grab onto his shoulders like my existence depend on it and kiss him deeply.

"Did I hurt you?"

Edmund's voice is thin and he does not look at me even though I am laying next to him, the sensation of the warmth of his hand in mine, still feeling drops of sweat running down my back. I thought that someone as handsome and highborn as Edmund would have taken the chance to bed a chambermaid or one of the many women I had seen watching him longingly at court but it was obvious that he had not.

"I know I am no King but.."

I interrupt him with a kiss.

"I am happy. I wept because you make me happy."

Edmund sighs and start to chuckle.

"Then we should savour the time we have left."

I sit up and move down to the edge of the bed. After everything we have shared he is still leaving me and for what? A wretched, bloody war which he would not survive, but had to endure. He caress my back and plant a light kiss between my shoulder blades.

"I made a promise to Your Majesty. I made a promise to myself. This is something I have to do."

I feel like weeping again but I am weary of salty cheeks and I do not want to waste any more time. Now each moment is precious and every second I do not spend in his arms is torture.

The birds had begun their usual melody as Edmund left my side. After the first time he had taken me with more confidence and passion. We had laid silent while our bodies recovered and pleasured each other all over again. He had whispered words of love in my ear but now the bed was cold. Now I cannot make myself move. If I move I will break the spell. If I move he is truly leaving. If I just lay here and close my eyes perhaps I can rewind time. If I only had one more hour with him, I think achingly. But one hour would never be enough. At this moment, it did not even feel like a lifetime together would be sufficient.

His face have hardened as I view him again and his look is determined. It nearly seems like he is already out the door.

"I will write you as soon and as often as I can. I will send the letters to my sister so you will not risk anything."

"And she is trustworthy?"

"She would do anything for me."

My eyes are burning trying to stop the water from seeping out as I fall into his arms.

"You must return to me."

He tilts my chin up and gives me a kiss that make my head spin.

"I will return, that I promise you."

With those words he walks out the door and leaves me sobbing so heavily that I fall to the floor. I do not sleep that night or the two which follows but at least my eyes goes dry. My hand rests on the cold side of the bed as I wish him back. I pray to God for hours, asking him to forgive us both and to not punish Edmund on the battlefield for our sins. I ask for strength and that God will grant Edmund the chance to uphold his promise.

I do no longer pray for a child that does not exist, neither for Charles nor for some small kindness from my husband but only for Edmund to return to me safely. When I think of him in a raging battle I shudder and get on my knees again. If me and my sinful behaviour will be the reason that God decide to take his life I can never forgive myself. Even as I spend more time on the cold, lumpy chapel floor than I have since arriving at court, my prayers do not give me the same solace as they used to and I do not know why.

During the fourth night I fall asleep out of pure exhaustion and dream of Edmund warming my bed once more. When I wake it is dark outside my window and strangely enough a few snowflakes are falling from the star filled sky. I open my window, take in the crisp air and see the abnormal weather as a sign.