The Sweet Taste of Madness

I don't want this... I don't. I don’t really like this feeling and I don't wish to do so.

I can't deal with these emotions which make me feel immensely inadequate.

Each time words fly out of his lips, I feel like a cloth of silk is sliding down my ear.

Each and everything that you possess is mesmerizing.

I get lost in an empty, dark, and endless void each time that I look right in those deep dark eyes.

That day when I confessed of what my heart had felt at the mere thought of you, I had a sight of those tears that dripped down your eyes... Why did it make my heart shatter into tiny pieces? Every time that you're not near me, it feels as if the smell of heavy rain has slid down my nose.

My heart is aching for your love. My heart pounces inside my chest every time that I have a sight of your beauty.

You are everything I have ever wanted.

I accepted you, I love you and you also love me back…right...? Though when every time I look at you and think of how much I truly love you--I feel like guilt is weighing me down.

I ruined everything that was finally starting to build between us just because of this stupid heart and then I remember that you tortured me--you ruined me. I still remember those nights--I still remember everything you did to me, yet I don't know why I forget it every time I have a sight of you.

It had been a month after I had confessed. He had distanced his self from me-- it was like he was guilty. I wanted more of him every time I saw him.

He killed and abused thousands of people yet my heart still beats for him and him only.

Why am I like this?

I never received love and attention and now that I was finally getting it, even if it was nothing for him--it was everything for me.

Every time that I look at him, I feel the butterflies inside of my stomach going crazy. My heart flutters at his touch.

"What is wrong with you?! this is not what you are meant to do. Why can't you just stay loyal?!", a voice buried deep inside my head reminded me.

After that, he had distanced himself from me. He had shifted me into a different room in which I isolated from my thoughts and my thoughts only. I don't know why I am like this. Don't get me wrong--but the room was astonishingly beautiful. Its walls were painted off-white as the maroon curtain flew with the wind beside the window. The bed was made up of dark brown wood as the off-white bedsheet hugged the mattress tightly. There was also a balcony and oh my, it was so beautiful.

Everything about this room was beautiful yet everything about the person who lived in it was simply just ugly.

I truly loved Aiden with all my heart--Hearing the knocking door as Aiden came inside--Ah, speak of the devil

I saw him shifting his weight on the side of the door while crossing his arms.

"So, how have you been in this last month?"

Hearing this, I rolled my eyes which caught him off-guard.

"Ah, my life is at its peak, everything is just so perfect. I love a man who kills for money and someone who has distanced himself from me ever since I confessed my love towards him and wanted him, and! I have diagnosed myself with Stockholm syndrome--Life just couldn't be more perfect."

Hearing each word of mine drip with poisonous sarcasm, he just smirked.

"So basically, this guy dared to smirk after ruining your life?!", she asked, quite baffled. "Precisely, yes.", I confirmed.

"Hmm... what if I say I love you?"

Hearing this my eyes widened like never before--I did not expect this.

He was happy to see my reaction as he genuinely…Smiled...?

At this point, do I even care? him loving me is unexpected, and everything that he does now is unexpected.

And then--I remembered everything that he did to me.

I chuckled in denial as I felt the harsh rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins.

“You love me after you ruined my life? Tortured me mentally and physically? Made me fall in love with you while you just pushed yourself away from me--then you say you love me?!”

He was quite shocked after my sudden outburst. Wiping my tear-stained cheeks, I went towards the bed out of anxiety. My feet started to tap the ground and my hands started to pat my thighs.

“I have been dying out of curiosity that--why?... why was it me...?” the level of my voice dimmed down as those words flew out of my lips.

I didn’t want to hurt him but I also had a heart, soul, and mind that was truly scarred and needed explanation.

I saw him urging to say something as he gripped the hem of his shirt and said, “You don’t understand Avyanna--I-I had a reason--”

“What reason?! Just because of your one reason, you destroyed and ruined innocent souls which had nothing to do with you--JUST WHY?!”

I stood up and marched my way towards the stand which had water placed on it to calm my nerves. Beads of sweat lined up on his forehead as he came towards me.

“STAY AWAY!” he jerked in fear because of my ear-piercing scream.

I gulped down the water as quickly as I could.

“I didn’t have a proper life back before you but at least I was my own person. My life isn’t even mine anymore. I-I mean I can’t even run away from you because you bloody spiders keep webbing your way towards me. What is it with me that makes you be so attracted towards me huh?!”

I started walking back and forth at a higher pace as each second passed.

“am I beautiful? NO! is my personality attractive? No. Is anything about me enough to make someone fall in love with me? NO! THEN WHY AIDEN?!”

I said as every time I asked a question to myself, I put down one finger.

He stood up and came towards me.

“From the first time I saw you, I felt this weird obsession making its way towards me--”

“I was a desire that you destroyed, a toy that you broke. Why can’t you just kill me or leave me alone...?”

Hearing this his intense gaze softened and now his eyes looked teary and just a second later he started to sob and wet my shirt with his tears as he had pulled me in his embrace.

If he wasn’t a mafia boss and/or leader that had tortured me mentally and physically just like he had done with numerous others like me, this could be such a heart-warming moment.

He tore his body from mine as he held my shoulders as well as me in place.

“I am sorry, forgive me...please…?"