Chapter 1

I was happy, wasn't I?

My long hair hung from my face as I stared down into my sink. Maybe I was just trying to convince myself. But still, these thoughts repeated in my head. After a few minutes of letting my thoughts wander, I splashed my face with water and looked into the mirror. My long brown hair was fixed messily into a part, and hung down around my chin, and covered my left eye. It has been half a year since I cut it.

It's already been almost 7 months…

A deep, heavy ache grew in my chest as I remembered back. Quickly, I slapped my face before it happened again.

I'm fine with this.

It's a fairly nice day. The sun was out, and was only obstructed when one of the many spread out clouds past in front of it. There were many students walking along with me, but I didn't care to look if I recognized them. As I walked, the familiar scenery enfolded around me. I found myself back at school. It would be the first time I had returned to school in over half a year. I silently continued walking, quickening my pace a bit. As I passed through the hallway to get to my homeroom class, I noticed stares landing on me.

What? I asked them in my head.

Well, I guess I do look a bit different than 7 months ago. Nonetheless, I walked right past the onlookers, and into my homeroom. More stares burned into my skull as I walked towards my seat. My teacher, who seemed to not even recognize me, stared in confusion as I walked to my seat. Only when a gust of wind blew my hair out of my face did she recognize me.

"Nimura?!" She said incredulously.

"...Yeah?" I said, probably a little more aggressively than I realized.

I can't stand people who make a big deal out of everything.

A couple minutes after she did attendance, she got up from her chair and waddled over to me.

"I almost didn't recognize you! Why didn't you say anything?" She asked, getting way to close for comfort, "How have you been?"

"Good."

Would you please leave me alone?

"You really look different!"

"Yeah."

My face began to feel hot, and my annoyance built.

Oh no…

"So what have you been do-"

"Can I go to the restroom?" I asked, or more like stated, as I was already beginning to walk away before she responded.

"O-ok…"

I hurried out the door, closing it behind me. I stood outside the door for a few seconds. I hadn't realized how heavily I was breathing, and was sweating profusely.I didn't return to class after that. Ever since then, I can't deal with people like her.

A few minutes later, I went on and continued my day as I would if I were in online school. I hardly ever paid any attention during class. My thoughts were mainly filled with ideas of philosophy, and writing essays in my head throughout the day. Philosophy and analyzing literature of the only things I found even remotely interesting, along with anime, manga, and novels. I can't really explain why it interests me so much. I guess deciphering what makes someone who they are intrigues me. I practically live for english class. But even then, once I actually make it to that class, I can't even accomplish anything. I sit there, stuck, staring down at an essay, journal, mandatory reading book, whatever we happen to be doing. It's all useless knowledge if I can never use it.

I have no place here.

I walked through the halls, staring straight ahead. All of the conversations surrounding me grew louder, until my ears began to ring.

Dammit...what's wrong with me.

Once again, I found myself skipping class. It really is a bad habit. I sat by the side of the school, drinking a coffee I bought from our vending machine. It tasted bitter. I don't even know why I bother drinking it. I hate the taste. But despite that, I sit in silence, drinking it. My thoughts wandered from one thought to another, and pretty soon I found it harder and harder to keep my eyes open.

Screw it.

I place my bag beneath my head and let myself drift away.

After about 15 minutes of light sleep, I began to feel a strange sensation. It almost felt as though someone is... staring at me. With a sudden realization, I shot up. What, or who, I was staring at, I would never have expected in a hundred years.

"Uh...Hello."

It's her.

Oh god, why?

The girl who rejected me over a half a year ago was standing right in front of me. Ai Nishimiya.

It was like staring back into my worst nightmare.

"Hey, you okay?"

I snapped out of my daze and looked up at her.

"I-I'm sorry!"

She looked back at me confused.

Huh? Why'd I say that?

To my surprise, she let out a little giggle.

"Can we talk?" She asked.

My eyes widened.

"This is a prank right?"

I didn't say this as a joke. There is no way she wants to talk to me.

Hearing this, she looked genuinely disappointed.

"Why do you think that?"

"Take a guess."

That may have come out a little more harshly than I expected.

"You're embarrassed aren't you, talking to your crush," She said with a smug smirk.

It's stuff like this that makes me mad.

"You think you're funny, don't you," I murmured, turning away from her.

I walked quickly, so I had already managed to go about fifteen feet before I heard her running up behind me, and proceeded to grab my hand. I tried to pull it away, but she just tightened her grip.

"What."

"No jokes. No pranks. Please, I just want to talk to you."

I was about to pull away, until I caught a glimpse of her eyes. They were a deep green-blue, seemingly endless. It was like staring at the abyss. And yet, I couldn't look away. She's not the same girl I confessed to all those months ago.

"Fine. What do you want to talk about."

We walked around the border of the school ground, making small talk. I guess you could say we were "catching up", but it's not like we really know each other. But even so, I have no trouble talking to her, which was a surprise as I can barely even ask to use the bathroom correctly.

"So, what have you been doing for the last few months?"

A question I really didn't want to answer.

"Uh, you know...stuff," I muttered, probably unconvincingly.

"What kind of stuff?" She asked with a tilted head.

If I wanted you to know, I would tell you.

"Is there anything more important you wanted to ask?"

"I never said I wanted to ask you anything," She said in a quiet tone and a small smile on her face.

"Then what's the point of this conversation?"

After asking that, she ran ahead of me, turned around, and faced me.

"You know, you're pretty awful at hiding it. You're lonely. It's easy to tell."

I have never once been so provoked to hit a woman, and yes, I did just quote Light Yagami.

"B-bullshit! How do you know?"

She did an almost magical girl-like gesture and said in a teasing voice:

"That's a secret! You'll know one day."

After that, she turned and walked away.

The events that had just transpired lead me to a realization, or rather, awoke a long lost feeling inside me.

So...cute

After the events of today, I went home and did nothing but lay in bed. But I didn't feel tired. Infact, it was quite the opposite. My heart rate was raised, and I couldn't seem to calm down. It's because of her. Every time I think about her, my heart rate rises. Maybe I should go for a walk.

It was already decently late in the evening, so there was no chance of running into anyone from school, thankfully. I walked around town, no real aim. I just want to distract myself, I guess. The last thing I need is some obnoxious girl to come butting into my life. Even despite that, I really couldn't bring myself to stop thinking about her. What does she want with me? What's her goal? I mean, she already rejected me, so why? The combination of thinking and wandering lead me to the local ice rink. I neglected to mention another hobby of mine. I love ice skating. It just wasn't necessary nor relevant information at that time. Anyway, I opened the door and walked inside. This was one of the few places where I felt truly comfortable, besides my bedroom. There was something about the cool, fresh air in the rink and the warmth of the small snack bar in the lobby. Walking up to the cash register, I gave the clerk some money, and in turn he handed me skates. I don't understand why I like skating. I'm not particularly good, so it's not attractive. I'm too skinny and slow to play hockey. But despite this, I still strive to become better at this, no matter how useless it is. I love the way it feels as the skates tear through the ice, or the sound when you stop. I don't understand. But really, do I need to? I want to do it, so why shouldn't I?

After skating for a while, I finished up and began my trek home. It probably wasn't the best idea to go skating at 10 pm at night with no ride home. My legs were sore, and I was completely exhausted. The half hour walk home couldn't have felt more excruciating. But eventually, I made it home. It was now 12 am, a whole hour and a half past what time I originally predicted I would arrive home. The house was dark, as usual. I didn't really have the energy to make food, or even take a shower, so I just collapsed on the nearest piece of comfortable furniture.

I've never really dreamt while sleeping. My nights were usually over the second I closed my eyes. But for some reason, this night was different. I dreamt I was in my school's hallway. A familiar sight. I stood in the middle of that hallway, surrounded by a large crowd. And they just laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Desperation built up, and I began to shake.

Wake up...please. This isn't real…

My eyes opened slowly, becoming aware of everything around me.

Was I dreaming?

I appeared to have fallen asleep on my living room couch, still in my clothes from last night's skating session. It was already 7:30, a half hour from when school was about to start. I guess I'm skipping school today. Sluggishly, I went to go find something to eat. There wasn't really many options. I hadn't scraped up any money this week for shopping, so I had to make do with some cup ramen. Cup ramen is one of those things that are so grossly bad for your health, and yet, it was so hard to stop eating. Why do I eat it? I know it will just give me indigestion, and yet I just couldn't stop myself. It's so useless, but is that not okay? I would starve if I didn't eat it, so what's the issue? I don't understand, but is that not okay as well? I want to eat, so I eat. That's all there is to it.

A loud knock on my door broke me out of my incessant rambling. What would anyone want with me this early in the morning? I contemplated just ignoring it, but they seemed very insistent on getting me to open my door. I waited for almost 2 minutes to see if the knocking would stop, but it never did. Getting annoyed, I stormed over to the door and yanked it open.

"What the hell do you want!" I yelled., without actually checking to see who it was.

I almost fell backwards, seeing who it is. It's Ai Nishimiya.

"Oh."

Unphased by my anger, she continued to hold a slight smile, just like always.

"Can I come in?"