Chapter 8 - Depression

*non proofread*

Ash POV

What is PTSD? I didn't know its meaning until I was diagnosed with a mild depression. I thought I will be the last person on earth to have been diagnosed with this defect... why? What is happening to me? Why I have those weird nightmares and headache?

Tiffany:"Ash?... Ash Bishop..." she slowly shakes me.

Ash:"What?" I look at her with a blanked face.

Tiffany:"You have zoned out. What are you thinking inside that brain of yours? You can tell me anything, you know right?" she smiled and looked straight to my eyes, trying to decipher what I am thinking.

Tiffany is the therapist currently handling my case. She has big green eyes, long brown hair, with the perfect body shape and tall but still shorter than me. She is 5 years older than me and she looks hot! She has mesmerized eyes as her but is not the same as hers. I zoned out again thinking about the blonde girl with emerald bluish eye.

Tiffany:"Ash..." she shakes me again.

Ash:"Ya YES?" I look at her again.

Tiffany:"If you keep zoning out when I am in conversation with you during the therapy, we might need longer hours to finish the course and you will need to take longer time before I can clear you back for work. You know that right?" she said and I give her a faked smile.

Ash:"Yes I understand and I am sorry because I got distracted by a pair of mesmerizing eyes in-front of me" I said while her cheek turned bit pinkish.

Tiffany:"Are you trying to hit on me?" she asked while I smirked at her, checking the time on my watch then stood up walking towards the door.

Ash:"Maybe yes, Maybe no... I let you know in our next appointment doc" I winked at her then I walked out of the room.

*buzz buzz*

Ash:"Hey... yes I have just finished my session for today and I am on my way to the subway...Okay see you in a short while and be careful." I ended the call, put my phone back into my pants and walked towards the subway.

Since is almost lunch time, everyone is waiting patiently for the train to arrive. I noticed someone is peaking at me every once in a while. He is wearing a black sweat pants and a black jumper. Wearing spectacles and carrying a backpack. I guess he is just one of those students waiting for the train. I got up the train when it arrives after the door open. I sat nearby the door so I can get off the train faster once it reach my destination. *beeep beeep beeep* suddenly an old lady trying to come into the train while the door is closing. I rushed over and grabbed her arm and pulled her in as fast I can and let her sit at my place. She looks shocked due to what just I did.

Ash:"I am sorry to startle you but is very dangerous to get into the train while the doors are closing mam. Hope you don't mind what I did just now because I don't want you to get hurt or fell off the train" I gave her an apologetic look. She then looked at me and gave me a genuine smile.

Old lady:"Thank you young lady. I am rushing to pick up my granddaughter that's why I got panic when the train's door is closing...luckily you are here else I don't think I can get in this train and reach on time or I might even get hurt just now." she explained while I smiled at her.

Ash:"You are most welcome mam but please don't try this again in near future. It is really very dangerous. Many things will happen without giving you advance notices. Just be careful next time, okay?" I informed her and she took my hand and said thank you.

Old lady:"Thank you and have a blessed day young lady" she said and I nodded then since I am going down the next station, I walked off the train and waved goodbye to the old lady.

I walked out the subway and head towards the cafe where I am supposed to meet up with the girls. Is a hot and sunny day in London. I am sweating like hell and when I stopped at a nearby bench to get a packet of tissue out from my backpack, I noticed the young school boy is behind seems like following me. When he saw me, he stopped at the side, pretended to take out his phone from his pants pocket and try to make a call/pick up a call. As a police officer, I do have certain instinct which tells me that this fella is following me from the time I boarded the train until now. Instead walking towards him and ask him why is he following me, I pretended nothing happened and continue walking until I reached a junction. Without noticing me, I quickly turned right then walked into an alley and hide near the building fire exit door. He quickly followed and runs into the alley and shocked to see I am nowhere to be found. Before he turned around and walked towards the main road, I quickly tackled him down and hold his hand to the back.

Ash:"Why are you following me? Who are you? What do you want from me?" I shouted at him.

Unknown boy:"I-I don't know what are you talking. I-I am j-just walking around towards the building and y-you come out of nowhere and attacks me. I should be asking you what you want" he stuttered while replying me.

I pulled him up and before I can take him to the nearest police station, someone came out of nowhere and knocked me down. I lied flat on the ground and fainted due to the impact.

*buzz buzz*

Ash:"Argh... yes?" I groaned and picked up the call while rubbing the back of my head.

Vivian:"ASH! where the are you? Jamie and I have been calling you for the pass 20 minutes. Are you okay?" she screamed while I tried to stand up and picked my backpack then continues to rub the back of my head.

Ash:"I will be there in 10 minutes. Wait for me and will tell you guys what happened" I ended the call and still feeling a bit dizzy due to the impact at my head. I licked my lips and felt the mercury taste then only realized the corner of my lips is bleeding. Should be due to the fall just now. I took out a piece of tissue and wipe it off and hope the girls won't notice it.

After 8 minutes of walking, I finally reached the cafe and pushed the door to enter. Both Vivian and Jamie are waving at me once they see me entering the cafe. I walked over slowly and trying to think something up to avoid them worrying about me.

Jamie:"Hey! She smacked me on the hand" OUCH! I whined. Vivian giggled.

Ash:"What is that for? I though you should kiss me instead because you missed me?? " I pretend hurt.

Jamie:"That is for making us worrying about you. You supposed to be here on time and we know that you are a punctual person but why are you late? Is there something happen which you should tell us?" she questioned.

Vivian noticed some blood stain on my shirt and I faster covered it my shirt with my jacket and signal the waiter over to take our order.

Ash:"I am hungry after walking so far plus wonder why the weather today is so hot" I fanned myself with my hand while trying to change the topic.

Waiter:"Yes. Anything for you pretty ladies?" he asked looking at both Vivian and Jamie. I smirked looking at them.

Vivian:"Can I have a club sandwich without tomatoes plus a strawberry milkshake. Thanks" then passed the menu back to the waiter then looked at me trying to analyse what I am trying to hide.

Jamie:"Can I have a double cheeseburger and an ice lemon tea with less ice. Thanks" then passed back the menu to the waiter and checked on her phone.

Ash:"Can I have a mushroom chicken chop with spaghetti, one blueberry cake and one vanilla milkshake. Thanks" then passed back the menu to the waiter. "What?.... I told you I am very hungry and I have plenty of time to enjoy my food since I am off for another two weeks before my therapist clear me back to field" I happily smiled at the girls.

Vivian:"So how's your progress now after four sessions or therapy? Are you feeling better now? Are you still having those nightmares and headache? please don't lie to us because you should know yourself, you are a bad liar" she said while giving me a smiled.

Ash:"Well, frankly speaking. I am feeling better after taking the prescription doc gave me and those nightmares seem to be lesser. I managed to get more sleeps at night compared previously but I hope this isn't a long term solution by taking medications." I let out a small disappointment sound and slumped against the chair.

Both the girls felt sad and looked at me while trying to reach for my hand.

Vivian:"We understand and we just hope that you can slowly open up again to us or anyone so you don't keep everything to yourself again and act stupidly...We don't wish to see that person again. We want the old Ash back" she took my hand and rubbed the back of it.

**Flashback**

I keep tossing and turning on the bed trying to get some sleeps but my headache is getting worst especially during the midnight. It has been happening for the past few days but today it got worsen. I tried to bang my head on the wall and tried to slap myself so that it can create more pain than the damn headache. Besides headache, I see some kind of flashback or images and sometimes people talking about something I can't really understand when I closed my eyes. There are images which I don't even know where and what was it. "Arrghh! WTF is happening to me? I screamed while keep banging my head against the wall until my head bruises and bleed. Sometimes I just use the blade to cut myself in-order to take away the stupid headache I am having.

*buzz buzz*

Ash:"What?!" I shouted while picking up the call without looking at the caller ID.

Vivian:"Wow, calm down baby girl. What's wrong and happening to you" she asked sound concerned.

Ash:"I-I don't know Viv. My head keep talking and can't fucking stop giving me pain. I-I can't stand i-it a-anymore Viv. I-I just want to end everything Viv. Please god helps me" I cried while still banging on my head against the wall.

Vivian:"Wait! What are you doing? Where are you? Me and Jamie is coming over now and please do anything stupid, okay?" Vivian said while taking her car keys and rushed into her car with Jamie running behind after locking their house.

Jamie:"What happened? Is she okay?" she asked and looks scared.

Vivian:"I am not sure Jamie. She sound very distress and rage...We need to reach there fast. I got some bad feeling something might happen" she said and drove the car faster.

My head is spinning and bleeding from those banging on the wall. Why me? I did nothing wrong in my life. Why torturing me with these stupid headache and pain. I can't take it anymore. I need to stop these now. I walked towards the bathroom and looked at the bathtub. I slowly turned the tab and filled it up with water. I then slowly step into the tub then slowly lay myself submerged inside the water. "Will I go to heaven by doing this, Danny?" I asked myself while the water is rising up and finally submerged me. My mind slowly gone blank and black out within seconds. My heartbeat is getting slower and slower. When I am going to really sleep, someone pulls me up from the water and carry me out from the tub and put me on the floor then giving me CPR.

Vivian:"Breathe baby please breathe...." she said while pumping on my heart and giving me CPR. "Come on Ash! You can't just die like this. You told me that your wished to die is with honor either serving your country or for the love of your life... You can't just do this to us" she cried while continue to pump my heart and do CPR.

Suddenly I started to breathe and vomit the excess water out.

Vivian:"Thank god!" she said happily then slowly rubbed my back then hugged me.

Jamie:"Damn Ash... Please don't do such stupid act again. Not every time we can reach on time and ram that door of yours" she said happily while hugging me.

Ash:*coughing coughing* "I am sorry girls. I don't know what to do to stop the stupid headache and things running in my head. Is worse than directly shoot or stab me with a knife" I cried while hugging both of them.

Jamie:"Damn Ash. Luckily you didn't fire yourself with your gun" she said while Vivian elbowed her on the arm.

Vivian:"Please don't give her more creativity or idea Jamie" she snorted.

Jamie:"Ops! Sorry my bad" she said trying to take off the tension around us.

Vivian:"Please don't do such stupid act again, okay Ash" she asked with a stern face. I nodded.

**End of flashback**

Jamie:"Yes...We want the happy go lucky Ash back" she gave me a hopeful smile

Ash:"Thanks girls. I really don't know what I did from my passed life and get to meet you two in this life. I don't think I deserved both of you" I looked down at my shoe.

Vivian:"Don't say that because you deserve anyone who walks into your life which is the same goes to us" she shushed me.

I hold both their hands and gave it a pecks and mouth "thank you" to both of them.

We continue chatting about work until Vivian and Jamie had to go back to the station. I waved them goodbye then walked towards the subway to take a train back my apartment. Once I am at the platform, I sit on the bench while waiting for the arrival of the train. I took out my phone to check on any new messages but disappointing to see non from the blonde and just 2 messages from Vivian and Jamie informed that they reached their office and asked me to be safe and take are. It has been 2 weeks I have been discharged from the hospital and Dr. Avery recommend me to see Dr. Tiffany for my mild depression due to PTSD. To me, I don't think is kind of PTSD nor depression but something is wrong on my body as I can felt my skin and muscle are aching and the feeling of fire burning inside.

Other people trying to contact and get hold of me after I got discharged but I don't dare to see any of them besides Vivian and Jamie because I don't want other people to see me at my lowest moment. I have gone through many things with the girls that are why I felt more comfortable with them. Although I have feelings for Christina but I don't dare to act or do anything because I am not at my best of myself and I am afraid that I will hurt her if I really have depression due to PTSD. She did message me asking how am I for the 1st few days after I got discharged but I just replied her coldly and short. Then slowly no more messages from the blonde since then. I knew she went oversea for some photo shoot and also filming because I did checked on her social media account. I am not stalking her but just missed and want to know how she is doing. Jonathan knew what happened roughly so I told him to take charge of the team until I am fully cleared and can back to work in another 2 weeks.

Once I reached the station nearby my apartment, I walked out from the train towards the subway exit. I slowly walked towards 7-11 and grabbed a few beers and chips, paid then walked out. When I reached my apartment compound, I waved hello to the security guy then walked into the building towards the elevator. Once it reached my floor, I walked out and towards my unit. I unlocked my unit door, walked in then closed and locked the door. I put my keys and phone on the dining table while I slumped onto the couch. I open a can of beer and started to drink while watching terminator on Netflix. I opened another beer once it finishes and another until I finished all the cans of beer. I felt bit of tiring and drunk so I just slept on the couch with the TV still on.

p/s: Please comment and vote if you like my story and sorry for all the spelling and grammar mistake .. :) xxx