Chapter 52

Try as much as possible to breathe in and out religiously. Even if all you want to do is scream this roof off.

My stomach churned profusely, so I ran into the bathroom and emptied my guts.

I looked up in the mirror. My world was spinning, so I shut my eyes to push the vision away.

What is happening to me?

My baby got rejected, and another one comes fighting for a child that is not his?

Am I supposed to let him act as her father just because he wants to?

Why would he even want to do that? What is so special about us he is going out on a limb to fight for us?

Having a father figure in her life would be great, but what happens when he gets a family of his own? What happens to us then? Would he just throw us away?

Even if I let him take the role, ignoring all the problems we would have to face, how do I explain it to my daughter when she finds out that I lied to her?

I cannot do that. I cannot lie to her.

Am I even ready to bank her future on a guy I just met, bearing in mind how unpredictable he is?

Is he trustworthy?

He is impulsive, but he protects us and would do anything for us. I cannot remember anyone putting as much effort as he puts into caring for us.

It has been a short amount of time, but there is no doubt we have remained his priority from the get-go, so the answer is yes. He is trustworthy.

Still, I cannot do it. That will be mental. Imagine meeting someone on the internet and letting him assume a fatherly role in the life of your child.

It sounds comedic and ridiculous, but it does not feel that way. I do not know how to explain it to you, but it does not feel funny or crazy.

Nothing about Samuel and I sounds real, but it feels real.

What do I do?

Should I let him or get my things and leave?

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

It is not like he is even giving me a choice. His mind is made up.

Lord, I am so frustrated.

Hot tears rushed down my face, and I let myself cry my frustrations out.

Debby, I know you want to hit something. But calm down. You must be in control of your emotions. Do not lose it. You promised to change and be more mature and thoughtful before acting. Did we not? Answer me!

"Yes."

Promise not to do anything crazy and handle this with maturity. Promise me, Debby.

I promise.

I inspected myself in the mirror and expelled the ominous air from my stomach.

Fuck! This is killing me.

Two hours later, I emerged from the room feeling like a whole new person.

The said two hours was an emotional roller coaster for me.

Sam allowed me to cool off undisturbed.

I cried, thought about my new normal, showered, cried in the shower, blamed myself, blamed Samuel, blamed my situation, blamed the universe and blamed the old man sitting up in the sky.

By the end of it all, I realized I needed to apologize to Samuel.

That much is clear.

He was only trying to make things better for me, the only way he knows how.

He was keeping to the promise he made. I would never have to do it alone again.

And he was right when he said that I was projecting my insecurities on him.

So I lowered my pride and matched back to the living room to apologize for my crazy ass self.