Tree house

It is on a Friday evening. I know for most you it's that time when you go those dark houses with loud music, hot shorties -girls if you're not from this planet, well-built male strippers and lots of booze, while to others, it's time to go to that kaneighbouring bank and deposit the week's chums- if you don't know the meaning gerra out of here, and save a little of it for Sunday's tithe, since your pastor says, "Do not go to the house of our Father empty-handed". For you to get a gate pass to church which will in turn bear the heaven path, you are forced to fill your hand with some few dollars because even in your sinful ways you still need to go to the holy land. I also want to go there but I have my own reasons for that.

For our mothers and aunties, it's time to go to those tuchamas and decide who is to 'carry' that week's contribution. For the juniors, it's another day, where school bags have to be under beds, dirty socks on the table and those stinking shoes on that nicely laid carpet at the sitting room.

On my side, there is no such a big difference with that kajuniour in your apartment, as it's just another f*cking day when I have to throw my back pack on the floor, climb onto my bed in my shoes, lay down this whole monument of a man on those clean, soft and nice scented bedsheets (don't dare question my level of cleanliness) and wish I had a tree house 'cause it would really do me justice on this day. Let's hold a bit… imagine being on a tree house on a Friday evening. Isn't it the coolest thing ever? Listening to birds chirping and watching them making love to one another, haha. Maybe sinking in that cool evening breeze with a Dan Brown book, trying to understand what the hell is going on to the universe and where did the universe come from on the first place and maybe you'll look down and see people and animals retiring to their chambers and certain questions will caress your empty mind; "Why did that animal grow horns while that human over there didn't?" or "Why is that grass looking so green while that glass over there is just but annoying me with its shiny glow?" But all those question will remain unanswered due to your arrogance 'cause even when Dan Brown gives you all the clues, you won't be able to decipher the nature's way of life, so you'll be forced to swallow those bitter questions and your ego too and let the world be.

As for me, a tree house would be a life changing moment. I have been thinking about it for a while now, but the rate at which people are cutting down trees, I'm getting goosebumps once that idea clicks in my mind, so I'll have to let my youthhood memories be filled with me sleeping in jeans, black hoodie and my bag pack lying on the floor every Friday evening and life goes on.

On Saturday morning, I usually wake up with my Friday's hangover and if by accident you walked into my house that morning, you would confuse me with an early riser as I'm usually in my whole wear, if you know you know, but the smell of a millennium dead corpse would definitely betray me for no early riser smells like that at 10.30 am on a Saturday, but don't hate or judge. If I was to decide my morning smell, I would definitely go for the Big Boss perfume scent but that will never happen for He created me in his own image. That being said and done, I know for you folks, this is the day you pretend to be all clean and all good, helping your house managers, cleaning your dogs, cutting the hedges, slashing compound grass and even cleaning your lazy bodies. Yes I said it there LAZY BODIES! That for me, is just a mere fantasy 'cause those things gives me chills for Saturday is my no wear day. The day when I resist-you guys have missed this word as it has its own bitter memories, huh, these Chinese fabrics and stay in Garden of Eden wear which FYI is very comfortable; please add it into your bucket list. I would also select my animation collection which runs from; Woodpecker, Angry Bird, Maleficient, Rango and any other egocentric animation you know of. Afterwards, I would connect my 'jackpot' (a spy word for a laptop) to my home theatre, which out of my hard-working ass, I'm privileged to own and the day would take it course. Outside, I'd hear my neighbours whining and knocking I guess wanting to disrupt my comfort by telling me to reduce my home theatre's volume but that falls on deaf ears (another phrase that won me my baby mama when I had lines) as my door remains locked and so does my window for Saturday is my tree house fantasy day.

Many are times when I spend my Saturday without eating and for you greedy folks that should act as a disclaimer "never visit me on Sato- word only used by people from Karen for the rest, Jumamosi is allowed". Back to my story, I do fast on Saturday meaning I'm going to heaven direct and collect my golds and silver; at times it's good to dream big as it's written if you die poor, in heaven you will live like a tycoon for heavenly riches awaits you. On Saturday still, it's my no phone day just to illustrate how special this day is to me and to my entire generation for I'm planning on passing it to my kids and the trend will continue even in heaven or hell, wherever fade decides to take us.

Then, there is 'The Holy Day', some call it ' Sunday', others 'Church Day', others 'Siku Ya Bwana' , I don't know who told them that God's name is 'Bwana', but that is not for me to nosy around as it depends on who was their nursery school teacher. Yes, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by those' bwana' people, this is the day when I usually listen to my favourite radio show and enjoy the word of God together with my home stayers, can I get a hallelujah at the back. On this day still, I usually get questions from both my friends and my fake friends as to why I don't go to church and from their understanding, they believe I don't go to church just because I practically don't go to those prayer houses, and before you start judging me and throwing shades in my life, here is my theory: To start with, I don't work and these money eaters pastors say tithe allows us to enter the house of God, so I opt to stay indoors, enjoy mass from radio, pray that I get a tree house one day because I would kill for one. That means if you really hate someone or you're planning on stealing someone's wife for I know most of you are adulterers, just call me for my charges will be simple; a tree house, and you will be a happy person without anyone you hate and also a happy man with someone's wife and you live a happy life. By now you should know what a tree house means to me.

So where was I, oh yeah, after listening to the mass, praying and combining my Saturday's fasting, I believe whatever I prayed for shall be granted to me one day, so all I have to practice is patiency which is a virtue and as many of you know, I'm a very principled guy when it comes to me being 'good' so I have to wait. As I wait, I make a cup of coffee, I'm obsessed with coffee and Kikuyu as I am, chai is our curse from Ngai and that means every community has its own curse, so go and ask your grandmother what your community's curse is. At times, I usually have an egg and a ripe banana to drink with my white coffee: the breakfast which Tom and Mary used to take before going to church. That book was a dream connector so poor onto you if you didn't read it. Just to give you a hint, this book was more interesting than a Super Striker magazine if you still don't know what that is, I apologize for wasting your time but it seems you had such a boring childhood. Away from that, after having my heavy breakfast, I usually go back to my bed and sleep the day off when I'm cleansed for the next day is hell's day which I hate imagining it will come to a happening.

And finally, the day when Satan was sent down from heaven arrives. This is the day which for sure nature usually punish us just to remind us that our forefather Adam couldn't keep it in his pants when he was tricked to eat a fruit by Eve; I know the Bible. Can you fathom it even?! He f*cked the whole of mankind with a fruit! Sometimes I usually wish I was Adam because I would have eaten something bigger and extinct like a dinosaur and after finishing it, I would go and swim in the Red Sea and later come out of water in slow motion like terminator, look back at the sea and say 'Hasta la vista, baby', then walk back to Garden of Aden, drink that dinosaur's blood and sleep. How cool is that? I know for sure that would cool down today generation's bitterness, and they will be like "Adam -mah nigger, ate a whole dinosaur, went and swam on the Red Sea, drank the dinosaur's blood and slept and upon waking up, he laughed after realizing that he was nude" and me in heaven, I would watch them, smile side ways and thumb them up for thinking I was cool 'cause for sure that would be awesome-pants wetter to be precise, huh. But since I'm just a millennial who needs a tree house, I have to wake up, worst of all take a shower, wear German silk, brush my teeth, pick up my bag pack on the floor, head to school and listen to those professors just bickering about their 'fabulous' lives when indeed its just miserable. For who wears one suit for a whole semester and still have the audacity of saying he is cool? I think my life will be awesome when I get that tree house for I have noted I can't be a dinosaur-eating Adam.