She Wouldn't Have Accepted It

'She's probably starving again, and I just threw away food. What is wrong with me?'

Guilt was a new feeling to him. And it was crippling.

He put on his coat and gave a quick wave to Penelope before leaving the house. He walked into the driveway and realized that it was a little warmer than that night. But not nearly enough to put his mind at ease. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his coat pocket. He had started smoking on a regular basis again. It seemed to be the brand he had seen Anna smoke when she was at university.

'Pathetic. Like that somehow connects me with her.'

He tipped his head up and inhaled deeply. It had stopped snowing but none of it had melted. Spring was nowhere near by the looks of it. Ladislas wondered what Anna was doing at that moment. Did she think about him at all?

She must have. She had his magic running through his veins, there was no way she wouldn't have felt it still since the horrible morning two weeks ago.

Why had she gone? Anna offered him no explanation for her abrupt departure and she hadn't made any move to leave after they had made love that night.

'No. Not made love. Had sex. No, better yet: we fucked. That was all it was. Just two people having a good time in bed.'

But even as the words popped into his head, Ladislas knew that it wasn't true. It had meant something to him. And he was sure it had meant something to her, as well.

He could track her easily if he wanted, but he was reluctant.

Part of him held a grudge against her for leaving him while he slept. He felt like a willing law and she just needed a warm place to crash that night. Another part of him was scared of what he would see.

He still didn't know anything about her. The strange urge to hunt her down was there, but he felt like that was the last thing she needed in her life at that time.

He finished the cigarette and went back inside. Penelope was still having her dinner when he came in. Once again, her eyes showed concern when she took in his unkempt appearance.

Ladislas' hair was a mess, his clothes wrinkled and he looked like he hadn't slept properly in weeks. It had never been a problem before. He had not slept properly in a long time, but he never looked like this.

Some mornings he would wake up and turn, almost expecting Anna to be beside him only to realize that she wasn't there. The pinch in his heart happened all over again. Once he opened his eyes, she was gone.

"You should go out on a walk, Master," Penelope advised.

Ladislas didn't even bother to protest. He simply nodded.

"It's cold outside. Don't forget to take a warm jacket," she said with a smile before she stood up and placed her plate in the sink.

'Believe me, that is all I think about these days.'

He put on his scarf and gloves almost reluctantly. He felt bad being warm and cozy when Anna was cold somewhere out there. He knew he was being ridiculous. He couldn't freeze, but he felt cold. Feeling cold didn't get him any closer to seeing her and neither did smoking her brand of cigarettes or lying awake night after night in the same sheets they had slept on.

The first week after she had left, Ladislas had called in sick, claiming to have the flu. He waited for her to return and he didn't want her to face a closed door if by some miracle Anna decided to come back.

He knew he was grasping at straws. Anna was never coming back. He knew she never planned on seeing him again. And obviously, his week at home had been a waste because she never showed up.

Ladislas started walking in the direction of the downtown area as he always did these days. He had never paid attention to the homeless who he passed on the street. He would move along quickly. Not anymore, though. Now, he looked into the face of every last one of them, hoping that he might see her intelligent eyes staring back at him in recognition.

He visited shelters and asked around for her, but so far no one could help him. Because of the lack of space in shelters and the over-flowing number of people coming in and not finding space, no one had paid attention to the young woman who didn't speak.

He had seen entire families gathered around the sleeping cots, sharing sparse meals and it made him want to cry his eyes out. He had never noticed that there was so much suffering all around him. Everywhere he looked and yet, he couldn't stop searching for him.

No, he didn't pity those other humans. He just thought about Anna being in similar situations. He needed to see that she was alright. It was still snowing heavily the morning she had left and Ladislas worried that something might have happened to her.

He shuddered and walked a little faster. It was so cold outside. Anna had nothing to warm herself with. If he had known she was going to leave, he would have given her a sleeping bag and some money.

He snorted. 'The stubborn girl wouldn't have accepted it anyway.'

He was angry with her. But he also wished he could be truly angry with her. It would make it so much easier if he could write her off as a jerk. But all her actions spoke volumes against the notion.

The conversations and banter they had exchanged. The look in her eyes as she refused the second plate of food. They had spooned and he had fallen asleep in Anna's presence.

If she had been a jerk, she wouldn't have done those things.

So, Ladislas couldn't gate her and pretend like she didn't exist.