08// The war ethics

I don't deserve to think like this.

"Maybe you do deserve this." The voice chided once more, lingering on each word in the sentence as if mocking me.

It's been about a week since I started hearing those voices. And, based on what happened to me a few nights ago, this voice could be the same voice that is the dhatin of Blight that attacked me that day.

When has there ever a time that I was actually truley treated humane? To just feel the touch of human love, to be cherished in such a way that others are cherished. I guess I'm really unloved; an unwanted orphan after all...

And when I mean by being treated humane, I long to elucidate this humane feeling.

Sighing, I continue to stare at the events that lay before me, and I'm still aghast from all the blood. There's a stream of scarlet on the ground. There's red dripping from my face. There's crimson splattered on Henrik's overalls.

Has my past self, or rather, past life, somehow let me down? Okay, I'm starting to overthink here. But, if reincarnated souls did exist, has my soul been reincarnated by a person who's done some terrible shit? Jokingly, I tell myself. Happily, I smile like nothing has just happened before my eyes.

It's not like I'm supposed to be able to piece apart my feelings and glue them back together again. That's what I'll learn how to do eventually, though. Wind blows heavily towards my face, causing the wisps of cool air to suddenly bellow in fury. Breaths of emotion waver over me, not because of the cold, crisp air that causes my long, curly, brown hair to topple all over my face, but because of what Henrik just said.

Normal twelve year old girls don't get attacked by monsters and live to tell the tale.

What is even normal to me anyway? Could this all just be some really bad nightmare?

But no, this couldn't be dream.

So, does this mean that what this frail, insignificant, boy says is true?

Does he seriously think of me as an idiot to believe whatever crap he says?

" I don't believe you. That just doesn't make any sense! Why, its plain witchcraft if you know what I mean." I look at him with a bewildered look on my countenance as I take a glance at the blood dripping down his cheeks, to his neck. His melancholy grey-blue eyes look annoyed, and the pupils within them, distorted.

He must be shocked from what has just happened.

" Wha-? Witchcraft? No, no no. Look, Amity. Do you realize what's even happening to you? By human standards, you aren't human anymore. I just think that for your safety, you should go far away from Semarang. I-I just don't want this to get messy, alright?" Henrik tells me this, as he starts to walk away from where I'm standing. But...Why?

And, just like that, the only person who ever treated me human is turning against me.

Against me. Me who is now a monster, and will only ever be treated like one. But, can't there be another way out of this depth of collision? It's like someone has dumped me into a sea of pitch-black nothingness, and the seamen passing by, afloat on the water. Water for me isn't so delicious as it seems anymore. No matter how I look at it, I look at such a substance, take one sip, and barf.

I don't want to believe that I'm actually a monster.

How can this be?

Looking around me, I see the rainbow gum trees standing mighty and tall, above me. I'm the peasant to the eyes of above. I don't want to think about the overwhelming emotions that splurge throughout my mind at this very moment. I see in the bucket that is my thoughts, a swirl of Anxiety, Loneliness and Hatred.

Hatred.

I explained this before, haven't I?

I look up at the sky, expecting to see a lone, shining moon paired with a midnight sky. I wanted to see the nature around me reflect my inner sadness. But, no! All I see, beyond these trees, are evergreen mountains, a shining sun just screaming happiness, and a bright blue sky. Why? Is the world against me? Could it be...

No, it couldn't be.

I look down at the hole in my chest, and I see not a single trace of my human heart. Instead, there's just a void, a hole, that's enclosing in on itself, all the while spewing musty blood. I squeeze the hole out of curiosity. Suddenly, blood splatters over my face.

"Lick the blood." A voice tells me, tempting me.

Is this the monster calling within me?

*******

Walking on my way back to Semarang (against Henrik's wishes), I see the little cottage of ours: in shackles. Once, a mere three weeks ago, there was grey stones covered in green moss. Once, there was a few oak trees beside it, with nests of baby robins' eggs squished between the branches. The freshly painted roof, was torn apart like a tornado had crashed over it. The cottage lay in the middle of the lot, with its roof shorn. The grey stones that structured our little home was covered in cement, and the lovely moss that grew from the stones are covered.

" Is this really what happened?" Tears are dripping from my eyes as I talk to the lone cottage, as if it could speak of what came of it.

Who would do such a thing?

Even though I haven't lived in that cottage for very long, it was the only place I could call a home...

And now, that it's gone, where else would I run to now?

" But, do mother and I even have a place to stay anymore? Maybe... We don't..." talking to myself helped ease the pain, even how temporary it is. It's like walls are caving in on me. The more that they enclose, tightening my every grip that I grasp my palms on the walls, the more that my pain echoes. It's like a trap. A trap that encloses the walls on either side of me to mesh in the middle of the room. But, no matter how much one may use their strength to push the walls back apart, they are more drawn to each other, such as north and south magnetic forces.

My crippling fear, my pain is choking me until I can no longer breathe.

And then, I hear a sudden " plop, plop," a sound of liquid that dribbled nearby me.

I look up at the bright sky and see not an ounce of rain dripping. The bright cerulean blue sky is more vibrant that ever, and the sun is smiling like always.Then where is that sound coming from?

"plop, plop, plipp-plop-plop," the sound dribbles at accelerated speed, as I try to see where this strange sound is coming from. However, all I find is a conversation that is going on behind the ramshackled cottage.

" Ah, I should've warned Amalia that this was to happen sooner or later." A voice whispers from afar. This voice has poise and elegance to it, etched with a sour tone in its manner of speaking.

" I know, I know. I tried to warn the dear woman before deciding to go to the United States. I knew that this was going to happen either way, the child is just too prone to a dhatin of Blight's DNA. Oh, poor Amalia, if only she had listened to me." This voice is snooty and feminine, as a look of pity streaks across her tone of voice.

The feminine voice says, " Father, do you think that everything is going to be alright with Amity?"

Amity? No... It couldn't be. Am I the cause to all this chaos going on?

No.

I don't think so.

" Oh, Violet, do you mean by the adopted daughter?" The poise voice responded.

" Yes, father. That is the girl I'm talking about. I believe that she's right over there."

Shit! Did they see where I'm hiding?

I glance back at the direction of the two voices on the other side of the wall, only to see nobody there.

Only to see the voices huddled behind me.

*******

The two dhatin of Vampires that appear before me, are none other than the strange man with the sunglasses, Count Darc; the vampire I met on the way to The Requiem. The teenage girl beside him, is his daughter, Violet Darc.

" What happened to the my mother's house?" I asked the Count, assuming that he'd know the answer to this.

" I think it would be best if we show Amity to her mother, right Violet?" Count Darc nodded to his daughter, and they both ushered me to follow them.

When we got to the place where Ms.Nugraha is staying temporarily (at least according to the Count), I see that the place that she is staying is an abandoned barn.

This barn has no windows, with slabs of wood nailed together to form each wall of the square living room. This barn looked like it used to have a roof, but now has part of one. The wallpaper is faded and wrinkly, and smelled of chemical paint stains. It looks like there is no flooring, but instead, slumps of mud on top of grass, with a few slabs of wood stuck here and there like the builder was in the middle of an unfinished flooring plan. Because there are no windows, and there aren't any doors, but vast space, or rather gaps in the wall, I enter through it.

The moment that I enter into the secluded barn, Count Darc and Violet Darc tell me that they will pick me up at seven o'clock sharp. They then tell me to bring the goat blood and mother's signed papers. However, I have no idea what the heck they even mean by all this.

Entering into the room, I see that there is a single wired bed frame stuck in the middle of the room.

Laying on a ragged mattress, Ms.Nugraha sat upright and gave me a weak, but kind smile. I see that her arms are sickly pale and have traces of the bulls eye on her wrists. Her eyes are discolored, and her hair is falling off. Is she a monster? Could this be my fault?

No. How could it be my faul-

" This isn't your fault, dear child." Ms.Nugraha says, as she starts to shrivel and disintegrate into ashes.

" Mother? What's happening to you!?"

But, it's no use. The more that I beg my voice to scream louder, all I can hear is the drowning of my sobs. I rush over to Ms.Nugraha's side, as she softly cries. Clinging to my shoulders, her sharp claws dig into my skin.

Slowly, I notice as Ms.Nugraha's body starts to shrivel, her teeth start chattering. Is it cold?

"Ms.Nugaha, do you need a blanket?"

And with every ounce of courage in her, mother looks at me, and brushes a cold, shriveled hand on my warm cheek and says, " I told you, didn't I? You are supposed to call me mother."

" Right. Mother," I tell her, with tears clogging up my throat. My voice is crackling, and I'm struck by such a bittersweet moment.

" Yes, that's my Amity. My sweet, and loving, Amity." She starts to say, and then continues,"But, Amity! Please remember! Even though our time is limited, want you to know that no matter what the world may tell you, you will always be my daughter. My dear, I want you to study hard, and get good grades. I want to make sure that your education is good enough. I know that now that you are a dhatin, you will be looked down upon. But promise me that you'll someday learn the correct war ethics." Mother starts to ramble, and cut the timing of her words in half, as she gives me one last teary eyed smile, and she melts.

Melting into goat blood.

The blood that Count Darc needed.

Is that all the world is capable of?

Has the only family I've ever known just disappear into goat blood?