Chapter I

It was a cold morning when I decided to leave my parent’s house, leave my past behind me, and start looking towards my future, my very own future. I woke up a couple of minutes after four in the morning, it was pitch black out the window and a thin layer of ice had formed outside the glass. It would be hard leaving but I had no other choice. If I would have stayed, my life would have been miserable, and the day that would follow would be the very same as the one that just passed. Nothing would change; nothing would excite me anymore. I was not able to recognize myself, went from being the most popular and most likely to succeed, to a single mother of an eleven-year-old child. A child without a father, without one I knew his whereabouts at least. I made many wrong choices in life, I was kind of drawn to take the wrong path whenever two of them were presented to me, but I was quite sure that the path I was about to take that morning, was the right one. I gathered a few things in my backpack, mostly clothes, those I needed more, everything else was replaceable. Aren’t we all replaceable? Just like my things, I had scattered all around my room, we all are replaceable in a matter of so little time. I headed towards the door and right at the moment I was about to close it behind me once and for all, I froze. There was a small piece of my past that I just couldn’t bring myself to leave behind. Yes, my child. I took a U-turn and went back inside. Walking like a cat in order to not wake my parents, I went up the stairs and into the room. I did not want to scare him so I sat softly on the bed and kissed his forehead. He opened his sleepy eyes and asked me what time it was. Like it mattered what time it was. For all, I knew it was the time the world was ending, the time everything was being destroyed and being created at the same again. I told him that we were about to go on a road trip together, to hurry up and gather a few things he wanted to bring with, but not too many because we did not have much time. He got up and started shivering while changing from his warm pajamas to the cold jeans. While he was getting dressed, I packed some clothes, only the necessary for the road ahead of us, once we would be in the city, we would buy everything we needed there. Everything we needed and more, much more because we never get enough, that is just human nature, whenever we get what we want, we want something else. We were finally ready and the clock was racing very fast towards five. I did not want to risk my parents getting up before we were gone, I knew that they would have done everything to stop me from leaving and I could not take that chance. We moved quietly downstairs, me dragging him behind, and him trying to find as many reasons as he could to say goodbye to the grandparents. Poor kid could not quite understand that we were running away. Well, in all honesty, I did not tell him about it, for all he knew we were just going on a road trip. I closed the door behind me and at that moment I realized that I had reached the point of no return that is a point we all must reach because, at that point, you decide who you are. It frightened me, deeply, but at the same time, I breathed a sigh of relief.

I was finally free, and brave to face the world alone, to make something of my own with my life. Indeed, I had my son to take care of, but I was certain that I would make it, that we would make it. We left the small garden of my parent’s house and started heading towards the train station, the road was slippery from the rain of last night, it seemed that the sky was about to pour down. After the rain cold air settled down, it felt like a knife’s blade on my skin. I know the new beginning was a little bit rough but I knew we would make it, no matter how much it would rain on us, how many cold days like this were awaiting us, we would make it. To the train station was about thirty minutes’ walk, he was still sleepy and got tired very fast, the cold air was not making it any easier on us. Fortunately, like all children, a small round rock got his attention, he started kicking it a few steps ahead of us, and when we would reach the rock, he would do the same thing again. This went on for a few minutes, he did not lose interest in the rock, simply the last time he kicked it, the rock rolled over the sidewalk to the canal that is how it was lost forever, at least for him. We had been walking for about twenty minutes when an old car drove by us. A few meters ahead the car stopped. I got a little scared when we reached it, the window rolled down. The driver was in his thirties, or maybe older, I could not tell. He was dressed badly and looked like he had not taken a shower at least for the past few weeks. But it was cold and we had at least ten more minutes to walk to the train station so I decided to go in good faith and accepted his offer to drive us there. I took the front seat after settling my son on the back seat, he looked much discomforted, I think it was because of all the dirty stains on that seat, but we would not judge this nice offer, not in that kind of cold anyways. The driver was nice enough to stop for us, as soon as we were seated, he started asking me where we were headed and stuff like that. I told him that we were headed at the train station and from there take the morning train, which would be at seven o’clock, to the city. He said that he was driving to the city and that he would like some company for the road, it was five hours drive at least, and for us, it would be a good thing because we would not have to wait for the morning train for a couple of hours more. I accepted his offer, in the end, he was headed that way. I watched over my shoulder and saw my son watching how the moon appeared and disappeared from behind the clouds and the weight of the world became just a little bit lighter for me. I did not know what was waiting for us after we closed the door behind us at my parent’s house, but I knew that everything would be alright.

The driver interrupted my train of thoughts when he started a random conversation asking me where we were going and if we had a place to stay there. After I told him that I had no clue for the moment being, I just wanted to start a new life with my son and that was all there was. He told me that a friend of his lived in the city with her daughter and she was looking for someone to share rent with. She had a three-bedroom apartment and it would be nice for us to have a place waiting for us when we would get there. I weighed the idea in my head and it did not seem half bad, having a place as soon as we would arrive there, would be an excellent start. So, I told him that I was interested, he said he would give his friend a call when we would stop for a coffee and breakfast to let her know. It was around nine o’clock when we stopped at a bar where they served breakfast as well, after we ordered he asked the waitress to use the phone. A couple of minutes later he returned and broke the good news, we already had a place to stay, and his friend would be very happy to have us. I felt that everything was already working out for us. That was an amazing start, a big problem was out of the way and we would be able to start our new lives from a little more than just zero. We had breakfast, some coffee for us and orange juice for my son and we left the bar and returned on the road, we had some more hours drive to the city. It was a long drive but after my son fell asleep the driver and I started talking about all sorts of things and time just flew by like it was just a couple of minutes. Johnny was lost in the scenery when he woke up; he seemed tranquil like he was enjoying it. He liked road trips since he was very little.

I noticed that he was sneaking a look here and there; he did not trust the driver and he noticed that he would occasionally touch me while we were talking; I only wish his father would have been half as protective of me as he was. Well, I had not the slightest idea where his father was, what mattered is that he was not there, with us. The city skyline started emerging in front of us, it was both frightening and amazing at the same time, it made me want to arrive there as soon as possible, and to turn around and run back. Maybe it was because after all these years I was actually on my own, in front of the big scary world where I knew no one and nothing, and back there, it was safety, it was what I knew. Now the only path that lied in front of me, the only option I had it was to build a new home, just for me and him. Everything else was out of any picture. We arrived at the apartment block early afternoon. It was not what I expected it to be, but I thought we would make due for some time, at least until I would be able to stand on my own two feet, after getting a job there. It was a very old building, it had a surrounding fence that was worn out from the weather, and the wood was gray and rotted, barely standing. The stairs were falling to pieces, but they would still hold, the staircase looked like it was never there, to begin with. The hallway was dark and noisy. I could hear all the people, some were fighting, and some were singing and dancing, children playing, laughing, and crying. It looked and sounded so alive, and in so much pain, yes it sounded alive, but it felt like its soul had left a long time ago. We were to live in one of the two apartments on the last floor; our door was the one right next to the stairs, on the right. In front of us, was another apartment that one was the only one without any noise coming out, and that was a positive thing at least. The apartment’s door looked old, but once we were in it, it was not that bad. It had a big living room, there was a TV leaning against the wall, in front of it there was a big couch that looked very comfortable, and a little further it was the kitchen. It looked well furnished and comfortable and that was better than good, the other option would be sleeping on park benches and with this cold, we would not have had easy nights. The girl that answered the door said her name was Tina and for the moment her mother was not there, that she instructed her to attend to us and help us settle down. She was a very pretty girl with, a small slightly oval face, brown warm eyes, and a beautiful sweet smile. Her long hair was braided back, and those few hairs that fell on her face she impatiently pushed on the sides or at the back of her ear. She showed me to my room and she said that Johnny would have to share her room, I took a quick look at him, and he did not seem to mind. He was a sociable kid. She took him to the other room and helped him with his things. When I got out of the room, I saw the driver was fast asleep on the couch. Tina came out of the kitchen holding a hot cup of coffee. I told her that the driver was taking a nap on the couch, and she said that was fine. As I kept seeping my coffee, I went looking for Johnny, I wanted to make sure that he was alright and settled. He was lying down on his bed, it was just a mattress on the floor, for both him and Tina there were no beds in that room. He was lost staring at the ceiling; instinctively I looked up to see what had caught his attention. There was nothing there, nothing that I could also see at least. I sat beside him and stroke his little face. Soon he would be a man of his own and probably would move away from me, just like I did that morning. I only wanted a better life for him than the one I had. He turned his gaze towards me, and all I could see in his eyes was a disappointment. Of course, I talked to him about all the great things we would be doing together and he came to this reality, where he didn’t even have a bed to sleep on. I tried to reassure him that this was only for a couple of days until I found a job and we could afford to be on our own, but how much can a child understand of that. He cracked a little smile and put his hand on mine, and said that he knows all that and he will do everything he can to help me. That broke my heart, I never wanted this for him, I wanted him to go to school and play with his friends, follow his dreams wherever they might lead. I promised to myself that he would never need to do that, it did not matter what I had to put myself through he would have a great life, because I knew I would do anything for him, anything. I lied down with him and I told him many times that I loved him more than anything in the world and the fact that he believed in me, meant so much he could not even imagine. We were both tired and fell asleep after a few minutes of embracing each other, I had not rested like that in a long time, and I had not felt so close to him before. It felt and looked that we were our little family, that it was the two of us against the world.