chapter 15 shoulders

What did I do wrong?"

This was the question that Bella had asked herself again and again that night. She tossed and turned in her bed, trying to look at the situation from many different views. She shouldn't have moved. She should have called her more often. Maybe she was too easy going? Maybe she was too demanding? She didn't think she'd been a bother. But why else would this happen? Bella gripped her pillow close to her chest, staring out the window. It was late. Charlie was probably forcing himself to stay awake on the couch. Bella guessed that because he couldn't exactly do much at the moment, he found that staying up late was a way of defiance. In any case, she could hear the muffled sounds of a late night movie fading up to her room. She focused on that. From the sounds of it, the movie was old, and Bella recognized some of the lines. It was Casablanca, she recognized. She laid on her back and looked to her phone. Just three hours ago she had been so happy. She passed her math test, she and Edythe were getting along better, and the nomads seemed as though they'd be leaving pretty soon. Why? Why did this have to happen when she was so pleased with her day? She shut her eyes and let her mind wander to just three hours previous. It was only about eight or so, and Bella was getting ready to call Carrie, now that her homework was finished. But before she could hit send, her name popped on the screen. She blinked. It was her night to call, so why was she doing it instead? But she answered happily, laying against the bed.

"Hi," she said brightly, hugging her sheets. "I was just about to call you. I had a great day today. I'm passing all my classes. Weird, huh? But anyway, I've been missing you a bit lately. So I was thinking that this summer – "

"I think we should break up."

Bella stopped, mid sentience. She wasn't quite sure if she had heard that right. She sat up, staring at the floor for a moment. "What...?" She shook her head. No, there was no way. Maybe the reception was bad. "I'm sorry, Carrie, what was that? I... I think I heard it wrong."

A long sigh came from the other end. "I think we should break up," she repeated. "Look, Bella... You're a great girl. I just can't do the whole... long distance romance thing anymore."

Bella could feel her heart slowly sink within her chest, a pain replacing it. She didn't know what to say. She gaped stupidly, like a fish out of water. She was only thankful that she couldn't see her shocked and embarrassed face. "But... but before I left, you said – "

"I thought I could handle it," she continued. "But it's been almost three months. I just... I can't. I'm sorry."

Bella shook her head. "Was it... something I said? Or did?" Her voice began to grow panicky. "I-I mean... I mean if it's something I said, I take it back. I'm really sorry if I ever – "

"No, Bella." There was a silence. "No, it's nothing you did." She paused once more. "It was... more of what I did."

Her pained heart began to thud faster. "What? What did you do...?" She could almost hear the tense thoughts that ran through her mind.

"Well..." she began slowly. "You haven't been here... so I've been kinda down because I miss you... So... I went to a party that Maria threw to try and, you know, get my mind off things?" She stopped, as if waiting for her to say something. She remained quiet, so she continued. "Anyway... I started... well, Maria was able to smuggle some booze from her dad, so I started drinking. Maria and I... we started to talk about... things."

"What kind of things?" asked Bella, her voice now a little more angry.

"... About... God, Bella, you don't know how hard it is to say this."

"Say it," Bella snapped. "What exactly did you two talk about?" Her blood began to boil. She knew that whatever it was, it wasn't something Carrie would be proud of. She could only guess as to why.

"Fine... We just talked about... you know, regular stuff? And then..."

"And then?" Bella asked pointedly.

"And then... Well then she invited me into... into her room."

Bella froze, unaware of how tightly she was holding the phone. She was clinging onto one shred of hope that she wasn't about to say. She hoped to God that she was going to say that she vomited or that she passed out or that the cops were called. Anything other then what she feared might come out of her mouth.

"Carrie... you didn't..." She gripped the front of her shirt, her face paling. Her voice lowered to a whisper. "Did you have sex with her?" Carrie didn't answer. Bella's fears became greater. "Did you!?" she practically yelled into the phone. "Carrie, answer me!? Did you do it with her?! Did you!?"

"Yes, ok?! Yes! I did it! I'm sorry, I was drunk!"

Bella was glad she wasn't standing up. If she had been, she was sure she would have fallen. Her girlfriend... and her best friend. She gripped the side of her bed, phone shaking in her hand. She didn't know what to say or do. Carrie was her first serious relationship. She wasn't prepared for something like this. Perhaps this was her own stupidity coming back to haunt her. She should have known that things might not have been so easy after she moved. She knew things would be hard, but to think that Carrie would go so far as to... do something like this... When they became serious, she was so sure that she'd stay loyal to her. She didn't give one thought to the appending consequences of having blind faith in someone.

"Are you still there...?" Still, Bella didn't speak. She was at a loss for words at this point. "Bells..." Her pet name for her stung harder then anything else she said. "I screwed up, ok? But... but it's not entirely my fault. I mean... you didn't have to move, but you did. You know how lonely I was when you left? It was going to happen sooner or later, you know."

Bella closed her eyes. She refused to show tears, even on the phone. "Carrie... you said... Before I left, you told me..." Her voice wavered. "You told me that you loved me..."Another long silence.

"Well... I guess I don't love you as much as I thought."

That was it. With a disgusted noise, Bella hung up and threw the phone across the room. She was so furious. With Carrie, with herself... She gripped her sheets until her knuckles became white. So many thoughts were going through her head. She was so angry... She snapped her head up as her phone vibrated. Walking over, she took out the batterie and put the two pieces on her dresser. She then fell to her bed and laid there silently for the next three hours. When she could no longer stand the solitude of her room, she slipped out and migrated to where her father sat, which Casablanca, as was predicted. Charlie looked over to her, his bandaged leg propped up on the table. He smiled.

"Hey, Bella. Shouldn't you be in bed? It's a little late." Bella shuffled closer to the couch, and his smile fell, noticing her wrecked state. "Bella...? What is it? Something wrong?" She stopped, just inches away from the couch. She stared at the ground.

"Daddy...? Do you think... do you think I can stay out here with you for a while?"

He looked at her, worried and confused, but he nodded. "Sure..." He took his crutches and put them to the side, patting the cushion beside him. Bella sat down and cuddled close to her father, laying her head on his shoulder. He stroked her hair fondly, sighing against her. "Bella, what is it? Did something happen?"

Bella directed her eyes to the black and white film on the television. The stern faced Rick was giving the meek and timid Ilsa a talking to, asking why she did what she did. Why did she leave him for another man? Did their time in Paris mean nothing? And now she begged him for help for her husband. Bella scolded Ilsa in her mind. How dare she take advantage of Rick's kindness? How dare she even show her face to him after betraying his trust? And poor Rick... Still in love with this deceiving snake of a woman. She claimed to love him too, but Bella didn't believe that for a second. When they kissed after their argument, Bella wanted to throw something at the TV.

"Bella?" her father's voice insisted. "You know you can tell me anything..."

Bella shifted and then laid down so that her head was now on Charlie's thigh. She didn't feel like talking right now. "I'm ok, Dad," she said softly. "I just... I just want to be out here for a little bit." Thankfully, Charlie understood, and didn't press the matter further. He pet her head and the two watched the rest of the movie. Bella could have cussed out the TV near the end. Rick was such an idiot... Helping Ilsa after she broke his heart for another man. Even after all that, Rick let the two of them escape Casablanca, leaving himself behind. Rick was such a moron. Ilsa didn't deserve such consideration...

She would have stayed up all night if she could, but Charlie shooed her off to bed once the movie was over. So, she trudged up to bed that night, changing and crawling beneath her sheets, though they gave her no comfort. She didn't sleep that night. Instead, she watched as the sun slowly crawled up behind the tree tops. She didn't want to go to school. She wanted to lay in her bed, just staring at her window or at the wall. But in order to do that, she would have to have a good excuse. And she didn't want to reveal the conversation that she and Carrie had that night. So, begrudgingly, she got up at the sound of her alarm and got dressed. She dressed slower then usual, taking her time with her clothes. The longer she could hide from the world, the better. She wasn't hungry, so instead, she just went outside. Edythe was waiting for her as always. Bella walked straight for the truck without wishing her good morning. Immediately, she sensed something was up. She asked before she even started up the car.

"What's wrong?" she inquired.

"Nothing."

"Liar."

"So?"

"Are you hurt?"

"No."

"Did someone do something?"

"No."

Edythe frowned and crossed her arms. "Bella, what is it? You look terrible. Did you get any sleep last night?" She turned on the truck and let it warm for a moment.

"Please Edythe," she pleaded softly. "Just... leave it alone ok?" She looked at her weakly. Her face portrayed one of worry, but she didn't say anything more. They drove quietly to school, Bella refusing to look at her. When they got to school, they silently made their way to Biology. That period went by fairly quickly, but Bella's relief that the day might go fast was tarnished when she went to math. Jessica fired off a series of questions, all of which Bella was not prepared for nor was she going to answer.

"You can't keep quiet forever," she snapped, folding her arms. "Does it have something to do with Creepo?"

"Jessica, just stop it." Bella sat up right, scribbling notes. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Why? Did she kiss you?" She gasped. "Oooh! You two are in some kind of secret relationship, aren't you?!"

"No, Jessica. Now just – "

"Wait... did she force herself on you?"

"No!" said Bella, appalled that she would even come to such a conclusion.

"Good... the girl looks like she has at least two STDs."

That just pissed her off. "You don't know shit!" she hissed below her breath. Her bottled up anger was finding a way of being released. It seemed that the blissfully naïve Jessica had been chosen as its target. "Quit thinking every thing's because of her! She's nicer then you know! This isn't even about Edythe!"

At first, Jessica was shocked that Bella swore at her. But she twisted her face into an angry looking scowl when she was finished. "Oh, forgive me for not giving a psychopathic killer a chance. I really should get to know her better!"

"Will you shut up?!" Their voices were louder now, and people were starting to stare. Bella didn't care in the slightest. "I am so sick of you acting like you know everything!"

"I know more then you do!" Jessica retorted.

Bella let out a particularly loud snort. "Oh yeah!" she laughed menacingly. "Yeah you really know more then I do!"

"Shut up!" Jessica's face was turning red from embarrassment.

"You listen to me, Jess," Bella seethed. "You don't know jack, got it? So quit acting like you do!"

"You're one to talk, Arizona girl!" Jessica spat back. "Why don't you go back to your damn dessert!? No one wants you here, anyway!"

That was it. Bella stood quickly to her feet, causing Jessica to fall off of her chair from being startled. Bella yelled at the top of her lungs: "You don't know ANYTHING you dumb bitch!"

The entire room went silent. Even the teacher was staring at Bella in disbelief. Finally, she recollected herself enough to turn a furious face to her student. "Bella!" she snapped. "To the Dean's office this instant!"

Bella didn't need to be told twice. Swiping up her things, Bella stormed out, closing the door to the classroom particularly loud while she fumed her way down the hallway. Perhaps that was a bit harsh. Even so, hearing Jessica say that no one wanted her hurt. Badly.

Well I guess I don't love you as much as I thought...

Bella walked into the Dean's office, noticing that he seemed to be also very disappointed in her for her outburst. She was too furious to even respond. She barely registered it when she was told that she was to go home. Her father had been called and he'd be expecting her. When she got home, Charlie gave her a twenty minute lecture on how he expected better from her then something like that. Bella didn't care. She stood there, immobile as he spoke. When he was finished, she turned and moved into her room, locking the door behind her. She noticed the framed picture on her desk. She walked over and picked it up. It was she and Carrie, the two of them holding each other and smiling. She wanted to go back to that... back where things were simple. No vampires, no shifters... Just she and Carrie... Her hand gripped the frame when she remembered what she told her the night before. She didn't love her as much as she thought she did. Well then that made her the fool in this story, didn't it? She slept with her best friend... She was twice as stupid with that fact thrown in. Her anger began to reach a boiling point, simmering and broiling beneath her skin.

She hated Carrie. She hated her with all her might. She hated the way she laughed – how happy her smile used to be. She hated how she'd smell of strawberry's and cinnamon, she hated how she had a birth mark on her left thigh. She hated how cute she'd be when she'd try to be romantic. She hated how she'd come by when she was sick and bring a little teddy bear for her. She hated how she let her sit on her lap whenever they went anywhere. She hated how she'd call her pet names and kiss her neck. She hated how she promised that they'd be true to each other even though they were thousands of miles away. She hated everything about her.

She threw the picture as hard as she could on the wall.

It cracked the glass and fell to the ground, laying face down. Surprisingly, it felt good. She ran forward and stomped on it. She became more and more aggressive, slamming her heal down on it over and over again. She then picked it up and yanked it from the broken frame. She ripped it to shreds and threw it to the ground. She went to her bed and picked up the small stuffed animal that she'd given her when she was sick. She tugged at it until the head came off, taking scissors to the rest of its body. Soon, a snow of white fluff sat at her feet. She kicked the toy to the side and fell to her bed. She screamed into her pillow, gripping it tight. Slowly but surely, her grip loosened. She felt exhausted. The entire night of no sleep began to weigh on her, and she passed out, laying on the bed.

Her sleep was dreamless, much to her relief. When she awoke, her eyes directed to her clock. It was about five in the afternoon. She rolled on her back and looked at the mess she made on her floor. She made no effort to clean it up. She liked looking at it. It was like a strange piece of art.

Tap, tap, tap.

Bella shot up and looked off to the side. Edythe was once more at her window, a frown on her features. She looked at her and then looked away. She wanted to be left alone. She heard her faint plea to be let in and she sighed. Walking over to the window, she opened it. "You can come in." She slipped into the room and she sat on the bed, hands covering her face. The springs beside her depressed, Bella realizing that she sat beside her. There was a pause between the two. Slowly, an arm encompassed her shoulders. She didn't ask her to say anything. Because of this, she began to talk. She told her everything. She told her about how she and Carrie promised to stay true, how they planned to visit each other during brakes and during summer... And then she told her about everything that she had said to her that night. Still, she did not cry.

Edythe sat there, stoic and staring at the floor. She looked up to her as her eyes were connected to the floorboards. "So... she was really important to you. You really... did love her, right?"

Bella looked to her shoes. "I thought I did." Now that all of her aggression was out, she began to regret how she acted that day. Her old sense was coming back to her. She smiled weakly, as if attempting to make light of the situation. "But... I guess I should have seen it coming. girlfriend cheating on you with your best friend. I'm stuck in a cliché I guess." She looked up to Edythe, but she wasn't smiling. She turned her own eyes back to hers.

"Bella...?" She felt her insides tremor as she prepared a question. "Did you loose your virginity to her?"

Bella's mouth began to gape at her, her eyes widening. How? How could she have known? Then again, it might have been obvious. She turned her eyes to her knees, and finally, tears misted her gaze. She shut her eyes tightly, but there was no use trying to stop them. She nodded, body trembling. She put her hand to her mouth, a couple sharp breaths shooting into her lungs. "Y-yes..." she stuttered, hot tears falling from her face. "I did..." She began to sob, trembling within her grasp. She held her close and she cried on her chest, clinging to her like a lost child. She didn't know how long she cried. She just sat there, bawling her eyes out. "S-she said... She said th-that we wouldn't b-be... Be seeing each other for a long t-time...!" She sobbed even harder, wailing with her mouth open. It felt good to cry. Just as it felt good to throw the picture. But it didn't last too long. Soon, she developed a head ache, and her eyes ran dry. Now that her face and eyes were both red and streaked with salt, she reverted to just sniffling, cuddled up against her. Her skin was cold, her grip on her comforting and safe. She felt secure, sitting within her arms. And it wasn't long until she stopped crying all together, simply existing within her hold. Finally, she sat up and apologized for being a burden. She felt a cold finger wipe away her tear. She looked up weakly.

"Don't be sorry," she said sincerely.

She looked at her for a moment and nodded. She took her into another embrace. They held one another for a long time, watching as the gray, clouded sky turned black. Bella's stomach growled painfully. It was only then that she realized she hadn't eaten all day. "I'm hungry," she said suddenly. As if on cue, a knock came to her door. Bella was about to tell Edythe to hide, when in a flash of wind, she ran into her bathroom, shutting the door silently behind her. She sighed and walked over to her door, opening it. Charlie stood there, a plate of Chinese food in his hands as he leaned on one crutch. They've been eating a lot of it lately. Probably because they delivered.

"I figured you'd want something to eat," he said kindly. She took the plate and thanked him, setting it on the dresser. Charlie noticed the litter of destroyed objects. "Bella, I'm worried about you..." She stared at the food a bit more and then walked back to her father. She hugged him around his neck lovingly.

"I'm ok," she said softly. "Thank you Daddy. I love you." He hugged her as best he could while still balancing himself on a crutch. After a small father-daughter moment, he left her room, and she shut the door. Turning around, Edythe was back on the bed, waiting for her. She went to her food and began to eat. She didn't know just how hungry she was until she started eating. And she was in such a rush to put food in her mouth that she didn't even care that she was using a fork. Edythe waited patiently until she was done.

"Are you going to be alright?" she asked as she put her plate back to her dresser. She looked at her lap.

"I don't know," she said honestly. That day, she wanted so badly to just be alone. Now, she almost feared it. She cast her eyes up to her, timidly. "Can you... can you stay with me tonight? Please?" She agreed without so much as a complaint. After she changed in the bathroom, she came back out and laid down. She sat on her floor, back pressed up to the side of the mattress. Mindlessly, her hand went forward and she began to run her fingers through her hair. It was surprisingly soft. She didn't tell her to stop, so she never did. "Edythe?"

"Hm?" she said without looking up.

She shifted. "You can... lay with me if you want." Or rather, she wanted her to lay with her. She was afraid that if she was on her floor, she'd be gone before the sun rose. Again, she agreed and laid stiffly on her side, facing her. They looked at each other for a bit, Bella's aching heart starting to ease. She closed her eyes slowly, the vision of Edythe's face lingering for just a bit longer.

Sleep once more claimed her as her victim.