23. Mistakes

Song: Stay with me - Anson Seabra

Our lovely Amelia

There so many things I could have done that night.

So many things I could have done better. Things I couldn't have done at all.

A thousand mistakes.

But as I'm hauled off the ground into my brother's arms and transported to my room I feel nothing. The smell of gunpowder, blood, and ash hangs in the air. The light of the city below, forgotten as the summer air turns cold and the full moon hangs above us. Watching. Judging.

It's all my fault.

"What will happen now?" Anthony's voice is hollow as he walks next to us.

My brother pauses. "His funeral will be held as quickly as possible. We'll be visiting his family. They deserve comfort and the knowledge that their son died a hero. He died protecting the crown."

It's ironic. He died a hero but I can't celebrate him. He saved my life but he'll always be a bastard to me. A fraud.

Should I feel guilty about that? Should I be sobbing right now? Is it alright for me to be numb?

I don't feel like crying anymore. My chest hurts from my outburst a few moments before. Godly power still sizzles in the air. And the light in the garden is uneven. There is light where there should be shadows and shadows in the middle of clearings.

It feels so surreal and yet so fantastical at once. I don't believe in magic but sometimes I wonder what the light in my body is then, if not magic?

We enter the now empty and dark ballroom, all the candles have been snuffed out and courtiers and eye my brother and I, as well as Anthony in a mix of fear and concern. They may have gifts from God as well, but none of their gifts have the ability to create the destruction they had witnessed from Anthony and me from the last few days.

I think back to Liam, who had a gift as well. In the house of lotuses, he would his ability to turn his skin as hard as a rock to win many fights, and would be scolded by the teachers for using one's gift to win fights was considered cheating.

Why didn't he use it then so the arrows wouldn't have pierced?

New tears pool in my eyes.

.....Why?

Isaiah shushes me as we make it through the crowd but I can't keep my tears. I sob as silently as I can. Trying not to scream.

Why?

I've lost so many people already. Papa, Annie. Why him too?

What did I do wrong?

Is it because I prostituted to pay rent? Or is it because I killed to put food on the table for my daughter?

Did I deserve this?

I probably did but what about his family? They had done nothing wrong. Is this all my fault?

Why?

I cling to my little brother as we exit the ballroom and enter the hallway leading to the royal quarters. The hallway is as dark as the ballroom, the only light we have is the moonlight and nothing else. The air is freezing and pricks my bare arms, stained in my and Liam's blood. That blood will only add to my already bloodied hands. The stains of my enemies and the monsters I slaughtered.

Perhaps it would be good if my own blood was added to those hands?

It wouldn't be hard. Knives are hidden all over my chambers in case of infiltration. I would just put it to my throat and.....cut.

Simple.

But as I look up at my little brother I know, I would only cause him more pain. He'd already been through so much. I couldn't pain him with him losing his older sister.

Cora would be devastated as would everyone else. Besides, Isaiah was never made to be king. I could never put him through that burden.

But at the same time, he could adapt. And my friends would move on from my death. Seven years from now, I would only be another sad memory in the books of their lives.

They would live.

They don't need me.

We arrive at my chambers and Isaiah slowly puts me down. As if, if he wasn't careful, I would break. I felt like that too.

Dahlia runs to me and embraces me hard. I nearly collapse as her warmth encases me. Her small stature means that I have to bend down to embrace her but at that point, I don't care. I'm so numb, I just want to feel something again.

"You'll be alright, beautiful girl," she murmurs as she wipes my tears.

I don't feel like I'll be alright. I don't feel beautiful.

My hair is tangled with mud and leaves all over it. Blood clads my arms and my gown is ripped in some parts.

What could she possibly see that's beautiful?

But I don't say any of that, instead, I say, " Why did they all leave?"

Why did everyone I love, leave?

At that moment a small part of me reminds myself that Anthony, my first love, hasn't left me yet. But that part of me easily silenced when I remember that he never loved me back and that he has no memories of me whatsoever. Besides, he may have come back to me but he came back to me in the form of a bastard.

Dahlia smiles at me, it's one of those gentle motherly smiles I've only ever seen on her face. " My love, you are the bravest woman I have ever met. You wake up every day to fight the same demons, over and over again-" she frames my face and strokes my cheeks "- believe me when I say that you will survive this. God does not burden his servants with what they cannot handle."

I sob again. I shouldn't be crying. I'm supposed to be strong like Dahlia said. I shouldn't be crying but I am.

I'm weak. I'm pathetic. I'll never get better. I'm broken beyond repair.

The words repeat in my head, a cacophony of my failure as I'm lead away to be bathed.

*****

As I'm scrubbed raw and bandaged, my sadness and pity for myself slowly simmers and thickens into a molten black substance, I imagine the color to be something similar to Anthony's shadows and have the same consistency as melted chocolate. Though it is far more bitter than sweet.

Anger.

Someone had to pay. Whoever dared hurt my Liam and people were going to pay. No one gets to intrude into my home, ruin everything and get away with it. I would find them, whoever they were. I would slice their bodies into bits, cook the meat and feed them to the dogs.

That's what they deserved. That's what they will get. I will not stand by and watch anymore. I am not that defenseless twelve-year-old anymore and I vow to never go back.

I'm quiet as I'm bandaged. Dr. Claude reads out my instructions for getting better. I don't pay attention, I've heard these instructions enough to have memorized them. It's pitiful how out of control my "gift" is. I can't even use them properly. I almost scoff at myself. And apparently, I'm supposed to be a hero.

I remember the prophecy that was read out to me when I was a child, my duty was to kill the anti-hero, the child of the devil. And restore peace to the world. But that prophecy is at least a million years old. No child of light has been able to accomplish it either. One came close. Prince Silo, my great-grandfather, everyone thought he would fulfill the prophecy.

He found a great deal of information about the prophecy and how to 'defeat the darkness', but when he went against his enemy, Queen Esmeray of Bellona. He was utterly slaughtered. And that's how the war started. The war took my father, my mother, and my older brother.

As I grew older, I began to resent not only my powers but that damn prophecy as well. By the age of eleven, I'd already decided to never fulfill it. There was no point in starting another war.

When I met Anthony for the first time, that idea was even more reinforced. He was so kind, sweet, gentle. I couldn't kill him. Couldn't hate him. I raise my eyes to him now and I know, even if I stabbed him last night. I still didn't hate him. Perhaps, I wanted him dead. But not by me. If he were to die, he dies at the hands of the people he'd hurt. The people who deserved vengeance.

I didn't deserve to kill him. Even if he took Anna away from me. Even if he hurt me by never loving me back. It wasn't his fault that Anna died. It wasn't his fault he didn't love me. I would never force him to love me either. If someone loved me, they'd do so in their own free will.

No. But I would kill Liam's killer. I make sure they suffered for what they've deprived me. My love. My Liam. He may have never loved me but I did. He would be avenged.

I'm already planning my escape as everyone leaves and I'm left alone. I'd pretended to fall asleep at some point so they'd exit faster but the moment the door clicked shut, my eyes flew open. I quietly got out of bed and packed the necessities.

Which wasn't much. I simply changed my clothes to something less noticeable and packed a bottle of whiskey in a satchel. I clad myself in hidden daggers and tied my hair in a simple hairstyle.

When I turned to face myself in the mirror, I grinned. Gone was the extravagant facade that I forced myself to wear in front of courtiers. Gone was Crown Princess Regent Amelia Pandora Athena Ignatius.

I giggled and bow to myself, "Greetings again, Amelly. So good to see you again."

I cover my face with my hood and saunter over to my desk.

Picking up my pen I make the most melodramatic note I've ever written:

I can't take this court anymore. After all this, I need a break.

Please forgive me.

-Amelia

I snort at myself and giggle again at the idea of my mother reading this. I wonder if she'd send soldiers to find me this time. As if, they'll find me. Poor things.

I put the note on my bed and walk over to the balcony.

This is going to be fun.

I leap onto the ledge and stare out onto the city below.

Time to go home, I think as I jump off the balcony.

End of Part 1: The palace