Knotted.

I was the first one to get out of the car. I went over to her side and offered a hand.

"You've turned into a gentleman. I remember when you wouldn't even pick me up when I fell down." She complained while grabbing my hand.

"Well, not doing this and having you fall down would be a bigger pain than giving you a hand now."

"Still an asshole, I see."

We walked towards the lake hand in hand. This level of contact was inconsequential for us, who used each other's belly's as pillows back in the day.

It was kind of weird how even with this touch there

was some distance between us. It felt disorientating. We were not headed to the lake itself. That would be stupid for this heavy of a winter. Our destination was that tiny cafe that looked over the lake.

And soon enough, by navigating our way through the snowy gravel we arrived there.

The little jingle of the bells and the heat of the interiors. It was calm inside.

There was a large panoramic window that overlooked the frozen lake and the trees covered with snow.

"Please take a seat here." A waitress guided us right next to the window. The town was barely more modern now. "Do you have an order in mind?"

"I would like an iced coffee." Saeko said while sitting down.

"Iced coffee, at this time of the year?" Does being pregnant fry your brain cells?

"You wouldn't believe how warm my belly feels all the time."

"Oh... that makes sense." It didn't. "Then I'll have one of those too." I said.

"Eh?"

"My belly gets plenty warm too at this time of the year." I lied.

Yesterday's curry didn't sit right with me so my stomach was burning up. That was why today's cafe was perfect for lunch. I couldn't stomach anything savoury or anything with a semblance of heat.

Nodding, the waitress went back and soon enough there were two iced coffees set up on the table.

"So... are your parents fine with the kid?" I initiated the conversations. I had way too many questions and no answers.

"You really don't hold back do you?"

"I'm pretty sure you know what this date was for. You were practically begging to vent your sorrows onto me."

"Whatever you say- sleazebag." She tried to avoid the topic by sipping.

"Are they?"

"Ugh. They didn't mind at first. For the first month. I was 22 so to them getting pregnant now was better than getting pregnant in my teens."

"But?"

"They weren't all that happy with the guy who got me pregnant."

"Yuuji?"

"Yes, him. They were fine with him being my boyfriend but as soon as he became my baby's father they started finding faults in him."

"Come on. Can you blame them? You can't just raise a kid on goodwill." I retorted. Yuuji wasn't the most reliable man out there. In fact, he was the most unreliable man I had come across. She probably knew that.

"Okay... Sure neither of us went to college. But we did make self-sufficient income with him labouring and me working part-time in the store. But then he just had to up and die like that." She said a little scornfully. Her eyes were slightly glossier than before.

Saeko wasn't trying to make fun of him. Or disregard his death. I'm sure she grieved for months. But if she brought that mood here it would ruin her sanity more than it would mine.

"Why didn't you call me at the funeral?"

"We didn't hold that big of a funeral. Yuuji's family was... well. And mine wasn't all that fond of the man who turned me into a single mother."

"I see." We didn't speak all that loudly. This story would probably make every other person's meal bitter. Luckily there weren't many, to begin with. I could just spot an old lady or two from the corner of my eye. This conversation could go on. "Are you happy now?"

"Haha... I guess I am happy. Sure, times will definitely get hard from now but I do have something to look forward to." She glanced down.

Would I be the asshole for asking why she kept the kid? She wasn't married. Nor did she have some wild teenage history. She didn't even participate in unwholesome activities to earn money after finding out she was a single mother.

Saeko could have just aborted and lived a much more fulfilling life, gone to college, gotten a decent career. The only scar left on her life would be her dead boyfriend.

I didn't understand her.

The thing in her stomach didn't amount to anything more than some flesh. It couldn't even think yet.

"You're probably thinking about something stupid." She poked her finger on my forehead until my eyes met her's.

"Huh? Does it show?"

"Yep."

"So... Did you move on from him?"

"Moving on was harder than you'd expect. But our bond lasted only four years. If I waited for 5 more months I would have already spent a quarter of our time together in his absence." She looked out of the window. "And I'm trying really hard not to hate him, and blame this on him."

I joined her.

I used to think that love was the one thing that held on. My dad served as an example to how wrong that thought was but I really wanted to believe that love lasted.

I was wrong.

Love was fickle.

A few months after graduating high school and leaving Saeko's love that I held onto for 16 years, I moved on.

I moved on and fell for another girl with who I spent 2 years thereafter. Shared my firsts with. Travelled along with. Made countless memories with. Planned my future with.

But that was all there was to it. Love was fickle. There was a disagreement and we fell apart just as quickly as we got together.

I moved on again. Twice.

The only difference between Saeko's story and mine was that I planned for children only when I was capable of raising them. Which wasn't now. I didn't want a child to live in a house where the mother was absent due to work and the father was just absent.

With those memories in mind taking steps towards preventing unwanted pregnancy wasn't hard.

I do blame Saeko's situation on her and her partner completely but it had no feelings attached to it. Just surface level judgementalism.

"You're probably right in what you're thinking."

"Huh?"

"We- No... I did bring this upon myself. I knew that ever since I decided to skip college. I thought that we could find our happiness one way or another. Everything we did felt so right." Her weighty gaze was heavier now. She was one bit away from breaking down the wall between us.

I felt it coming.

"Looking back, I could see myself fucking up. Acting immature. Acting so selfish in front of my parents who did know better. Throwing my future away for a guy? You don't do that no matter how much you like someone." I decided to let her rant. That was what we were here for. To let her let it all out.

"Depending on someone completely. Basing your life around his. I only had one life. If I messed that up I wasn't going to get it back." She was sobbing but still keeping it in. "I just wanted everything to work out. BUT HE JUST HAD TO- Had to get drunk!"

I called the waiter and paid.

Lunch could wait.

We left the spectacular view that the cafe had painted for us. Grabbing her hand and covering her face with my coat we headed back out into winter.