She Was Hurt

Hwan’s mother has already left them alone in the room. Mayu is sitting uncomfortably on the sofa with nothing to say. She silently signed heavily with her breath. She doesn’t feel awkward being alone with Hwan. Instead, she finds it ironically funny because she had left him years ago without saying a proper goodbye, but now she has to stay with him for a night that feels like a lifetime. It seems that fate is playing with her and karma as its comrade. After returning to Seoul, she has never once thought to meet Hwan. She felt like she was done with him.

In the early years after she left Seoul, she doubted Hwan’s words because they didn't synchronize with his actions. She was sure that doubting his intentions were right. But as years went by, the memories lingered in her head that sometimes he appeared in her dreams. Living far from him had made her realize that his words were real, the same as the moments they had. As she grew older, she had found out that Hwan was not the only problem. She was also.

But there’s a question she needs to ask first, why did he do that?

Now that she remembers all of these, she wants to speak to him about it. But there’s this thought that convinces her that maybe Hwan does not remember anymore. Maybe it’s not important for him since it happened years ago. She thinks she’s the only one who’s bothered about it. She somehow feels ridiculous to dig in the past that faded away. She also asks herself, why does it still matter to her?

“Did you have dinner?” Mayu finally said.

“Yes, mother and I ate together. How about you?”

“Not yet.”

“I have cups of instant ramyeon*on the cabinet. You wanna eat that?” (Ramen)

“Yeah, sure.”

Mayu went to the side table beside the bed to open the cabinet. When she opened it there was a bunch of ramyeon in cups so she took one out. Above the cabinet, there's hot water. She removed the lid of the cup, she put the ingredients before she poured the hot water. She momentarily put the cup ramyeon above the side table.

“Sorry about this,” Hwan said.

“About what?”

“For staying here with me tonight.”

“It’s fine. It kinda feels good that ajumma still thinks of me as your close neighbor. It feels like nothing has changed.”

“But everything has changed.”

“Yeah, change is the only permanent thing.”

“How was it? Going back to the Philippines?”

“It was difficult when we arrived. I didn’t know how to speak Tagalog, and my English was not good. But as the years went by, I came to appreciate the weather and its surroundings, although it had a huge difference in Seoul.”

“Were you happy there?”

“I think so. But it was the right decision to go back home.”

He smiled but it never reached his eyes. “That’s good to hear.”

“How about you? Are you happy now?”

He gently chuckled, “I don’t know if I should be happy but I’m satisfied with my life.”

“Ajumma told me that you have a secretary? That’s great to have one.”

“Yeah, I needed help. I cannot do it alone. Speaking of, I cannot do it alone. Can you please hand me the crutch?”

“Sure.”

Mayu helped him first to remove his legs on the bed before handing the crutch at the corner of the side table. Hwan put both of the crutches under his armpits and then he gently walked while Mayu’s hands were in the position to catch him in case he’d fall. She followed him and walked towards the restroom until he closed the door. Mayu waited for him to go out to assist him in going to his bed. When Hwan reached the bed, he seated and handed over the crutch to Mayu to put it on the corner.

“Thanks,” Hwan said while sitting on the side of the bed.

After she put the crutch in the corner, she held the cup ramyeon, and then she took a seat on the sofa before she could eat.

“Why did you not tell me you’ll leave?” He suddenly asked when Mayu was about to eat the noodles from the chopsticks.

She was unsure if he was talking about the past or the present. “Leave? Did I?”

“Yeah, you left without telling me.”

Hwan statements have made her open her mouth and have made her pause for a moment. “You did not tell me that you’re dating Areum.” She bravely said before she continued eating her ramyeon.

“Because of that?”

She swallowed first, “If you had told me, I might have told you too.”

He signed, “I might have dated her but I never left you.”

She smirked, “When you hid it from me, that’s the same as being left alone. I helped both of you to be together but you never told me?”

“You helped us?” He asked, surprised.

“Oh, I did!” She protested.

He chuckled with irritation while he put his hands on his waist. “How the hell did you help us?”

“I did some things for you to communicate with her. And other stuff!”

“I never asked for your help.”

Mayu was shocked by what she heard. But this made her realize that actually, he did not. It was her doing all along.

“Y-yeah, you did not. But... I...” She tried to think of the right word to describe it by trying to remember the things she did. But at the end, she signed, “I-I-I don’t remember anymore.” She continued eating her ramyeon.

“This time don’t do anything without telling me.”

“O-okay?” She wondered why. “Wae? Are you dating someone?”

He sighed heavily, “I’m not sure.”

“You’re always not sure.” She murmured.

“Shut up, just eat your ramyeon.” He went to lie on the bed.

###

It’s October when the trees dried up, turned brown while the leaves fell on the ground. The weather was nice with a brighter sun and a mild cold breeze with earthly fragrance. She ran as she passed through people who walked leisurely on the streets. Although it’s cold she’s sweating inside of her autumn clothes. From afar she could see the trees with green and brown leaves which were parallel to each other. She reached the area of trees and meters away, a teacher outside the school gate was calling out to every student while announcing the gate will soon be closed.

There were also some students that were running as they could to reach the gate. They are wearing the same uniform inside of their autumn coats. They run as they breathe heavily through their mouth due to tiredness like her. Like them, she ran with all her might. As she was running when someone hit her shoulder at the back and ran past her. From that playfulness, she already knew that person was Hwan.

“Hurry up, Mayu!” Hwan said as he ran past her.

Due to this Mayu tried to speed up a bit more to run along with him. As she ran beside Hwan he asked, “Y-You did not wait for me!”

“I-I-I-I t-tried to wake you up so many times but you did not even open your eyes!” Mayu said to him.

From where they were they could hear the countdown of the teacher inside the gate. When they hear that, they both speed up as they run towards it. When the count was almost 5 seconds, both of them had reached the inside gate. Mayu fell down on her knees due to exhaustion while Hwan also paused and tried to catch his breath while standing.

“H-h-ha! I thought I’m gonna die!” Mayu said between her breath.

“Stand up, morning class will start soon,” Hwan said while he asked Mayu to take his hand.

Mayu took his hand so she could stand again.

###

It was break time when Mayu decided to go to Hwan’s classroom to borrow a book in English because she forgot hers at home. She was walking in the corridors when she saw Hwan and Moon Areum talking outside the classroom. They looked cheerful while chatting with each other. On the other side of the corridor, Hwan’s friends who were in the window inside the classroom looked excited while they were looking at Hwan and Areum.

Mayu shifted her eyes back to Hwan and Areum. She can see through the eyes of Areum that she's comfortable with Hwan. While Hwan stared at her with a smile that reached his eyes. This sight made Mayu pause for a moment.

Minutes later after staring at them, Areum noticed her.

“Mayu!” Areum called her.

Mayu walked towards them and she faced Hwan. “Hwan-ah, let me borrow your English book. I forgot mine.”

“Ok, I’ll get it,” Hwan said before he left them.

When Hwan walked going to the classroom his friends teased him with cheesy remarks but he continued to his seat.

“What are you doing here?” Mayu asked Areum.

“I was walking when Ye-sung caught me.”

“What are you two talking about?”

“We were talking last night over the phone. We just continued what we were talking about.”

“Ah, you’re talking through the phone.”

Hwan arrived and handed the book to Mayu. “Return it after class. We have homework.”

“Araso. You can continue talking.” She told them before she left.

Mayu and Moon Areum were in the same class and they’re friends and they’re always together. Areum was one of the prettiest girls in school and she’s not bad in class and she’s also nice. Since she has a pretty face some boys of the school pursue her. She rejected them all and ignored some of them. Mayu knew that Areum likes another boy who’s their junior. That boy is charming, gentle, kind, and smart also. That’s what she knew at that time.

Meanwhile, Hwan has a charm of his own that attracted some girls aside from being good at arts. Hwan’s friend had tried to pursue Areum but all of them had been turned down. Mayu knows that Hwan has feelings for Areum too just like his friends. Some of their classmates were also supportive of Hwan and Areum because they look good together.

Mayu at the time was not aware of Hwan's charisma. She knew him as a boy in their neighborhood who was annoying at the same time. They were close to each other but they were not friends. Sometimes Hwan was the one who wanted to be with Mayu but she always pushed him away because she thought he was just teasing her again. And because she knew he liked another girl.

When the class was over Mayu went to the seat of Areum in the classroom while holding the book of Hwan. She knew Hwan would be glad if Areum would be the one to return his book to him.

“Areum-ah, can you give it back to Hwan?” Mayu said.

“Let’s go home together!” Areum said.

“I can’t. My mom and I need to go somewhere.”

“Ah, okay.”

Mayu handed the book to Areum and she held it.

Areum went to the classroom of Hwan. Hwan and his friends were walking outside the room when Areum called him out. Hwan and his friends turned around and when they saw that Areum called him, they pushed him towards her direction while teasing him. Hwan walked near her so she handed the book.

“Mayu wants to return this.”

Hwan received the book. “Where is she?”

“She needs to go early.”

“I thought I’d go home with her.”

“You’re with your friends anyway, why go home with her?”

“My mom and her mom would be home late.”

“Really? She said she’ll go with her mom.”

“She told me she’s not coming with them.”

There were times that after class Areum and Mayu would go home together. Since Mayu’s house was near the school, Areum would walk with her, and then she'd ride the bus stop before Mayu reached her house. A couple of times Hwan would walk together with them coincidentally. This was the reason why Hwan became close with Areum.

When Mayu discovers that Hwan likes Areum, every time they’ll go home, she’s always conscious. She’s always looking behind to see if Hwan would come. If Hwan arrives when they’re walking home, she unconsciously becomes uncomfortable being with the two of them. She let Hwan walk beside Areum and talked to her comfortably while sometimes she would walk behind them. There’s an instance when Mayu and Areum were eating tteokbokki*in a stall on the streets when Hwan suddenly showed up. (Spicy rice cake) When that happens, she’ll make an excuse to escape from them, and then she’ll send a text with her alibi to Areum.

Mayu deliberately always did this to Areum and Hwan. Not because she wanted them to be close with each other, but she felt intolerable being with them at the same time. As of this time she wasn’t aware of her actual feelings.

###

Mayu tried to lie down on the sofa in the hospital room with Hwan. The only light that was on was the lampshade at the side of the bed of Hwan. She’s laying on the sofa with her eyes wide open. The conversation with Hwan earlier has made her remember the things she did to Areum and Hwan. She has finally realized that she did it voluntarily but it was not to help Hwan with Areum. She realized now that she did that and had felt restless being together with them because she was hurt. Now being with Hwan after all those years have made her slowly understand the past.

She raises her head to see if Hwan is sleeping. When she sees that his face is relaxed while its eyes are closed, she signs.

“I guess seeing him again is worth something.” She whispered.