Jojo's Bizzare Adventure: Top 20 Worst Stands Part 2
#20: The Sun
I know the countdown isn't particularly ranked, but the more I think about it, the more I get pissed off at the arc. And it's not because of The Sun itself, but more so the user Arabia Fats. If Johnny Joestar has the infinite spin, then Dio must have the infinite rizz to convince Arabia not to light his bloodsucking ass up like it's Christmas in July.
Regarding raw power, we're already up there regarding the Sun's light beams putting all the Crusaders on the back foot and leaving them more cooked than an egg on a hot summer sidewalk. That "E" in precision better mean excellent, given those same lasers melted straight through Joseph's binoculars in one shot.
If Arabia wasn't a literal joke character, and he put The Sun in a more public location, he'd probably get the dub. And this isn't mentioning how you can make tanning beds useless and make solar panels much more viable. Potential heatstroke aside, I firmly believe The Sun isn't as bad as most people. Besides, we've already screwed ourselves with global warming, so why not add more fuel to the potential hellfire.
#19: Bad Romance
Given how several of Pucci's Stand-related DISC will be on this list, he wanted less to get Jolyne and more to clear out the duds in his collection. So much so I'm glad someone took advantage. Debuting in Fujiko's Bizarre Worldly Wisdom -Whitesnake's Miscalculation, we have Fujuko Fuijyama user of Bad Romance.
This discount, Heaven's Door, allows Fuijuko to translate intense feelings toward anyone they touch through the type of drawings regarding that subject. In layman's terms, Fujiko makes canon rule 34 so good it's addictive. As a fellow man of "culture," I can't blame her target being our iconic master baiter. The effect is strong af, too, with Jolyne one step away from making certified Stone Free bondage gear.
So why is it on the list, given how powerful it is? Simple, I can't draw for shit. Nuff said.
#18: Bohenmiam Raphodsy
Much like how my Mom probably felt when I accidentally drove into my house's front porch, I'm not mad at Boheniam Rhapsody, just immensely disappointed. Even if you're capped hard by anything limited to 2003 or 2012 (depending on how you want to view the timeline), the ability to summon any fictional character and make your opponent share that character's fate is like A-tier creativity which brings a lot of questions.
Imagine trying to get Superman's fate so you can become as strong as him, or seeing Zeus and Jupiter smoke electric e-cigs and debating who is the most down bad. So many possibilities are brought up by switching this towards a more direct fight. But, of course, it doesn't matter anyway, given Raphosdy's weakness is more ass than a drove.
Having the Stand get hard countered by bringing forth characters that can undo it means any OC made by a 12-year-old girl with a Fanfiction account got more power than the fucking user. A cruel reality that would have me right near Unaglo if I knew Bloodslaya69's half-dark elf Nashadia kicked my ass.
#17: Tenore Sax
Speaking of Araki making joke characters, I don't have any material for this shit. Inventing illicitly luminous illusions is an underrated power I rarely see get love in media. This ability would go great with some other Part 3 stands, like Empereor or Hanged Man. But, of course, given how easily Kenny G was felled, these crafty creations seem to need much more workshopping.
#16: Walking Heart
Leave it to Jojo's to have drip so fly it has everyone else drown. In their blood, that is. Booting up the interdimensional Morioch Cho radio brings us to Hatao's Higstkata strutting across the runway with Walking Heart, a stand that can elongate heels at superhuman speeds like fast spears. And that's it.
I mean, I'll give props for combining form and function but something tells me Haato got the raw deal out of the whole family Stand-Wise. This is sayng something, given Joshu's continuous existence seems to be a raw deal. Still, despite the incredibly limited ability. Y'all are going to be starving if I ever decide to wear heels cause I will leave no crumbs.
#15: Milagro Man
The impulsive urge to ignore the result of using this Stand just to clear off any future college debt is very fucking strong, tbh. Still riding high on the flow of calamity, Milagro Man makes your wallets so phat it's unhealthy. Any money spent is immediately returned to the center to the point where it can bury the user in cash. A cost I don't have the Steel balls to bear.
Fuck this is more a curse, too, since any poor unfortunate soul greedy enough to steal the money produced Milgaro Man gets the ability. Which is exactly what Joshu fucking does.Making it pretty clear that money can't buy happiness and a fucking backbone for our resident troglodyte in the yee-yee ass haircut.
#14: Marilyn Manson
Given the criteria I put for this list, almost every Stand that inherently relies on games or putting two characters on equal footing was on the chopping block. No pun intended, but by their very nature, it's a gamble to use them. I'd arguably say Marlyin Manson is the worst. While it can potentially do the most physical damage, it does the least to give its user a good advantage.
The Darby Brothers can prevent cheating or all forms of lying respectfully while holding souls hostage for bargaining. Boys 2 Men can steal people's stands, effectively countering someone's trick, and two other examples will come later. Marilyn Manson, though? It only harms as much because it doesn't accept stolen money, instead going for organs to collect the debt of whatever's exchanged.
Regardless since the Stand doesn't inherently defend you, a far more likely thing to happen is your opponent suggesting another wager with careful wording to spin things their way and get everything back or, worse, beat you to hell and back till it gets returned. And as much as I would've loved a little ball bashing from Jolyne, I don't think the ends justify the means.
#13: Thoth
Oh, Oingo Boingo Brothers, how y'all got to be part of a group Dio good enough to stop the Crusaders in Egpyt, I'll never know. Given how prevalent the themes of fate are throughout Jojos, you'd think getting a live sneak peek would make Thoth the greatest stand here till you realize that even with the combined intelligence of the brothers being that of two Okayasu's, you can't do much with it.
Since every prediction Thoth makes will automatically happen, I'm getting spoilers for a movie that might suck. If the future in question also benefits those around me and not me, I'll see myself as a side character. A fate I'm better off not knowing.
#12: Khumun
It only makes sense to have one brother after the other. On the one hand, disguising yourself as anybody is the perfect way to infiltrate places or trick some people. Until the logistics come in and you realize, why the fuck would I want this? Making a fun little impression with your friends in the schoolyard is one thing, but the full impersonation is another matter.
Not only will you have to match someone's clothing, but also their diction, speech and accent, and finer details that someone could pick up on, so that's extra money out of your pocket for acting classes. I'm not even sure if using it to troll celebrities would be effective nowadays too. Deepfakes, misinformation, A.I., and simple edits do half the job, Khumun does.
I'd probably only use this ability to superficially alter my appearance, like clean a zit or look as buff as a Jojo character. Either way, you can't get far with this ability nowadays, especially when other appearance-altering stands like Cream Starter and Whitesnake exist.
#11: Bastet
You know, online, I often heard many arguments that Jojo's Joseph was the smartest. This makes sense, given he's arguably the best onscreen track record. His literal main gimmick involved finding out what his opponents would say next, and tricking the Pillar Men on the regular easily makes you more wily than your average bear.
Making the fact he and Avdol nearly died to Bastet both more cringe-inducing and embarrassing. Even if we're mentioning how anyone in 7Jojo's should have fucking spider sense for weird shit, the added requirements are ridiculous. Not only do you have to keep close to your opponent to layer the effect in, but with how long it takes for the Stand to be debilitating. I'm far more likely to get my face attracted to someone's fist before being repelled toward the stratosphere, if anything.
That all being said, gotta give Mariah massive credit for having some of the smoothest legs and biggest brains in the entire part for somehow making Avdol x Joseph canon to us all. Even managed to join in on the fun for a fun little threesome that left her practically crushed and wheezing.