13. I break myself

Our favourite brunette, Amelia

After breakfast, I return to my study to plan out my day and begin working on the reports coming in from different parts of the empire. Reading, annotating and compiling the reports in different groups for the next grand council meeting.

"I see someone's hard at work already." Alexis, the Queen's, my private secretary saunters in with two cups of tea. One for him and one for myself.

"I, to this day, cannot understand how, after a year of working with me and watching me grow up, you still are surprised when you see me working this early in the morning." I joke, taking the tea and setting it down next to my report. I'll drink it in a while.

"I'm not surprised. Simply... observing."

"Yes," I mutter, looking back at my papers, my hand already reaching for the quill to annotate the next paragraph.

"So how far are we on the papers?"

"I'm halfway through the reports on the imports coming into Aresia. I already finished the agriculture and regional reports last evening, before the party."

"I see." He grabs a report that I had already finished and begins reading it. Dropping back into the armchair opposite of me, he sips his tea. "It appears that imports from Borelis have increased drastically over the last few days."

"With rumours of an engagement in the air, I'm not quite surprised," I reply, still not looking up from my papers. "Speaking of engagement." I glance up at him before looking down and smirking. "How is your fiancee?"

He chokes, "how-how did you know?"

I laugh. "You know, for a man who's getting married in three weeks, you are being quite secretive on the affair."

"I- It was sudden."

I snort. "Imagine that."

He glares, "and pray, what does her Highness mean?"

"You were James's best friend. If I remember anything about you, it's that nothing you do is sudden. Everything was meticulously planned and executed with all scenarios kept in mind."

"Well. Love makes you do things!" I roll my eyes.

"And I eat frogs in my sleep."

That shuts him up.

"Even if it was sudden. You really didn't think of informing your dead best friend's baby sister?"

"I was going to. Inform everyone. After all the arrangements were made."

"Have they been made?"

"Yes."

"Good, then you can announce it today. At the luncheon. I won't be there, I'll be with my friends. The men decided they wanted to take the Borelians fishing today."

He arches his brow. "Even after the prince's outburst last night? I heard from the servants he came back dead drunk last night on his horse, being dragged by the young Lord Brooks."

"Well, you heard right." I finish the report and add it to the pile. Twining my fingers together, I place them in front of me on the desk. I peer into his eyes, so similar to his younger brother's. "But Isaiah tells me that it's all the more reason to make him feel welcome. He's grieving the loss of a lover. He deserves some sympathy. For all I believe, I agree." I pick up my cup and take a sip. I sneer at the cup. Too bland. I'd always preferred the Taliyan brew. {1}

**1. Taliya: a group of islands in the Tione ocean, a large trading ally to Aresia. They are known for their exotic cuisine and men. Their cuisine is known for its blends of tea, coffee, wine and everything. Especially tea. A now highly demanded beverage in Aresia.

Initially, found in the country of Crestai by sailors around three centuries ago. Named by Aresian sailors, after the islands' formation, that resembled a crescent moon. The islands are known for being one of the many countries that had been invaded, ruled and exploited by Aresia in the last century after two centuries of acting as a trading partner. Supposedly under the rule and counsel of the Aresians. Little did they know.**

"So you're going to give him chance." He murmurs, gazing out into the already blue sky outside.

"I have no choice."

"And what of my little brother?"

"What about me?" Liam saunters in. His hair still slightly dishevelled from last night. He throws a knowing smirk at me as he catches me staring.

I smirk back.

Alexis catches us grinning and rolls his eyes. "I'll just leave before you all decide to go for a morning run."

I laugh as he exits the room.

"Should we go for a morning run?" He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively as he lazily saunters over to me.

"Oh my God no! Liam!" I laugh. A blush creeping into my cheeks. Idiot, what are you doing? You're supposed to be leaving him, not pulling him in!

But the ball is tomorrow! We still have the whole day! What could go wrong!

I mentally kick myself. EVERYTHING. Could go wrong. Stupid ass.

I clear my throat as he attempts to slip his arms around me.

He stops and cocks his brow. "No?"

I shake my head, unable to look him in the eye. I dig my nail into my thumb.

He sits down across from me in the chair his older brother had occupied seconds ago. He leans forward, elbows on his thighs. "What's wrong?"

I suck in my breath. Straightening in my seat I gaze up at him. "I....."

"It's the prince. Isn't it?" He stares at me. His eyes were completely blank. Unreadable.

The lump in my throat grows. I can feel my heart cracking. "Yes," I whisper.

He nods a humourless smile on his face as he glares out the window. He may be able to hide his emotions well. But I know an angry Liam when I see one.

"Please don't be angry," I beg.

"At you? No! Never!" He's lying. "I'm fuming at that bastard." He grits.

"Anthony?"

"Oh, so you're on a first-name basis now? You've barely had a conversation!"

"I've been calling him that since I got back from Borelis! It's been years! He's in the past!"

"Well, he's no longer in the past now, is he?"

I glare. "Oh, he isn't? Beg pardon, good sir, I had not the slightest clue!"

"Well, I'm glad that I've brought out of your.... cave of innocence and into reality!" He sneered.

I closed my eyes and breathed in. "Alright, you're right. I'm sorry. Can we just not end things like this?"

He paused for a moment, clenching and unclenching his fists.

My heart broke into tiny painful fragments in my chest. I loved him so much. We were even planning on getting married. We had it all planned. But for some unfathomable reason, life never gave me what I wanted. I hated that. I hated that I had to let him go. Even after everything.

Of course, I had considered everything. The treaty had no loopholes so I couldn't find a way for the marriage to be stopped without restarting a centuries-old war. I could've kept him as my lover. But that would've been unfair to him. He deserved to be with a woman who was available for him and him only. A woman who wasn't with another man. If I married Anthony I couldn't deliver with that. I loved him. He deserved better. I had to let him go.

"So.... that's it? It's the end?" His voice was a whisper. So close to breaking.

I stood and went to him. We wrapped our arms around each other, my head resting on his shoulder, I sighed. "I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than what I can give you."

"I love you." He held on tight stroking my hair and kissing my hairline. This would be the last time we embraced like this. Sooner or later he would get married to another woman. If he chose to keep me in his life, I would have to bear it. Seeing him happy. With another woman. Watching him grow old with her and spend time with their children.

I stifled a whimper as my throat closed. He continued cradling me in his arms. "It will always be you." His promises meant nothing anymore. No matter where his heart laid, he would have to choose a bride. And it could never be me.

"I love you too." Tears streamed down my face as he tilted my head and kissed me softly. I wasn't enough of a fool to not notice how he was crying too.

Our last kiss. How did it come to this? So fast. I thought we had time. Whole lifetimes and afters.

I'll miss you so much, my love.

****

Two-and-a-half hours later, I sat on a red and gold chair in my mother's chambers. Anthony hadn't shown yet and I expected no less from him.

Silence reigned as I attempted to diminish my inclination to order a bottle of whiskey for myself, by proxy of one of the servants in the room. But I couldn't. Not in front of my mother, the queen and my aunt, who happened to also be a queen of a foreign kingdom. A foreign kingdom whose ruling family, I just so happened to be in the process of marrying into.

Lord help me.

"You seem tired daughter. Is something the matter?" My mother feigned concern for me. I half-snorted. As if she ever cared about the wellbeing of her children.

"Yes well. It's been a long night and morning after." I lie smoothly. Though, Anthony's outburst last night had taken a toll on me. It had taken a toll on the court as well. Nobles had all pitched in to bribe servants' silence and rumours drifted through the halls, questioning the royal houses' stability and the credibility of the rumoured marriage of the crown prince and princess.

That stupid bastard. I wanted to slash his throat into pieces. He just had to waltz in here and wreak havoc. He may have a demon inside him but that did not by any means, excuse his behaviour.

"Perhaps, a cup of tea will help," my aunt offered a pre-filled cup, she smiled.

I smiled back, "thank you, Aunt, you are too kind and I'm grateful. But I regret I must say no, as I've already had my morning tea."

"Oh? When?" She furrowed her eyebrows at me.

"Oh, you see, I tend to wake up far earlier than the rest of this court. For the sake of work. And I do love riding out into the forest and watching the sunrise."

"Is that right? When do you wake up?"

"Around half-past five."

She huffs and sips her tea. "Like a servant. Keep in mind, girl. After your first night with my son, you won't be waking up until past noon. I'm afraid a virgin such as yourself wouldn't be able to handle my son well."

My mother and I choked and I, by some miracle, kept from laughing. "I see. I'll be sure to keep that in mind."Probably has the smallest dick in the continent...If he has one at all.{2} I clear my throat and examine the carpet under me. Even though I've seen this carpet so many times it makes me want to vomit just looking at it.

**2. I can assure everyone. He does. Indeed. Have a dick. A decent sized one too.**

I choose to look out the window instead. The sky was a happy summer-blue and a faint red still creased the horizon as I looked out onto the busy harbour. My reflection stared back at me. I'd chosen to wear a plain emerald dress with a diamond necklace that emphasized my collarbones and eyes. Dahlia had arrived after I had dismissed Liam and, after comforting me for one hour as I sobbed in her arms, had chosen to put vines of silver lace flowers in my hair.

I stared. She looked like a princess. Dignified. Stunning.

I wanted to curl into a ball and sob myself into eternity.

Approximately, three minutes later, the doors creaked open and Anthony appeared, still adjusting his gold cufflinks. His gold hair had been tied back into a bun and he looked far older than a nineteen-year-old as he seated himself beside me. {3}

**3. Fifteen. Not three. Minutes.

He has a beard that's why he looks old.**

"Ah, my son. You've come."

"No mother, you're all simply hallucinating." He muttered as he crossed his leg over his other and crossed his arms over his chest, slouching into the chair. He stared wide-eyed awaiting our mother's judgment. When he caught me staring, he glared.

I glared right back. Cunt.

Bitch.

What the- GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!

He smirked in satisfaction, his eyes bright with mischief and disdain. No.

You little bas-

I breathed in. Ignore him. It'll be fine. Just. Ignore. Him.

An image surfaced in my head. It was that of a horse fucking another horse.

I furrowed my eyebrows and slowly turned to him a look of disgust and horror on my face. He silently chuckled at me. How.... how the fuck do you even know what a that looks like?

He shrugged. I breed horses as a hobby.

................................You have a hobby?

Is that so surprising?

Yes.

He sat up and leaned closer to me. What do you think I do in my free time?

......Fffffffffuck- women?

And?

.....Count how many bastards. You. Have?

He grinned. You really do think me so lowly?

Yes.

He mentally chuckled. No hesitation, eh?

None for you. I stare at the bottle of wine and resist the urge to chug it down my throat.

It's poisoned. He informs me.

I give him a side-long glance. I know.

I'd lived long enough with my mother to know what her punishments looked like. First, she'd poison me. Then, once I'd passed out. They'd drag me to the dungeon. For....

To do....

It.

I didn't want to say what. I couldn't find the strength. But I knew I wouldn't be put in a cell today.

No. Not today.

Not ever.

I breathed in and looked to my mother. She stared back.

I wondered at that moment. What it was like to have someone who cared.

****

Anthony: Vote and comment and I'll let you have one of my bastards.