The Regret

Had I kissed you, we should've been together. The regret hasn't gone away.

I see myself sitting beside you in the student council office. You've been waiting for me there for a while. I'm nervous to ask you, but my mouth opens as if something forces it to.

"Can I kiss you?"

You smile shyly. I feel that you would like it too.

I move closer to you, but I fear what must happen. There's a gentle knock on the door. It's the school utility man, Joe. His bald head comes in first. He tells us to leave as it is inappropriate that a teenage boy and a girl are alone in a closed room like this.

Before we go our separate ways this rainy afternoon, I ask if you would come to the ball tonight. You say, "I'm not sure if Father will let me."

That's the last time we see each other.

After a year of studying college in the city, I come back to town. You have changed. My dreams have changed too. I have regrets because I didn't kiss you.

I move on with my life and work for a security agency in the city. One night on my way to my apartment, I pass by an old beggar hunkering in the pavement. He's wearing a cap. He stands up and approaches me. I could feel he's looking around, maybe checking if someone might notice us.

"I have an offer," he says.

"What about?" I ask.

"I'll help you go back to your past and repeat everything from then."

I smile. He might be insane. I walk away.

He follows me. "Just say yes and I'll send you back. Right here, right now."

"How will you do that?" I halt and turn to him. I couldn't make out his face because of the shadow of the bill.

"It's a one-time offer and no regrets if you say yes."

I grin.

"I know you want to change something," he says.

"What's the deal?"

"You change the world for me," he answers.

"How?"

"That's why you'll go back to the past."

I feel like the beggar is insanely fantasizing about something, so I think there wouldn't be anything wrong if I play with it. He gives me a grimy piece of paper which I accept. In it is a provincial home address.

"Are you ready?" he asks.

I crack a smile at my crazy action.

He presses his thumb on my forehead. Darkness engulfs me and it's like falling to infinity.

Then, suddenly, I find myself sitting beside you in the student council's office.

"What now?" you say, eyebrows knitting.

My mouth hangs open almost forever.

"Hey, Mark." You tap me on my lap.

The rain keeps on drumming the roof. My heart pounds in rhythm with it. I slowly draw near you. Our eyes close as we wait for our lips to touch. We play our tongues like it's the last moment of our lives. But, there's a knock on the door. It's Joe, the utility man. So, we have no choice but to go out and part our ways.

I've forgotten about the beggar because I spend a lot of time with you. I've forgotten the task he asked me to do. To change the world for him. I'm changing the world for myself.

We elope and leave our parents. We go to the city and find jobs to support our needs. But, one day you leave me. You say that you need to find yourself, to find your dream. And so, I let you go. I've thought of you for so long, but then the beggar comes back to my memory.

I travel to the provincial home address in the grimy paper tucked in my wallet for 2 years. I look for the address and find a bungalow house. The gates are open, so I get in. I tap on the door. I'm utterly shocked to see you in front of me. We are both shocked. There's a moment of silence. It seems forever to me. You break that silence the way you break your promise. You say 'sorry'. And then, I hear a guy behind you asking who I am. Something chokes me in my throat. I wouldn't want my eyes flooded with tears in front of you, so I leave full of regrets.

Now, I'm old and tired and inutile and insane. Yesterday I met a stranger on the road. He was wearing a suit that didn't exist in our time. He told me he's from the future. I asked him if he could take me back to my past. He said, yes, but my body feature would remain. I was afraid you would see me for what I am, so I changed my mind. But he said, "I can grant you one-time power to meet your younger self and instruct him to go back to your past to change your present, though. But," he paused, "you must never tell him anything about your identity. Because if he learns that you are him, everything will revert to your present."

I nodded in agreement.

This is the night that I'll meet my young self. I've been sitting here on this pavement waiting for him to pass by. There, it's me, young, sane, and healthy. I now stand up and need to shadow my eyes with this cap I'm wearing.

"I have an offer," I say.

"What about?" He looks at me as if I'm crazy.

"I'll help you go back to your past and repeat everything from then."

He doesn't care about it and walks away.

I go after him. "Just say yes and I'll send you back. Right here, right now."

He grimaces but agrees without hesitation.

I'm glad that I'll be sending him back to you. I didn't write the address where I had found you with your lucky guy. I wrote a note of advice.

Mark, I'm your future self and you must listen to me so you won't regret your life. Forget everything about her. She never loves you. Fix yourself. I don't want you to end up like me.