Glance of his (06)

Dear myself,

Of all the things I encountered when it comes to life, being heartbroken was the worst aspect. I didn't know if I have a huge mistake from my past that I was reaping the consequences of my actions.

An expected conversation hit me. I just stay still where I was. I can't move my feet for me not to hear their chitchat. The one who hurt me was talking to someone.

"Are you free after work?" he asked. I suddenly became curious so I looked at what he's talking to, it was the girl who was with him the last time I saw him. I saw the girl nodded.

"So it was a date?" a question that made her cheeks into a crimson red.

It was a conversation that I shouldn't be heard but somehow some part of me wants to hear the whole details. Unexpectedly, I saw you. Seeing you again with the same lady made me feel nothing. I wasn't so sure if I can take it seeing you with another.

I know. I know. I'm just hurting myself.

It was final. Then someone taps my shoulder that made me shrieked but as in cue, he covered my mouth with his filthy right hand. "You're too loud. You don't want to get caught in the act, right?"

"Shut up."

"Don't be nosy, you will end up getting hurt," he said but I just rolled my eyes. He made turned his way then he glance at the guy I'm peeking at then stared at me intently. Did he notice that I'm listening to their conversation? Keen observer? Sucks!

"No, it's not!" I concluded as if I was right. I turned back and walked away but to my surprise, someone called my name coming from a familiar voice. I didn't bother myself looking at it, who cares?

All I thought I could escape to all the possibilities that we could talk to but I'm wrong. All I thought if one day he called me by my name, the effect on my nerves will be diminished but I'm mistaken. Why do things go with what I deserve? From my peripheral view, he's walking in my direction.

"Can we talked?" he said seriously. He smiled at me but I didn't smile back. I was not born to be plastic. I don't care if he noticed how butter I was because he deserve to know that I loathed him since that day. I can't accuse myself to feel this way, the feeling of being worthless still haunt me.

He's not just my friend, a childhood friend to be exact. He's very special to me. I can't help myself thinking about all our memories. I still remember the day vividly, the day I came to know the truth. He fights with me. The girl involved tell me nonsense words that I not. Calling me bitch and the uneducated girl is okay with me but calling me beyond the belt is something unacceptable. Calling me a whore or call girl made my system boil.

The worst thing was my board examination, the licensure examination for teachers was approaching. One week before the said date.

I was physically fit but mentally and emotionally drained. Mentally tortured because I was preparing myself for the big examination in my life and I knew he was fully aware. Emotionally drained because I didn't expect that since that day, everything has changed. Everything turned into ashes. Call me crazy, overacting or simple-minded, I don't even care. What I care about was everything.

"It's been a while," he added.

"Yeah," I answered. I heaved a deep sigh. After that, I stared at him intently. It's a good thing that the sparks I felt whenever I was near him staring at him intently were gone, I knew for sure that this feeling I felt is all about forgiveness and hatred. I can see with my own eyes that he was hesitating but still managed to talk to me.

He's rubbing his right arm against your pants. His hands were sweating because of the tension, for sure. He used to do that before.

I want to run. I want to escape. I want to vanish here in my spot. I don't want to talk to him nor show his face to me ever. But what is the use of running away and trust the process of healing if, in the first place, I didn't dig the whole truth? It won't solve the problem. It will become worst.

Maybe it's about time for me to enlighten you about the whole story. I hope so.

Then suddenly a word popped up in my mind, "Acceptance."

"Do you need something? Tell me." I bravely asked but deep inside, I'm drowning.

"Y-yes," he startled. There was an awkward atmosphere between us, I can feel it. There was a minute of silence.

"What is it?"

"About us. Can we talk? Can you spare me some of your time?" He said straight forward. So what about us? "If you don't mind, tomorrow since it was Saturday? I have a lot to tell you. "

"Why tomorrow?" I firmly said.

"I still need to go to the office with Rica and I guess you still have classes to attend." I didn't respond. "It would be okay?"

The lucky girl was named Rica? Now, he was your priority. Scratch that!

I keep myself calm. "Okay. Tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow." He gave me a quick smile then bid a goodbye.

Whatever would be the outcome and whatever his reasons, there is no turning back. I need to face it if I want to let go or made another decision. I need to accept it.

This is what I'm wishing for, right? This is what I needed, right? This made me at peace, right?

A glance of his. Yeah, right?

"Excuse me, ma'am here's your cheesecake." a senior student from STEM strand said as he gave me cheesecake when I'm done with all my classes.

"But I didn't order this cheesecake in the cafeteria or any store," I claimed.

"There is someone who ordered this for you, ma'am. He told me to give it to you," he defended. The giver was a guy? I have no idea who would be. Never mind.

"Tell that guy to thank you."

"Noted. I have to go." He smiled.

What's with that smile? I was about to ask another question but I chose not to. What bothered me the most is all about tomorrow about the detailed concept.

Anxious,

Ms A