Chapter 40: Seon-Ho

I vowed to stay away from her from now on to make up for the hurt and the mess I must have put her through..I do not know how she had the strength to live through it all! To look at me and...and smile at me...and care for me....and dote on me...and give me her time...and love me thinking I was in love with someone else...oh god. Hurting Hwi had broke me on a different level and it drowned me in a pain...a pain that tormented me day in and day out...a pain that was only healed by his sister. And now...to repent for my sins I ha to stay away from the one thing I wanted deep down in my soul. But Yeon was just a dream...an illusion that I can only have in my heart. Thank god I didn't tell her how I feel...but she was a smart girl. Hopefully she wouldn't seek me out...I must be a monster to her.

I drank, I got high, I missed her so god damned much I was suffocating in my own loneliness. I had been going to Ihwaru a lot more in my free time, surrounded by people who want nothing to do with me. I know Hui-Jee wasn't my biggest fan after everything that had happened but she eased up a bit more on me. Who was I kidding? I was only going there to hear any news of Yeon as I knew Hwi's whole gang came up there a lot although he was missing in action due being Bang-Won's lackey now.

I had been promoted in my job to general inspector, and it was a miracle that I was even able to perform well in my work. It was only because my work was always near her, so I could catch glimpses of her when I could in the market, with her friends, at work...and when she bathed in the river when she thought no-one was watching... my god, the things I wanted to do to her...for us to do together... I hadn't tasted her for so long...I was so caught in-between longing for her...and my resentment for her hiding everything from me and god knows what else. I knew deep down that was the reason she was avoiding me; she had more secrets she was covering up, that she was working on that she didn't want to reveal yet.

I started bathing in that same river myself just to be somewhere near her, I was so desperate. I had become numb without her, I felt blind dumb and deaf. One lucky day I caught her bathing as she was talking to her friends..."I cannot believe you lived with that guy for years Yeonnie! Do you have any idea how handsome he is?" "Yeah well...he still is don't you worry about that" she replied sadly. I was frozen on the spot, were the talking about me? "So why did you leave? I don't get it." "Because! Because...I get into a lot more trouble than I'm worth, all the time you guys know that. You girls see the bullshit I attract and how I have to deal with it day in and day out. I only have so many tricks up my sleeve. I'm crazy, I'm too stubborn and too bold for my own good. What right do I have to ask any man to put up with that. There's a reason why women such as myself are not accepted in this society, as an intellect or an epileptic unless I hide. And I'm tired of hiding, now I no longer have any disability holding me back. Besides...he's in love with someone else. So why should I parade myself around him" I felt my heart was going to burst open.

"Bullshit. You're scared...you're scared of his reaction to what you are, to what you're capable of. Your fear of his reaction has crippled you. But we all hear you crying in your sleep, your absent-minded from your chores...we know you miss him a lot more than you're willing to admit. And yes I know you've made a lot of female enemies that are ready to seduce him just so they can get even with you...but you can't just run away either. You're in love with him...a lot more than you were ever supposed to..." "He....he has everything he wants now; his dream job, a chance to be with the women he loves at last now that my brother and myself are out of the way...what does it matter if I never cross his mind again? As long...as he's healthy and happy finally that's all I care about...I've already been a big enough of a burden on him for years. He has a chance to be happy..." "and what about you?" "Me? I was...am an epileptic orphan born with poor luck and fortune. I have inherited all the qualities our society despise in a women. Who will look at me as a spouse? I am also pushed from one extreme for the next, I cannot be anyone's burden anymore. I...I was not meant for anything more than familial love" I heard her choke on her tears before she walked away.

That's all I heard before I dunked my head under the water, trying to cool myself from her confession. I knew it...I knew she would eventually confess her feelings one way or another if I had just given her a little space to breathe. I immediately felt her warmth as soon as I spotted her. Having her back in my presence made me realise there were so many things I was grateful to her for that I had never taken the time to thank her for. I vowed I would make it up to her later...I just had to give her some time so she can heal...but if she really thought that I was going to let her out of my sight for good or let her live her life with someone else apart from me then she was very sorely mistaken...and if she tried to run from me then I guess I should start using the power she gave me.