500 years later

Sorry I haven't been writing a lot, but there really isn't much to say aside from "I recounted Wally's eyes, and found the previous 573 had increased to 574, either my boy is growing, or I'm just bad at maths." But I feel like today is different. Today I'm feeling special. Today I'm feeling like freedom baby!

"Wally! WAAAALEEEEE!" I shout, a ritual at this point to annoy my amigo. He opens a few of his eyes, clearly irritated at me interrupting his slumber. "I have a proposition." He instantly closes his tired little peepers, apparently a bit sick of me asking him the same question every day. "WAIT! WAIT! Hold on a minute there bucko. It's different this time." If he had eyebrows he'd raise them, clearly surprised by my creativity in the old chin wag department today.

"How about this, I've got a deal you can't refuse, and it's a win-win situation for you." I boomed in my best gambling advert impression. I had been planning this since never, and like always, letting my tongue do the work for me... that came out wrong, although it was especially true with the prostitute incident. "I'm listening." Came the glorious ostinato of my chums rumbling voice.

"OK, OK, good, so, if you free me from these chains, don't you dare go back to sleep young man. I can see those eyes closing... If you free me, we can fight, and, if you win, I don't get to talk for the next 100 years, or you can kill me, in which case, you won't hear from me ever. If I win, you let me free, and you don't have to hear from me ever again either." Once again, a great plan from Friday. My only fear was that I would be forced to be quiet for 100 years, a situation more painful than death for one with an extensive vocabulary like mine.

Hundreds of eyes bored into me, and I let them get the deluxe muscle pack on full display. Gotta keep your fans sweet. "I accept." HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK. I hadn't planned this far. I had expected him to go back to sleep and for me to just annoy him a bit. Despite my early boisterousness, I was now slightly baffled. I hadn't expected the Judge to give Wally this amount of power over me. It just wasn't like the controlling pisspot I knew, and even then, he would've assigned someone extremely important here to keep watch over one as powerful as I, even in as diminished a state as I was. I knew all of the higher ups in the Courtroom (necessary in my line of work), and I think I would be aware if a living wall had joined their little entourage. But above all else, I felt betrayed. Wally, my friend, could have let me go anytime, and he just decided against it, he hadn't even told me. My heart weeped, my soul cracked open, and, and... how would this guy even fight?

Would he just stare at me angrily until I apologised and went to my bedroom, maybe start creating mini flying eyes from his already existing eyes? I'd always suspected walls reproduced asexually, how else would a house be built but by the walls fucking themselves and making more walls.

And then I felt the chains loosening, their hold on my shape shifting now all but gone. Ahhhhh. It felt good to be back in business. Don't get me wrong, I love my baseline, arguably my favourite body, but I get a bit bored of wearing just one skin all the time, it just feels claustrophobic and tight. How you guys deal with it I have no idea, and in that regard, you have more strength than yours truly. I switched a few times between a few of the family favourites, and even tried a few of the new ones I'd been working on in the chains. I discarded the ones that didn't feel right, and stored some of the better ones in my memory. I must have had thousands of them in the warehouse now. To be honest, I could probably make a living off of giving criminals ideas for disguises, and probably even be the best prison breaker in the world, but, oh well. There are only so many prisons to have break out of anyway. I'm sure it would get boring pretty quick if all I had to do was turn into an ant every time.

"Hey. Wally. You still want to fight? You're not looking too good." All of his eyes were closed, and purple veins bulged out of glistening red flesh. For the first time since I had met him, I heard a noise from the untalkative chap. A grumbling yawn that reverberated through my bones. I returned to my baseline, a pretty well rounded body in terms of combat, and the average height made it easier to switch between the characters I would need for different attacks. "Why must you always insist on calling me by that childish moniker?" Called a voice from behind me, as I felt myself being lifted off the ground by long, bony fingers, their strength more than should be possible with that small amount of muscle. I was thrown forward, gasping for breath like a particularly strange fish, thrown on the rocks by a particularly ugly wave.

Sensing another hand reaching for my head this time, I swiftly turned into Camel, a cat of great courage and even greater rabies. Those two may or may not be linked. Not expecting the sudden size change, Wally fell forward, having an extremely angry cat underneath his feet, and no cats skull to put his weight on to steady himself. A grave mistake on his part, and, it has to be said, on mine too, as I finally got a clear look at my rather hideous opponent.

Practically skin and bones, he was, with flesh coloured many beautiful shades of bile and bubblegum pink. Clearly he hadn't spent enough time in the sun. Luckily, however, the monstrosity that was my friend was covered mostly in a dark robe, trimmed in a particularly stylish gold pattern of eyes and an assortment of berries. An odd mixture, but damn did it look good on him. Finally, his most eye-catching (heh) adornment was a golden sash covering 'The Lookers', and a hood over his head, seemingly the only part of his body that had survived the horrible experience of his birth 10 seconds previously, with wiry, straw coloured hair and a thin smile like a crescent moon, too wide to be real.

"You've gone full cult member on me haven't you my boy! Well I can't deny that my little man looks good in it can I now? But don't you want any shoes on in this hellhole? You might slip over and hurt your nose. I have a pair if you want any?" I told him, turning from Camel to Agret, an old woman with a hunchback and a particular love towards raspberry ice cream, and cackling like a mad woman to myself. Wally wobbled to his feet, a comical image it would be if it weren't for the fact that his hands were covered in blood. My blood.