I wish...

It's night-time already and I am in my room lying on my bed while watching a drama in peace when suddenly, mother barged in.

"Give me your phone. It's time to go to sleep."

Said mother while she's now standing beside the open door. I quickly looked at her then groans as I sit on my bed.

"Oh, so you're groaning now? What is it that you're doing that you have to groan like that, huh!? You already spent your whole day with that phone of yours and you dare act like that!? You still haven't achieved anything in life and yet you dare to show that attitude of yours in front of your mother!? How dare you!? We did not raise you to act like that! I did not raise you to treat me like that!"

What!? Is that your way of telling me that you didn't saw me finish those goddamn chores this morning!? And what!? Excuse me!? Did I ask you to give birth to me just to be treated this way?! No! I don't want to be born in the first place and yet here I am! Spending and wasting my teenage years under your goddamn strict supervision that I can no longer tolerate no more!

"Is whatever it is your doing earlier on your phone that important, huh!? Now don't you dare do it again, okay?! Especially in front of your father! I'm sure he'll punch you in the face right away!"

I'd rather express my feelings and face the consequences than to stay quiet and let it consume me instead.

"Now hand me your phone or else you'll experience the worst."

Threaten mother. What a very sweet mother she is. 'Or else you'll experience the worst' she said.

In the end, I have no freaking choice again but to obey what I've been ordered to do and bottle up my feelings inside of me because I'll experience the worst she said.

"Hurry up! Your father is already sleepy! You can only act like that when you already achieved something big!"

Said mother as she now glares at me. I quickly shut down my phone, stood up from my bed then walk towards her to give my phone.

Oh, so me being the second best in my class in elementary, being the only one in my class who aced an examination and being the eighth best in my class in middle school wasn't an achievement at all?! Oh my god! Now don't you tell me that I've wasted my time studying hard to have an achievement only for it to be discredited by my own goddamn mother!

"You dare to groan as a sign of protest earlier but ended on giving up the phone. What a joke. Don't you ever dare do that again if you can't even stand for yourself."

Said mother as she grabs my phone, walks out of my room then closes the door.

And here I am standing in the dark, left alone in my dark room where her painful words keep on echoing 'til I feel my heart shattering into pieces.

How can I stand for myself if you don't even taught me when should I stand for myself? How come I ended up with these kinds of parents? How come I ended up being miserable every single day? How come I ended up being born?

I just wanted a simple life where I can be who I want to be and express what I want to express and encourage me to do my best in everything and tells me to follow my passion and do what I want to do and not what I'm told to do.

I was flustered when I suddenly feel something cold on both my cheeks and my feet. I slowly looked down my feet then suddenly, my vision became blurry. I slowly reach for my cheek with my hand and wipe the river of tears flowing on my cheek with my fingers, making me kneel and sit on the floor while staring at my wet fingers.

Wow... So this is how it feels to be numb. Why... Why am I experiencing this kind of pain? Why am I suffering like this? What did I do to deserve this?

If there's anyone or anything out there... I wish to escape from this goddamn hell through my sleep. I wish to stop feeling and experiencing this kind of pain over and over and over again. I wish to only feel happiness and serenity when I escape from here. I can't take it no more.

My tears keep on flowing on my cheeks as I drop my hand and stare at the floor. I wonder how long it will take for me to calm down.

I can't handle this no more. I've bottled up too much emotions that my heart, mind and body can't stop themselves from breaking down.

I wish I was born in a much better family than this one. I wish I've let go when I'm still in mother's womb. I wish I could escape. I wish I could stand for myself. I wish I have someone here with me who protects me. I wish I have someone who shows their love and support to me. I wish... I wish... I wish I haven't been born at all.

As the night gets deeper and my room quieter, I sit still on the floor and let my river of tears dry on my cheeks.

I don't want this goddamn family. I don't want to inherit his freaking fortune. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like how my parents spent theirs, starting from the beginning of my youth.

I wish someone knows how I feel. I wish someone understands what I'm feeling. I wish someone would comfort me in these times. I just wish to be happy and to be loved by the ones I love.

Why can't anyone just ask me what I really need and not freaking assume what I want!? I mean, it isn't hard to ask that kind of question!

Sigh.