Chapter V

The clock had just clicked three in the morning when I woke up from a deep sleep. My back was hurting from that lousy couch where I was resting. The smell was not profound but it was constant and it was stuck in my nose, God knew for how long it would stay there. I opened my eyes and saw the TV was still on, stretched my legs and arms as much as I could, my belt was undone and my tank top had slid to one side. The stain was barely visible now; I tried to wash it away as best as I could so that my wife would not start nagging at me when I would get back home. I looked at the back of my hand and the bruises were still there, deeply purple now. She would ask a lot of questions about them but I would just make up a story about fighting with some guy over a parking spot. That happened quite a lot so it was an easy story to sell. Then clarity hit me, I had walked to work that night, so the parking spot fight was out of the question, in that case, it was some guy at work that looked at me the wrong way, and as the hotshot that I was, I punched him in the face. It was easy lying to her about anything, she would just believe everything I told her as long as I provided food on the table and all the bills were paid because that was all I was to her, just a provider and the shadow of a man she resented years ago. I think that happens even to the happiest couples. We were happy before, we had a happy marriage, then the kids came along and life got, well complicated. She was always busy with them, and had no time for me; I could not even remember when was the last time she asked me how my day was, how work was, and if I was getting enough sleep. I did not expect her to ask me if I was eating enough, of course, I had gotten fat and there was no need to ask about it, it was enough to just take a look at me and judge for herself. I had lost her many years ago, I tried to get her back I did, but she kept pushing me further away. I did not deserve her forgiveness, after what I did to her, I was not even able to forgive myself either. I will not try to justify myself, but that night when I went back home, it had been maybe the worse day I had ever had that far up in my life. I had gotten fired and since I had no source of income any longer, I feared that it was just a matter of time that she would take the kids and leave me, all alone to rot in an empty house surrounded by the defining silence and all the weight of my sins. After I got fired, I did not go home straight away, I went to a bar and started drinking. I lost track of time and of the number of glasses that I emptied one after another trying to quench the thirst that my dry life had created in me. The thirst that my wife’s resentment had piled up day after day while I stood there, watching her slip away from me and get lost in a thick mist where I would not be able to find her anymore. She had not slept with me for more than a month. I could not even recall what her skin felt like touching mine. I wanted her so much, she still smelled the same as she did the first day that I met her, she still looked the same but she did not laugh the same or talk to me the same way for that matter. She would always make my food and wash my clothes but not because she wanted to, just because she felt obligated to repay me for providing for her and the kids. I was getting paid well from my job and we could afford a comfortable living, it was not luxurious but it was good. We had a small place outside of the town, in the suburbs with a big garden where the kids could play with the dog and had a swing at the big tree in the middle of the garden. It was a nice neighborhood where the children were safe and could ride their little bikes up and down the street, and we would not be concerned that something would happen to them. We were safe but we were not happy, at least I was not happy. After losing my job all that, would be a matter of time to be gone, reduced to a memory that I would do my best to treasure, a time where I had them. So, I drank and drank until all that was just a foggy fear that was a bit too stubborn to die or drown in all that liquor that I poured down my throat. It was a little after one in the morning when the bartender called me and told me that I had to leave because they were closing up. I was in no condition to drive of course, so I called a cab, gave him the address, and lay back watching the streetlights playing with all those spectrums of light creating many colorful reflections on the small rain droplets that were coming down from the night sky. I arrived home minutes before two in the morning, the house was dimly lit by the porch light and it seemed like a lifeless carcass that contained all I ever wanted from this life, all I ever fought for. I tried to make as little noise as possible opening the door but as drunk as I was, I don’t know if I achieved it. I got in and there she was, sitting at the dining table, waiting for me still awake at that time. My eyes met hers; I remember mine were probably red because of all the alcohol and the tears I was fighting to hold back. Hers were just empty, no feeling or expression, she looked at the dog with more loving eyes than she looked at me. It was a moment of silence, no longer than a couple of seconds that to me felt like a lifetime, then she finally spoke. She did not ask me where I was, she already had made her assumptions on that, of course for her I was with another woman having fun and leaving her deal with the kids all on her own. She did not ask what was going on with me and why I was in such a state because that was the moment she was probably waiting for, the moment she would be justified to gather her things, take the kids and leave. Leave me that I had done everything for her, me that worked sun up to sun down so she could live in a house like that, wear the clothes she wore and do nothing else but care for the house and the kids. Leave me that loved her more than anything in this world that made her the queen and goddess of everything that I had. I did not even try to contain myself, I removed my shoes and jacked and approached her walking slowly, and as straight as I could. She did not move, of course, I was her “yes dear” and did not expect it, I grabbed her by the hair and at that moment I finally saw emotion in her eyes, it was fear, horror, and confusion mixed together, but none the less emotion. I pulled her so hard that she felt like a small bundle I could drag wherever I wanted. She was trying to release herself from my grip but she was not strong enough, so I kept dragging her by the hair and down the stairs at the basement. Even though in a state of total madness, I did not want the children to wake up and see everything. Maybe she did not want that either because there was no voice coming out of her, just a useless struggle to release her hair. When we were finally in the basement I left her to go for a moment because I realized what I was doing was horrible, I had never thought that I would ever be able to reach that point. I had never thought I would be able to inflict pain on her, after all, she was the woman I fell madly in love with when I was only nineteen, and she was the mother of my children. She was looking at me, not in fear anymore but disgust, like I was no man at all in her eyes. She started saying things to me, which I did not deserve, started saying things that hurt me so much that I had no longer control over my own body. As it seems great love can turn into so much hate in a split second. I charged at her like a mad bull and did not see what I was hitting, kicking, or punching. Face, body, head, she bundled up like a child trying her best to protect herself. I could no longer reason and just kept kicking her as hard as I could, did not utter a word because there was nothing left for me to say to her. There was nothing left in me that could be expressed in words; everything around us was silent except the muffled sound of the hits that were raining upon her. I felt a sharp pain in my leg and at that moment I stopped hitting her and turned around in terror, I thought my eldest son had woken up and wanted to do the heroic thing and protect his mother. Thankfully it was just the dog that was protecting her by sinking its teeth as hard as it could into my flesh. I grabbed him by the neck, released myself from its jaws, and threw it away as hard as I could. It landed on its feet after hitting the wall of the basement and was ready to charge at me in a heart bit. I grabbed a hammer from the table and charged first. The dog was not as lucky as my wife. She was staring at me from the eye that was still able to see, bringing down one hammer blow after the other on the poor creature. She was not scared anymore, it seemed like she had accepted the fact that she would be next after I was done with the dog. Probably that was what was going to happen but seeing all that blood on my hands and clothes, it woke me up to what I had just done. There was no going back from that, no matter how hard I apologized or how much I regretted it. That was the point of no return and even though it is believed that we must reach it, I firmly believe that it is not true. I just had undone everything that was holding me together as a human being. All I could do now was try my best to protect the children from the monster that came out of me that night. I picked up the lifeless body of the dog and buried it, in the garden in a deep grave where the children would not be able to unearth it. When I was done with the dog I went back to the basement. To this day I do not know where that woman found the strength to take herself upstairs. She had locked our bedroom door and not wanting to wake the children I used the guest’s bathroom to clean myself up. It was easy to clean all that blood that came out from that small creature. There would not be enough water to clean it till the end of my days. I fell into a restless sleep on the couch in the living room. I had just taken an innocent life; how could I ever sleep after that? That is what I kept thinking that night but it was not true, I could sleep and rest as if none of that had ever happened. As if that night was just a figment of my imagination. Of course, she would never forget it. She would never bury the memory of that night, and she would never be able to leave me after seeing what I was capable of doing. Maybe it was a small price to pay to keep her there; I could not imagine how it would be going back to that place and not finding her and the children there anymore. Ah the children, I had to think of something to cover the dog’s disappearance. They would believe that it ran away, of course, they would. Days went by after that, as I said for me it was like that night never happened, what reminded me that it did, was the look in her eyes, the way the soft hair on her neck would stand up every time I would approach her, every time I would look her way. After some months we slept together as husband and wife, well better say I made love to a cadaver, only her skin was still warm but there was no life left in her. I decided to do her the favor and not try that again, at least I could stay away and not cause her any more pain than I had done already. That is how I ended up here. If I could not have the love of my wife at least I could buy some from a whore for a couple of hours. I knew that was not real, and it would never be able to fill the hole in my soul but we get what we take and I decided to take her. It seemed she was new on the job, she told me her name was Cynthia, I did not know if that was her real name or not but I did not even care. I was to pay her a good amount of money, and what she did was fight me off of her. That bitch had no idea who I was and what I was. I did not think twice; if I did something so terrible to the mother of my children imagine what a whore meant to me! I punched her so hard in the stomach that she started turning blue from lack of oxygen reaching her lungs. She looked up at me with those teary eyes that were asking “why”. I uttered because she was a whore, a prostitute that would rather sell her body to a man like me than go out there and find a decent job to feed herself. I punched her again, this time it was her face, the idea that she would not be able to work for a few days did not cross my mind. What did I care, after all, I would be gone from there as soon as I was done teaching her a lesson and would not come back for more! I stopped hitting her when she was not moving anymore, left the bedroom, and since we were all alone in that shit place I decided to rest for a little bit on the couch before hitting the road and go back home to my loving family. That is how we arrived at this moment! When I woke up the TV still running, I have to make that clear to you; I was drunk and tired enough to sleep through the night without any effort. What woke me was a sharp pain on my head caused by a blow with a heavy and hard object. As it seemed the whore put herself back together and came after me to take her revenge. My eyes were open but I could not see anything else other than the distorted images coming from the TV. I heard the soft whisper of a plastic sheet being laid nearby. I could not make anything out of it or move for that matter, I just stood there waiting for the pain to go away so I could get up and kill whoever did that to me. I had never before felt so much rage and anger inside me, the kind that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth and makes you feel like your brain is on fire and burning through your skull. I could not wait for it to be over so I could unleash all that upon the poor soul that dared cross me. As I was thinking all I would do to that person, two sets of hands rolled me from the couch on the floor; I felt the cold plastic sheet under my skin. I fell on my left side, could not move a muscle no matter how hard I tried, it was just like one of those dreams that you try to run, and the more you try the more you stay still. I started drooling and felt my saliva getting cold on my check and then reaching the plastic sheet. I knew this would not end up well for me, but I was only in a dream waiting to wake up and realize that it was just a dream. I felt the cold edge of a knife tearing through my skin, it was not sharp enough. They just dropped it right there in front of me and went to get something else. I thought that was my chance that I could make it out if only I could reach the knife. Nothing of the sort happened, I tried and tried and the only thing that was moving was my saliva and the warm blood that was coming out from the knife wound. They came back, this time they had a saw. It was a small hand saw and that meant that it would take them forever to do whatever they were thinking of doing to me. There was no time lost there, they started cutting me to pieces, started with my arms, it took them long enough to go through all the fat and then the bone, which was very difficult to cut through. But they were not in a hurry as it seemed, I could hear them whispering, could not make sense of what they were saying but I could hear the voices. They were not organized, it took them at least an hour to dismember me, put my pieces in some plastic bags. One leg into a black garbage bag, and the other into a second one, I was a heavy man, and to take me someplace as I was it would have been an impossible task. Arms into a second one along with my head, my guts into a third one, and my torso they wrapped it up in the plastic sheet they used to protect the carped. I have to say they were good enough at that at least; there was not a drop of blood anywhere but the plastic sheet. They went downstairs and then behind the building, the hour was almost five but it was pitch black outside, it was December and the brink of the morning light would take at least two more hours to arrive. They dumped the bags on the cold grown and started digging, that as well would take a long, the ground was almost frozen, I was somehow hoping for them to get caught, even though that for me would mean nothing, I was already beyond saving. But I still did not want them to get away with it. After some struggle, they managed to dig a deep enough hole for me, threw the garbage bags in there, and started covering it up. The earth was cold, as cold as it can be at that time of the year. Little by little there was no sound anymore, just a deafening silence that would stay with me for eternity. I could not even be mad at the fact anymore, in the end, that is the destination for all of us, and there is no escaping it no matter how much we try or want it. There is no escape from death, what made me cry bitter tears was the fact that I ended up just like the dog, my dog, buried in a deep grave behind a building where kids will play. In a grave, deep enough for them to never be able to unearth me, buried behind a building where no one would ever be able to find me, and after this, my wife would be free of me. She will just make her assumptions that I ran off to somewhere with probably another woman. She will make something up to tell the kids and then they will all just forget that I ever existed, that I was ever part of their lives, and just move on without me, maybe preserving some memories, or burning them up the second they realize I would not be back. I wish I would have been able to accept this before it was too late for me, I wish I would have been able to let my wife go when she did not want to stay anymore. But I wasn’t, I was a coward and week man who could not bear to live with the idea that she left me all alone in this world that did not love anyone. I was not man enough to live without her thus; I kept her by my side by all means. I was not man enough to let her go with a good memory of me and have some kind of love from her for the rest of my life, maybe things would have been different now, maybe I would not lay here torn into so many pieces stuffed into garbage bags. Well, it did not matter anymore, I am beyond saving.