A New Normal

March 1414

I sit up in the bed with a jolt, gasp for breath and feel my damp nightgown stick to my back. The blade had cut into his flesh like it was as smooth as butter and I had seen it all so clearly. This man bore no resemblance to Edmund but I know it was him. He was surrounded by enemy troops with no allies in sight and yet he had fought fiercely until the sword pierced his back. He had fallen to his knees with a string of blood coming out of his mouth as he slurred my name. He would never return because he would burn on foreign grounds before his superiors wrote the standard condolence letter to his family. From the dark, a hand suddenly grabs a hold of my arm.

"I am here."

I lay back down and feel my heartbeat slowing down as I look into Edmund's eyes and he strokes my cheek. As my head is resting on his chest, he keeps repeating the same words over and over again. I am here. Slowly, but reluctantly, the horror begins to release its hold of me.

This is the third night I have had the same dream. In all of them Edmund suffers the same horrible death and I am once more alone. Edmund and the other men that had gone to war had only been back for four days and I curse myself for being so weak. It is Edmund who has returned from hell, it is him who is supposed to ease his heart to me and I am meant to be the one to calm him and tell him everything is going to be alright.

"Forgive me."

The whisper disappears into the darkness but soon thereafter his arms are around me, shielding me from my own mind and the rest of the world.

When the men returns there is a big celebration feast. Charles of course arrived first, greeting me with a big smile. He looks altered in many ways and he appears older even. Perhaps that is was war does to men, I ponder as I look upon him. I am pleased to see him back and his acknowledgment of me makes me think that he has not forgotten out last night together.

Charles had not left court until a fortnight after Edmund was gone and on his last night, he summoned me. I felt obligated to see him before he went to France. Even if all my prayers went out to Edmund, I had not forgotten Charles or him coming to my defence against the Duke. The night was as passionate as it was affectionate and even if the guilt and shame overpowered me at the thought, I could not deny that Charles' familiar touch gave me more pleasure than Edmund's.

Not far behind the King comes my husband, looking noticeable tired after the battles and long rides. With a simple nod he disappears into the palace as I try to find Edmund's face in the crowd as discreetly as possible. Sophie notice him first and run to greet him with a long embrace. As our eyes met I feel the knot in my stomach finally dissolving into a pile of nothing. He has kept his promise. We greet each other politely and formal but when he kiss my hand he holds it too long for it be seen as appropriate but in the celebrations that has already begun nobody notice us.

The hours to come when we have to appear in public are pure torture. We talk, laugh and drink like all the others but all I want to do was crawl into his arms and never leave. Sophie is beside herself with happiness and constantly embrace her brother or hold his hand. I have never felt such jealousy towards another person and my cheeks flush with both anger and ridicule. When an officer ask Sophie to dance, Edmund takes my hand. It is a good excuse for us to be near without raising suspicion but when I have gotten a taste I only become greedy. As I look into Edmund's eyes I see that his thoughts are not far from my own.

After making an excuse to leave the celebrations fairly early, but not too hasty, I go back to my chambers and wait. As I pour myself some wine and take out another cup, I count myself lucky that Charles has not summoned me. How would I have been able to refuse him the same night he came back from victorious warfare? But luck was on our side and even if I saw him watching me, I also saw the Duke of Somerset discretely whispering in the ear of a fair-haired Lady with a sweet looking face. Her flushed face and quick glance at Charles did not make it difficult to understand what the Duke was proposing.

As I finish my third glass of wine, Edmund knocks silently on my door and finally I am where I'm meant to be. I feel that his already strong arms has become more muscular during the moths we have been separated. He holds me in a tight embrace and keep repeating my name. I inhale the strong smell of his jacket and his own divine odour. How is it possible to miss a smell so intensely? Can I be saved from damnation by these arms?

"Are you well sweetheart?" I whisper after a long silence.

"I am now."

He moves us both to the bed where he sits down and keep his hold of me. He rests his head on my stomach and sighs.

"Forgive me love, I am so very tired."

I run my fingers through his hair and give him a kiss on the top of his head.

"No apologising."

We lay down still remaining in our embrace. We do not even kiss that night but I have never before slept so peacefully or satisfied. Early that morning Edmund wake me by kissing my leg and soon after our bodies are reunited. The following night the gruesome nightmares begin. Every night Edmund is taken from me and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening. The same day I ask Edmund about his time in France. I do not understand why he looks at me with such a hateful stare, which for a brief and chilling moment reminds me of my husband's cold gaze.

"It is done. No need to speak of such horrors now", is all he says before turning away from me.

I can see in his now wrinkled face that carrying around what he has seen and done will not do him any good. I even feel betrayed that he do not wish to share his experiences with me, no matter how painful they are.

Days turns into weeks and we spend nearly every night together since my husband think I am spending them with the King. The truth is that Charles has not summoned me since he came back from the war. Perhaps he and the Queen have found their way back to each other once more. Somehow this thought makes me very glad. However Edmund's behaviour begins to deeply worry me. He avoids speaking to me about anything of importance and for each day that pass I feel more lost in how to reach him again. Most night he will simply watch me as I read by the fire or write letters to my family without saying a word. He is not cold or indifferent but somehow he is completely altered in every way.

With the passing weeks, so do my nightmares. My mind is slowly starting to accept that Edmund is not going to die. At least not for many years to come.

"What future do you see for us?"

I have just finished a letter to my mother in which I explain how merry my husband has been since returning from the war. It is so very easy for me to lie on paper, something I would have been unable to do simply a few moons ago. But now Edmund's question is in the air, waiting for a response I cannot give.

"Why don't we remain in the present for now?"

His face and voice are hard when he speak again.

"Do you remember the man I wrote to you about, Andrew?"

"Of course I do."

"I think of him every day. I think of his widow and his fatherless boy." I remain silent and reach for his hand but he pulls away before I can take it. "We could all be dead tomorrow. I do not wish to wait for my life to begin."

"You knew what this was from the start." My voice is weak as I am trying to remove the lump forming in my throat. "Are you not happy anymore?"

"It is not a question of happiness. I want to share a life with you. I want to walk with you in the halls, I want to provide for you, I want to have children with you. I do not want a mistress, I wish for a wife."

I do not know how many times I have imagined a life where I am married to Edmund. The children I would give him and where we would live. If I was Edmund's wife, I would have settled for a cottage at the countryside and still considered myself the happiest woman alive. But that is a fantasy. I turn away and begin to focus on the small hole in one of my walls. All those weeks I have wished for him to speak his mind. Now I know it is not always a good thing to get a wish granted.

"I want all the same things. Only because you wish for something does not mean it will turn out so."

After a while I feel Edmund's arms embrace my stomach from behind and all the frustration and sadness melts away.

"I am sorry if I was harsh my love. I only want to be with you like a man can be with his wife."

He kiss my neck, unlace my gown and spends the next hour inside me which makes me almost forget that I am not already living in my fantasy.