I’m Such a Jerk

Monday, 26 April 2021

"How do you do it?" This was a question that popped out without warning when we got back to Justin's place. His place is so clean and white; the furniture and overall design look modern, and the three paintings hanging on the wall look classic because they are Korean masterpieces of the Joseon Dynasty; there's one in the living room, one in the dining room, and one in the kitchen. There's one right across me as I'm sitting on the living room couch, holding my book as if I'm going to start reading anytime when I don't really intend to because I will be saving that for later after dinner.

Justin looked busy preparing something in the kitchen when he responded, "Do what?" He didn't look at me though the living room and kitchen are practically connected. He was focused on doing his magic with whatever he was planning to cook.

I turned on the TV with his remote, then lowered the volume down. "How do you make girls look at you like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like you're the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen."

He laughed, almost dropping the potato he was peeling using a y-shaped vegetable peeler. "Bro, is that what has been bothering you? No wonder you didn't even respond when I asked what you wanted for dinner."

"Oh, did you ask me that?"

"Yeah, but you were busy checking out some girls."

I couldn't help but chuckle. "Nah, I was busy looking at some girls who seemed like they were under a spell as they looked at you."

Once again, he laughed. This time he was chopping something, but I couldn't see what it was. "And your question was, how did I do that?"

"Yeah."

"I honestly didn't do anything. I'm just…I don't know. I guess, they…" He stopped chopping. "Can you come and seat on this stool, so we could have a proper conversation instead of you switching the channels non-stop?"

Wow. I didn't even realize I was doing that until he said so. I must've really been out of it lately. I turned the TV off, then joined him. "Are you sure you want me here? You know what happens when I'm in the kitchen."

"Just don't touch anything and tell me what's on your mind."

Should I just tell him I'm envious of his popularity? I mean, he's my best friend and I tell him everything. It's not like I'm jealous of him as a person. I think it's more of, I just want a little of the attention he's getting when it comes to girls. Is that bad?

"Are you going to share what's on your mind, or are you just going to talk to yourself in your head?"

My eyes opened wide at his statement. "Okay, that was creepy. Are you some kind of mind reader?"

He put some oil in the pot, then turned on the stove. "Well, it's quite obvious that you have something on your mind. I mean, you've always been so contemplative. Like you live in another world."

I could only see his back when he said that. He has now started cooking, so the smell of garlic was making me hungry. "I guess, I just feel like the only thing I can do is read. And you, you're good at everything you do and girls love you."

He laughed for the third time. I wish he wouldn't do that because I'm freakin' serious.

"I'm not good at everything and not every girl loves me. I mean, what's the use of being good at many things and being popular with girls when the girl I really want doesn't even bat an eye on me as if I didn't exist."

So, he does have concerns, too and I didn't even know. I'm glad I opened this kind of conversation. I thought I knew everything about him. "Who are you are talking about?"

He gawked at me. "You're kidding me, right?" With the way he said this, he seemed a little annoyed at me.

"Why?"

"See, this is what I was trying to tell you a while ago. You seem to be in your own world. You don't pay attention to what's happening around you."

"I do, too. I pay attention to you."

He still looked pissed, but I couldn't quite dwell on it because the smell of meat in soy sauce and vinegar was overriding the genuine concern that I should be showing him. I must've really missed something very important in his life, but I couldn't seem to remember what it was.

"Bro, you were there when I was dumped."

"What?"

"Or at least I thought you were. You were probably too absorbed with your book, so you didn't notice I was dumped."

"Wait, when did this happen?"

"Oh my God, bro. I'm here cooking the best adobo for you and you don't remember one of the most devastating moments of my life!" (Adobo is a famous Filipino dish and one of my favorites.)

Okay, did he just yell at me? "Bro, come on. Tell me, so I could remember. I swear I know it and I could remember it if you tell me."

"Ayu!"

"Ayu?"

"Yes, Ayu!"

Now, everything made sense. And I thought it was just a little crush, but I was wrong. "So that last time you talked with her, you told her you love her?"

"Bro!"

"Sorry! I swear, bro. I didn't know. I was probably…"

"Reading a book while I was confessing to Ayu then ended up being dumped!"

"Shit, bro! I'm sorry!"

"Damn it, that happened last year!"

"I know. I'm such a jerk. I'm the worst best friend you ever had. You can kill me if it would make you feel better. Here." I handed him the peeler.

"How the heck can anyone kill using a peeler?"

"I'm sorry, bro. I really am. I'm such a…I'm such a…"

"Jerk."

"Oh, so that's why girls don't like me."

"You are one insensitive and selfish son of a…"

"Bro! I will make it up to you! Don't kick me out of here, please. The dinner smells so good."

He rolled his eyes.

"Bro, talk to me."

"If I remembered it correctly, you were supposed to be the one confiding in me." He finally sat down.

I swear I thought he was going to kick me out and he had never done that in our entire life of friendship together. I'm such a jerk. "It's okay. You can confide in me. My issues are nothing like yours. I honestly thought you had a perfect life."

He gave a fake smile. "You should pay attention to other people."

"I will. I really will."

"I mean, I admire the fact that you love to read. It's a great thing to do. But sometimes, you gotta live in the real world. And if you didn't know I got dumped by Ayu, then I guess you also didn't know she left."

"She left?"

He rolled his eyes and gave me a disconcerting look. "She went back to Korea, but I don't know why. It was probably because she didn't want to see me ever again after I confessed to her."

"How old is she by the way? I never did ask."

"27."

"So she's four years older than you."

"Yeah, she's almost the same age as you."

"Well then maybe that was the main reason why she didn't say yes to you when you confessed."

He straightened his posture. "You think so?"

"Yeah. I mean, I was not close with Ayu, but she seemed to be the type who would prefer older guys. Or maybe she did like you. She was just embarrassed to admit that because she's older. Or maybe she knew her parents would disapprove if they found out she liked someone younger. Bro, there could be so many reasons. I think you should ask her yourself."

"How can I? She's in Korea."

"What are we? Living in the stone age? You could just call her."

He rested his right elbow on the counter and covered his forehead with his hand. When he ran his fingers through his black hair, I realized that it has gotten really long. He hasn't cut his hair ever since he sported that undercut style where he always slicked back half of his hair. I've seen him in so many hairstyles and hair colors, but he stopped doing anything to his hair since last December. That was probably when Ayu rejected him and left.

I then realized something. "You didn't ask for her phone number?"

Now, I could really tell how desperate he was when his eyes looked at me like he was the biggest fool in the world. Not uttering a word, he stood up and checked if the food was ready. After putting the pot lid back, he got back to his stool and started cleaning the kitchen counter. I just remained seated on the other end, looking at the poor lonely thing. How could I have been so oblivious to his pain all this time? He's been such a great friend and I've been…Never mind. I'll make it up to him.

"Dinner will be ready in 10 – 15 minutes." He smiled, but I wanted to see his bunny smile, not that lonesome smile. Damn it, my heart hurts a lot, but my body is also telling me to eat and the food smells so delicious. What did I ever do to deserve such a great friend like Justin?