chapter 28

"WHAT!!" Followed by dropped jaws, wide eyes and rigid positions.

 That was the reaction of my two best friends when I told them Hunter had kissed me, I can't blame them though, I was still having a hard time believing it happened. 

" he kissed you as in he put his mouth on your mouth.."  I rolled my eyes at Dylan's childishness.

"Dylan you need to stop doing that, we all know what kissing is," Sierra hit the back of his head, "but still Lia, how did it feel? I always knew this would happen," she shrieked in excitement. 

"I cant put it in words you guys, I felt like I was having an outer body experience, there are no words to describe the whole thing it was surreal," 

"Am so happy for you Lia, so what happened afterwards," Dylan prompted me for more gossip.

"Well that's when you guys called and I told him to drive me here," 

"You didn't acknowledge the kiss?" Sierra asked. 

After Hunter kissed me like he was trying to take the life out of me, I kind of froze I didn't know what to say, what not to say, I was scared I'd say the wrong thing and ruin the moment, in other words my anxiety was acting up, and just as he released me from his warm embrace my phone went off, Sierra had been calling, I used that as an opportunity to not talk about what had happened, I was scared of getting excited for something just for him to turn around and tell me it was an in the moment decision, rush and not well thought through. 

Which also brings me back to why am with these two lunatics, "so Ashton finally asked you out?" I asked, changing the topic and ignoring their question all at once, and to my surprise it worked. 

Dylan's eyes shone with elation to give me all the tea and Sierra hid a very obvious blush making me giggle. 

"Girl, I almost fainted when she told me, I am not even lying, I was going down the stairs and I had to grip the railings just so I wouldn't  fall to my death," Dylan's overtheatric self said and I laughed.

"Am even more curious about what made you accept," I asked and she kept quiet for a while, looking for the perfect words to explain her feelings.

"I got tired I guess, of hiding and running from him and what I feel, Ashton has been so clear about what he wanted since the day we met, and my insecurities kind of made me ignore that, I pushed and pushed but he stayed, and it's crazy but I think I love him," Dylan and I gasped. 

"Those are big words Sie, we're happy for you," Dylan patted her back lightly, she was bending over her knees, her face in her palms, she looked scared and somehow on a level I related. 

"It's just….. I've never felt like this before, am constantly worrying about being wrong, i don't want to end up like my mother," she cried, 

She had confined in us about her mother's relationship with her father, how here mother loved her father so much and it eventually caused her demise, the story is much more saddening but honestly not my story to tell, and when she said that I understood why she was scared, why she was worried, it made sense for her to be. 

"Sierra the bravest thing you'll probably ever do as a human being is allowing yourself to be loved, to be taken to great highs knowing that there's a possibility of falling and crushing on the ground below, That boy is crazy about you, and clearly you have feelings for him, don't let fear hold you back from soaring, everyone on earth has a different story to tell, with their own words, don't tie your whole existence on what happened to your mom, that was her story not yours, don't make your story a continuation of your mom's," I said and they were both quiet staring at me, Sierra's hands suddenly flung up and wound around my neck. 

"Thank you," she whispered and Dylan gave me a thumbs up accompanied by a very cheesy smile. 

"Alright, away with the tears guys, we have  a date to prepare for, chop chop ladies," Dylan sassed and we giggled. 

After spending about an hour just to find the perfect dress, and two more doing hair and make up we were finally done, Sierra looked like a fucking goddess.

Her bouncy blonde locs were up in a messy bun with only two strands falling out on either side of her face showcasing her long neck, Dylan had kept her make up simple and natural looking, her pretty plum lips were coated with a delicious clear gloss, Diamond studs on her ears, her dress was a silk scarlet knee length Dior creation with a daring side slit and a halter strap neckline showing off just the right amount of cleavage, her feet were clad in a dainty pair of Serenity crystal heels. 

I've seen beautiful women in my life but my best friend was nothing short of Angelic, both Dylan and I were dumbfounded when we saw our full creation,

"It's official, I am a God," Dylan said and we laughed. 

"This time I am going to agree with Dylan, the man is skilled and you, Sierra, oh My God, Ashton might just as well eat you up whole tonight because you are banging," I compliment and she smiled at us shyly.

Moments later there was a knock on her door, Dylan and I rushed down stairs wanting to make her entrance as dramatic as possible. 

"First of all, we've got rules," Dylan stated as soon as we opened the door revealing a well dressed Ashton, seriously where the hell is he taking her for them to be dressed this extra. 

"Am listening," Ashton played along with us 

"We want her home by midnight," Dylan started. 

"If you hurt her I'll break your legs and feed them to you every day until there's not even a single bone left," I added.

"No making her cry, I worked hard on her makeup, you will not ruin it," Dylan said

"There's other ways of ruining her makeup that don't involve me making her cry," Ashton smirked and we gasped, did he just make a sexual innuendo about our bestie, his bold I'll give him that

Dylan and I looked at each other, "no funny business," we said at the same time. But Ashton wasn't looking at us anymore, his eyes were glued on a figure descending the stairs behind us, I bet everything I do by brandy was going off in his head, the boy looked like he was lost in a completely other galaxy, like the rest of us didn't exist, it was beautiful to watch. 

Sierra stood at the base of the staircase,  blushing and Ashton finally smiled and reached out for her, 

He whispered something in her ear and she blushed a deep shade of red, that was our cue to leave them alone. 

"Ight you guys, we are gone, have fun,be safe," Dylan yelled as we rushed out the door, leaving them to each other. 

"So where to?," Dylan asked as we sat in his car. 

"Just drop me off at mines, I'm exhausted," he stared at me for a short minute then asked," Lia, are you avoiding Hunter?" I was taken aback by his question. Was I avoiding Hunter?

"Dylan that would be impossible considering, I have practice with him tomorrow, am just tired honestly," I lied, the truth is I was postponing talking about the kiss because upto now I didn't know what to say, am scared that I might want something that he won't be able to give me, am scared that what he might be willing to give me might never be enough and I might pour all I got into him. I was scared and it was pitiful because I gave amazing advice that I never seemed to know how to use. 

The next day I picked JJ up from his sleep over, we hang out all afternoon talking about what we were going to do for thanksgiving break, considering we were home alone, my anxiety wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, I was feeling a little under the weather but I didn't want to worry JJ so I didn't say anything

A few minutes before Hunter came though it finally happened, my anxiety shot up, the voices in my head were not just intrusive thoughts anymore, they were angry almost violent, my head hurt the noise in my head was too much, I took a pill from my medicine bottle and swallowed it wiping the sweat off my forehead, I was okay, am okay I told myself as I started to calm down. 

Practice was the worst, the routine was great and all, Hunter and I were improving significantly,that was not the problem. The problem was Hunter seemed to be avoiding me, he barely kept eye contact with me for a few seconds, he avoided touching me and when he did it was fast as though to get it over with, JJ didn't notice, but I did, because I remembered how his hands lingered on my body a little longer than necessary, how he watched, how he wanted me specifically teach him when he was lost which was most of the time, it was all gone, he wasn't even  smiling. 

He regretted the kiss. A voice in my head whispered. 

I shook my head not wanting to go there right now. 

He didn't want you

You were available 

You're always available Lia, it's pathetic.  

My eyes were welling up and I couldn't have been happier when JJ decided to cut practice short because he had an assignment due. I rushed to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water. 

Did you actually think he likes you?

Oh Lia  how sad, who would want you, look at yourself you're broken, why do you keep raising your Hopes, do you enjoy being hurt. 

No stop, stop, I don't want to do this now, I was pacing the kitchen, a little sweat running down the side of my face. 

Oh but you do enjoy being hurt Lia, that's why your daddy died, you let your ego cloud you judgement, you didn't call mommy dearest, because of a stupid vow you made not to reach out to her ever in your life, and just like that you killed him. 

No, fuck, stop, I got a glass and started to fill it with water. 

No one wants a murderer Lia, and that's all you are, a fucking murderer, you should just kill yourself, why the hell would Hunter want a monster like you, why would anyone want you, 

I shook my head raising my glass to my mouth, then the pounding began, my head hurt so bad from all the inward screaming. 

Murderer  murderer murderer 

The word ran through my head like a fucking chant until I couldn't take it anymore,  someone called my name and out of shock or something else entirely, I dropped the glass. 

"Jesus Christ, Are you okay Lia?" Hunter was at my side questioning me, analysing me, and I felt scared that in this moment he would see more than he needed to see. 

I pulled my hand out of his and numbered an am fine, but satisfied with my answer he pressed on and tried to reach for my hand again. Something in me just snapped like a fucking light switch went off.

"Fuck Hunter, dont fucking touch me, I dont want you fucking touching me," he looked surprised by my sudden outburst and so was I, i didn't know where that had come from but wherever that was there was more, because I was so angry, so mad at him for not wanting me, mad at myself for not being what he desired, mad at the world for not being kind to me and mad at God for taking my dad away. 

"Am sorry, I didn't know you felt like that," he reclined, voice calm yet there was an emotion behind there, I just couldn't place it but there was something in the way he said those words that broke me.

"You should leave," I suggested and he nodded while walking out of my house and  I waited for the door to slam shut before I sank down and wallowed in my own self pity. Why was this happening to me?

I cried and cried and hoped that JJ wouldn't come down and find me a mess. I cleaned up the mess I made and left the housekeeper who had gone out to buy groceries to cook JJ dinner. I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to do anything, I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, a painless death, I think I deserve one after all the pain I have had to endure.