Chapter 5

Growing up, I was never healthy. I spent much of my time through elementary school watching other children playing on the playground, being active, and having fun. The other amount was spent at the doctors. I was very skinny, frail even. I often thought about what would happen if someone offered me a chance to trade bodies with someone else. And to that though, I would reply:

"Without a second though."

Childish, right?

I never understood what it was like to be happy during that time.

But the thing is, I didn't hate it either.

I was more confused by the fact that no one else was like me. Not a single person sat and watched people during recess except me. But all along, I was never lonely. I was simply alone.

Time passed, and I grew a bit. By the time I was 13, I was fairly healthy. That was 4 years ago now. My parents continued to pay for my medical issues all the way up until the point where I was healthy.

I had everything I needed to become the person I wanted to become all along. I decided that it was my obligation to become needed, to become popular. Maybe it was out of guilt for wasting my parents money, or maybe just to find meaning. Who knows?

Anyways, in my first year of highschool, I managed to slip in with a fairly popular group.

It felt like enough for once in my life. I was happy.

The biggest lie I ever told myself. I didn't realize it at the time, but they just used me. They never needed me.

"Buy me some food. We're friends, right?"

Being the fool I was, I simply went along with that.

For almost 4 years, I did their chores, sucked up to them, bought them food. I never once tried to fight back.

It was 7 months ago.

It was really the first time I ever had a crush. Ai Nishimiya.

She was really beautiful. Something about her just drew me towards her. And yet, I never even managed to say a single word to her, until one day.

After school, me and my friends would often mess around, trashing bathrooms, running around, messing with the teachers, ect.

I was never actually comfortable with it, but I still went along with it.

It was just me and the "leader" of our group.

We were engaging in our normal antics, when I saw Ai Nishimiya going into a classroom, alone. Something compelled me to follow her.

The worst mistake I could make. If I could go back in time and tell myself to stop being such a fool, I would.

When I stepped into the classroom, it was like a scene straight out of a romcom. A cool breeze flowing through the windows, the curtains flying. A golden light cast throughout the room. It was an atmosphere that shouldn't exist in reality.

But it's beauty was just another lie. It was my worst fear in disguise.

I walked up to her.

"H-hey...I'm sure you don't know who I am, but my name is Nimura," She turned towards me, surprised, "I, um, just think you're really...really pretty! Will you...uh...go out with me?"

She smiled. She actually smiled at me.

She opened her mouth to respond, but before she could, a burst of rowdy laughter echoed into the classroom.

My friend had been standing outside the door throughout my entire confession.

My face faded from bashful, into pure shock and terror.

He walked up to me, putting his hand on my shoulder and burying his face in his other palm.

"Nimura...Oh Nimura...Seriously?! Do you know how out of her league you are?! Like, come on...are you serious?!"

He was practically cackling at this point.

I felt nothing. Just extreme nothingness.

My hearing faded, his incessant insults along with it.

I blacked out. I have no memories of what happened after that.

The next thing I remember was sitting in the principal's office, surrounded by police and other teachers.

"Nimura! Explain yourself! Why the hell would you do that?!"

His words confused me.

"What...what exactly did I do?"

They stared at me in shock.

Somehow, I had failed to recognize the fact that I had beaten my best friend to a pulp.

I felt nothing as they explained this to me.

I'm sure if I could see my face, I would be terrified of myself.

Eventually my parents showed up. They apologized excessively.

I found myself wondering why. He asked for it.

They took me home. We didn't talk. We didn't eat. We didn't even acknowledge each other's existence.

Eventually, the news of my act was publicized, and the whole town knew within a day.

Sometimes, people would yell obscenities at us.

Other times, they'd vandalize our cars.

Once, one of our bedroom windows was smashed in during the night.

But even throughout this, I never once cared about the consequences of what I did. I beat my best friend so hard I gave them permanent brain damage.

I denied the very existence of it happening in the first place.

Pretty soon, it became too much for my parents. They couldn't handle me, nor the harassment. One morning, I woke up, and they were gone. Disappeared without a trace, except just one single note. It read:

"To Nimura,

We're sorry. Believe us. But it's just too difficult. Our life is a mess. We need to start over.

We'll send you all the money you need. So please, don't come looking."

Tears streamed down my face. I was terrified.

Not of being alone, but by the fact that I didn't feel rejected or angry. Not in the slightest.

I felt more free than I ever had before.

Time passed. I was alone. But never lonely.

As my parents promised, they sent me 500 dollars a week. At first, I blew it all on manga. I had already built a decent collection, but I had no sense of responsibility back then.

By then, I hadn't been in school in over 2 months. Normally, some councilor would have shown up to my doorstep and dragged me to school, but that never happened. No one came.

By 4 months of isolation, I had come to a realization.

I no longer existed.

I had committed an atrocity. I almost killed someone. So therefore, I was left behind by society. Not one single person acknowledged my existence. They had just stopped caring, and moved on to the next drama.

This, more than anything before in life, excited me. I decided to become a new person.

I grew my hair long. Long enough until I looked fairly different.

I bought weight sets with the money my parents gave me. I worked out for the first time in my entire life, and put on some muscle.

And by 7 months of isolation, I was a brand new person.

I was ready to make my return to school. A fresh start, full of real friends and hot girls.

But that never happened. They still recognized me, thanks to that goddamn teacher.

I was back to being non-existent. I have no place.

And that was when Ai approached me, and led me to this point.

I truly felt as though I could confide in her, like I could tell her how I truly feel about this world, and about myself.

But I went and ruined it. She'll hate me now.

I always questioned where I belonged, assuming that place existed at all.

I don't even deserve a place in this world.

I suck everyone around me up, crush them, and spit them out. Like a black hole.

It was foolish to think I could change. I ended up right back where I started, selfishly beating another person senseless, all just to validate myself.

I would never be normal. I never was anyways.

Really. I'm disgusting.

Taking a step up, I looked down at the water from on top of the bridge.

This is for the best. I'll just hurt more people otherwise.

Taking a breath, I prepared myself.

"Nimura."

I looked behind me. It was Ai.

She just smiled at me.

Her eyes stared into mine.

"Why?"

Why does she care? What is she doing this for?

"I don't need a reason to help someone."

What the hell is she talking about?

"THAT'S BULLSHIT! The only way to make it in this world is to have reason! Otherwise it's all just pointless, it's nothing!"

I could barely breathe.

"You're contradicting yourself, you know," She said as though she were my mother, "All those months ago, why did you confess to me?"

I…

I couldn't respond.

She's right. I had no reason back then. But that just made me more angry.

"...What the hell do you think you know about me? Huh!? You don't know a thing about what I've been through since then! I've failed in every way possible! I almost killed my best friend! I made my parents leave! I-I…"

I looked down as tears started streaming down my cheeks.

"You're right. I don't know anything about you, or what you've been through," She reached her hand towards me and touched my cheek, "But what I do know is that you saved me."

What…?

"When you confessed to me, I was so happy. Really, I was. I would have said yes if your friend didn't interrupt. You were the first person to recognize me."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"My point is that you haven't failed me. You never have."

I audibly gasped.

"All that time, I never stopped thinking about you. Nimura…your name, it means "One more day," right? I guess that's what I wished for. One more day with you."

Her face turned from reminiscent to stern.

"Nimura. Wishing for something is pointless. Meaning won't just fall into your lap. You have to search for it. I approached you for that reason. I had spent so long just wishing you'd appear."

No…

"You think I haven't tried to search? I've spent my whole life searching! I wasted 14 years of my life just trying to find happiness! But I never found it. In fact, I've gotten worse!"

"You've made mistakes. I'll admit that. But we have time. We have a whole life ahead of us! This place is the size of a marble compared to the entire world! It won't be easy, but you'll find it! Your meaning."

I fell to my knees. She's won. I can't say anything else.

She kneeled down in front of me, and pulled my face up to face hers.

"Nimura. You have meaning. It's somewhere in this world. You'll find it. I know you will. And until then, I'll be your meaning."

Tears were streaming down her face, as well.

We stayed there for an eternity, encaptured in a second.

That was all it took.

Love.

I'm in love with Ai Nishimiya.

It felt like...coffee.