Just Us

Maria did not know how long she cried for, but at some point, she had brought her legs up to rest over Arthur's lap so that she could be snuggled up even closer to him.

She was grateful for his comfort and the fact that he held her without trying to talk to her or without telling her to calm down.

He simply let her grieve in the way that she needed to, and in the time that she needed.

She focused on the rhythm of his chest moving up and down, and tried to match her breathing to it in order to calm herself down.

By the time she got her breathing settled, the tears she had shed had already dried on her face that she was sure must have been red from exertion.

Feeling too vulnerable to face Arthur, she kept her head on his chest but told him, "Thank you for holding me, I think I needed it".

"Anytime."

He continued to stroke her hair as his other hand held tightly to her thigh, just above her kneecap.

It would have been considered scandalous, but Maria really couldn't care less. Not only that, but she had missed his touching and comforting embrace.

"Do you mean that?" she asked, pulling away to look at his face to find the truth. She was still feeling vulnerable, but she needed to know where they stood.

His bright green eyes found hers and he intently looked at her as he said, "We're partners now, we have to be there for each other in good times and bad".

Maria could tell that he meant his words, which made her stomach twist with guilt. "I have not done a good job being there for you. I'm sorry."

"You've apologized a lot over the last couple of days."

"And for good reasons. I think I owe you some explanations and answers to questions, too," she replied shyly.

"Are you ready to talk about it or do you need more time? We still have four and a half days of travel, so there's no rush if you aren't ready," Arthur said.

"We should have talked about it yesterday. I've made you wait long enough."

"Alright," he said as he pulled her off of his lap to put some space between them so neither had to crane their necks to look at the other.

Maria felt an emptiness and longing when he moved away from her. "I don't know where to start," she admitted.

"How about we start with why you chose Henri over me," he said with a slight stiffness in his voice.

His bright green eyes were glued to her, and she felt her heart beat in her ears from distress. "The truth is, I meant what I had told you in the library. With your confidence and the way you tease me, I couldn't tell if you had real feelings for me or if I was just some conquest, and that scared me."

She swallowed hard and averted her gaze before she continued, "When it came to Henri, I always knew--I thought I knew how he felt about me. He told me he was falling for me as you did, and he had never done anything for me to doubt him. A big difference between you two was that I knew I was falling for him when he told me his feelings, but with you, I really didn't know how I felt at first."

Maria gripped her hands together to stop them from shaking.

"By the time you had left the library that day, I knew that I was in love with you, but you were right-- I didn't want to be because I was scared. Henri seemed like the man I should be with and love, like he was the logical and safe choice. So, I tried to push down my feelings for you, and I went to convince my father that he was the right choice before I let my heart talk my brain out of it so that I would pick you instead. I was so terrified that you would break my heart, that I needed to push you away to avoid being hurt. In the end, I realized that I damaged both of us in the process."

Arthur was quiet for a moment while he processed everything she said before he asked, "So you loved both of us but thought he was the safe option?"

She finally had the courage to look back up at him when she answered, "No, I picked him because my insecurities told me he was the safe option. I was falling for him and thought that if we were married that love could grow from there, but the truth is, I was already hopelessly in love with you".

"So you would have married him even though you were in love with me, out of fear that I might possibly hurt you?" he asked.

"Yes," Maria said in embarrassment; she knew how stupid that sounded.

"And now? Do you still love me?" he asked her. He had pushed down his emotions to defend himself, and wore an emotionless expression as he looked at her.

"Yes," she breathed out, "How could I not?"

"You looked so upset when your father announced that we were to be married. You could barely look at me. And then you ran away, only to come back holding my brother's hand," he spit out.

"I was upset, but not for me," she said as she scooted across the seat to close the small gap between them. "I felt horrible that I had trapped you. You deserve so much better than me, and obviously you wouldn't want to marry me after what I had put you through that morning with Henri."

He softly chuckled and looked at her with fire in his eyes as he said, "You clearly have no idea what I want".

Maria felt her heart flip in her chest and the magnetic pull yanked her towards him as she softly asked, "And what do you want?"

"You."

That was enough for Maria to lunge forward towards him, but before her lips could find his, she felt pressure on her shoulders.

She looked down and saw that his hands were pushing her away from him.

Her brow furrowed in confusion and she felt tears prick at her eyes.

Their eyes met and he answered the confusion on her face by saying, "I need time".

She cleared her throat and immediately scooted away; she looked down at the floor of the carriage, and did her best to not let her voice shake when she replied, "Of course".

"Maria--" he started to explain, but she cut him off.

"It's fine, really. I figured you hated me, so I shouldn't be surprised that you would need time to forgive what I did. If you can even forgive it, that is."

"I don't hate you, I'm just...hurt," he admitted in a voice filled with defeat.

"I'm sorry," she said, still looking away from him.

The carriage suddenly felt ice cold.

"I know you are, so you don't have to keep apologizing."

Maria nodded her head but couldn't bring herself to look at him; she felt so much shame and sorrow for hurting him.

They sat in silence for no more than a minute before she heard Arthur sigh and shift his weight. "Come here."

Confused, Maria looked up and saw him holding his arms out for her. She felt like she must have not been understanding his intentions, so she continued to remain unmoving with her eyes glued to him.

"I don't like seeing you upset, so come here before I change my mind" was all he said to explain. He waved his arms in a come hither motion to encourage her to move closer.

Grateful for any kind of comfort she could get from him during a time when she felt so broken, she immediately moved so that they were in the position they were in before, with her legs resting over his thighs and her body being held in his arms. She rested her face on his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck, needing the closeness of someone she treasured.

"Better?" he asked once she was settled.

"Better. Thank you."