Chaos

To be honest, all this pain didnt begin with my ex and it's not all his fault. It all began with my mother and majority of the blame will lay with her until the day I take my last breath.

Well, that took a dark turn.

Anyways, where were we? Oh yes. Being an introvert, cancelling every event you are invited to, almost all calls are ignored because you'd rather be reading than talking to other people. Why? Because when fictional characters disappoint you, you get over it and are less scarred than when your own loved ones choose outsiders over you and break you down at every step. For years I lived with some rather dark thoughts and eventually I learned how to cope with them in the far corner of my brain, but working remotely has awakened them and they refuse to be laid to rest this time.

Let's make a list of all the people who have contributed to my deteriorating mental health and maybe we can go through them together.

Firstly we have my mother, told me for years that if she could without being caught she would poison me(I didn't eat from her for over a month each time she said this). My mother had me when she was nineteen years old and she never once let me forget that I wrecked her life, she would joke about it with strangers and people who are new to our social circle but I know different. I know that if she could she would have gone back in time and erased me from existence. There was a time when I would cry or breakdown while discussing this but I am beyond letting her know how much it bothers me. She was my strength despite all that she did to me over the years but lately she just seems so small to me, she has grown almost insignificant to me.

Secondly my ex, lets call him Andrew. Andrew started off nice enough and we lived in bliss for a few months in 2013 when our relationship just began. I soon found out that he was manipulative and despite that I stayed around. He emotionally abused me in the beginning and then he started verbally breaking me. The first time he hit me I was so shocked that I couldn't speak, I packed my bags and while I packed he told me that it was all my fault not his. The beatings gradually got worse until it became second nature to me, I always knew when he would hit me and just like clock work three weeks to the day he did it every month. He started telling me how disgusting I looked, how awful my body felt to his touch and how because I was the only one working I was not making him feel like a man.

Still with me? Thank you so much for sticking around.