ANXIETY

Charlotte Cane

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There's something about anxiety that hurts more than can be described. I press my back hard against the leather car seats. My breaths are hitched, and with every breath I wheeze. My face is pumping blood so violently it feels as if it wants to burst out the skin. My heart beat feels like thunder, and no matter how hard I clench my seatbelt, the throbbing pain and fear won't stop.

"I hear your heartbeat to the beat of the drum…" Julie hums along to blasting music that fills the car. Her attention is focused on the glare of blue light coming from her phone.

I have to admit, at least she and everyone else in the car is preoccupied with phones or themselves. I don't want them to look at me and see the terror and panic turn me a deathly blue.

It's embarrassing.

I'm an embarrassment.

That's why my mother hated me. That's why my mother got sick. That's why mother decided to do what she did.

I grip my fists, my mind flooding with thoughts I don't want to think of because all I can see is blood. Blood on the seats. Blood on the windows. Blood on the steering wheel.

Blood on my hands.

"I'm thirsty, Kev." Megan's voice interrupted the storm of thoughts going on in my head. "Stop at the gas station." She points a manicured polished nail at the window.

"I thought you said, Alex was waiting," he groans.

"I said I'm thirsty, Kev." Megan snaps.

"Fine, fine, whatever." He shrugs, clicking his tongue. "That's the last time, I'm letting Alex convince me to drive you from school," he mutters, glancing at her.

The moment he turns the wheel ever so slightly, horror punches me in the stomach. I want to crawl into a ball and or claw at the doors. But I can't. All I can do is blubber for air as the apprehension stabs and twists into me.

I can't stop hearing Mother's words.

I can't stop hearing what she calls me---what I know I truly am.

'Mistake'

"Oh, fuck yes!" Julie exclaims with the joy of a child in a candy shop. The phone was practically glued to her face as she shifted in her seat.

"What?" Megan hissed at her sudden outburst. Julie slightly moved her head up from her phone.

'You were a mistake.'

Those words pound into my dizzy head, even as the world moves around me.

"Greg's wife is out for the weekend!" Julie's smile was plastered all over her face. "I'm gonna get so fucking lucky." Beaming, she started snapping a bunch of selfies from different angles.

'YOU WERE A MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

"You're still fucking around with those older men?" Megan said with a raised eyebrow.

'MISTAKE'

"Of course I am. It's good money, Meg." Julie giggles, looking at her. "Greg always makes sure to treat me. There's never a day I don't get dinners, flowers, and gifts."

"Uh-huh." Megan looked out the car window, disinterested.

"I swear, Meg," Julie says. "I keep telling you. If only you consider it."

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

Megan rolled her eyes. "I don't fuck around with senior citizens."

"Hey, fuck off, whore." Kevin suddenly speaks, glaring at Julie from the driver's rearview. "Don't convince my best friend's girlfriend to prostitute herself like you."

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

"Cool your fucking testosterone, Kev." Julie looks up from her phone, snapping at him. "I'm just fucking around, and they're not senior citizens. Most of the guys that I mess with if they're not Greg are like middle-aged or whatever."

Megan rolled her eyes again. "Whatever, no one gives a flying fuck. You want to sleep around with old dudes, then do it. No one cares."

"Oh, Meg, I love that you're such a feminist." Julie says, going back to her phone.

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

"Hey Char?" Megan twirled her hair as she leaned over her seat to stare back at me. "Char?"

I know she's speaking to me. But I can't seem to do anything except hear my mother's words.

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

"Char?"

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

'MISTAKE'

"Charlotte!"

Charlotte.

I can see my mother staring at me, eyes that burn with hatred.

'You were a mistake.'

'If I hadn't had you, Charlotte. Things would be different.'

"Yo!" Fred shakes me so hard, it feels like my head snaps back into reality.

"What's your fucking problem?" Fred scoffs.

I blink a few times, noticing that the car is stopped, parked at the gas station. Everyone in the car is staring at me, and it makes me cringe because I feel something crawling up my throat.

I know what's about to happen next.

I try to refuse it, but I can't stop the bile from pushing its way to the surface.

Desperate, I screech, "Open the windows!" I toss my head out the car window, nearly bashing it onto a slow opening of descending glass.

Everything inside of me pours out, as I gag, hurl, and retch. My insides feel like they're sizzling as I puke out what feels like even my organs.

"What the fuck!" I can hear Kevin bellowing out shouts and curses as I continue to throw up.

I get it. I would be mad too if I were him.

But, I can't stop the wave of green forcing its way out of my mouth.

I can't stop anything.