Troubled Mind

Hearing the clang of steel I turn the corner and see what has grown to become a calming sight to me. The Natblida training to become the next Heda has become quite the norm. However, there was one Natblida that was missing, and her name was Luna. A few months ago Luna left in the cover of darkness, no one has seen her since. There were rumors though, that she was spotted near the sea.

In time we shall see if these rumors have any basis to them. But for now, for now we wait. Over the years I haven't really crossed paths with her much, she was more of an... introvert so to speak. Choosing to instead stick to herself, rather than make friends with the other Natblida. To be quite honest, I was glad that she decided to leave. I've seen her spar with another Natblida and she was fierce with her blades. She even threw Lexa around a couple times.

Just out of curiosity to see who was the best I asked her to spar. I won of course, but she left me with a rather nasty bruise across my chest. I'm glad that she left because if she chose to stay, I fear that Lexa would be killed in the conclave. Lexa and I have grown rather close as friends, we tell eachother everything. There are no secrets between us, and that's how I like it. Lexa has made my time on the ground truly remarkable, she has given me memories that I will truly cherish forever.

There was one time when Lexa and I were still children, we decided to play a little prank on our resident flame keeper. We snuck into Titus's quarters and stole all of his clothes while he was bathing. The bald oaf was chasing us for hours, in nothing more than a towel no less.

Chuckling at the memory, I was brought out of my thoughts by a soft voice to my left.

"Well Well Well, and here I thought that the great shield gon Heda's forgot about us."

Rolling my eyes, I turn to see Lexa saunter up to me. She has grown into quite the beautiful woman over the years. Matthew has even dropped some hints about how we should get together. The invasive old man is always trying to get us alone together in some way.

I can't say that I haven't thought about it myself honestly, I am definitely attracted to her. Physically, as well as her personality. What's stopped me from trying to move past friends with her is that I am afraid that she will not return my feelings. Let alone the fact she recently got together with a local healer named Costia. Seeing them together makes my heart hurt. However, if Lexa is happy, I will let her do as she wishes.

"What was your name again?" I asked her, a small smirk playing on my face as I saw her annoyed expression.

Now it was her turn to roll her eyes, "I don't think I've seen you down here to train in a few days, everything alright?" She asked me with concern, lacing her words.

"Everything is quite alright, Heda and I have just been rather busy as of late." I motion towards the old man in question walking towards a group of Natblida.

"I understand, there is a lot of responsibility that comes with being Heda. Every lesson with the Heda goes over the rules and responsibilities that come with it." She says with pride.

I know she will be Heda, she is the best fighter out of all the Natblida and she takes the responsibilities of Heda completely to heart. She will make Trikru proud, I know it.

"Well I hope you're ready for it Lexa, because you will win that conclave." I told her honestly, putting extra emphasis on the will.

She smiled sadly at my words. I know she is still doubting herself but she has no reason to, she can mop the floor with anyone here. Except for myself of course.

"Thank you James." She said softly, smiling up at me. She was a few inches shorter than myself and seeing her look up at me with those beautiful eyes of hers made my heart skip a beat everytime.

I knew a few years ago that I was developing something for her. At first I didn't want to believe it and I tried everything I could to reject the thoughts. But I only ended up hurting her and in return, myself. However, since I've accepted it and stopped trying to lie to myself, we've grown closer because of it. She still doesn't know of my feelings towards her though and that is something I'm hoping to keep underwraps.

Pulling myself from her alluring eyes, I motion towards the training field. "Up for a spar Heda?" I asked Lexa teasingly with a challenging brow raised.

She faced my challenging gaze with one of her own. "I am always up for a spar." She answered haughtily. She hasn't beaten me since we were children but she never lost her urge to fight and want to beat me.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

After our sparring sessions, we were hydrating when I heard the voice of someone whose presence filled the pit of my stomach with world shattering reality.

"Lexa, James!"

We turned to see Lexa's girlfriend, Costia, running up to us. "Costia!" Lexa responded, equally excited, embracing Costia when she was close enough. The two held each other and shared a quick kiss before turning to me.

"Hello James, have you been well?" Costia asked pleasantly. She was always trying to get close to her lover's best friend. Wanting me to be her friend as well.

It wasn't that I didn't necessarily like her, I did. She was a very kind person and she was good for Lexa. What I didn't like is that Lexa looks at her like she is the most amazing thing in the world. It's hard for me to be around them when they are together, I feel awkward as hell and I am reminded that she doesn't feel that way towards me.

"I am well, Costia. How about yourself?" I replied just as pleasantly.

She gave me a bright smile before answering. "I am doing great! I delivered a beautiful baby boy today. It was such an amazing moment." She said smiling in memory and giving Lexa a kiss on the cheek.

"That's nice." I said distractedly, all of the sudden I didn't really want to be around these two at the moment. Excusing myself, I walked over to where Heda was. Feeling the two girls' gaze on my back, I refused to turn around. I know it was rude to just leave like that but my presence only would have brought down their mood.

"Heda." I made my presence known professionally, nodding my head to him.

"Ah James, are we ready to retire for the day? He asked me, we've been at the training grounds for several hours now and the sun was starting to set over the buildings.

"Yes heda." I answered. He nodded in response and bid farewell to the Natblida that he was giving training tips to.

Walking back to our quarters, Heda could tell something was bothering me. He could always tell, I swear he was psychic sometimes.

"What is wrong my boy?" Matthew asked once we reached the elevator. I knew he was going to say something, he always does.

Knowing I couldn't lie to him, I decided I had to be truthful. "It is just the thought of Lexa and Costia being together, father." I sighed out.

Matthew nodded his head in understanding. "Let me tell you a story, my son. When I was younger, there was this girl I liked, maybe even loved." A girl? He never talked about a girl before so I listened intently. "This girl however, she did not love me back. I knew she wouldn't but that didn't stop me from seeking her attention."

He sighed deeply, lost in his memories before continuing. "Many times I tried to get her to see me the way I see her, and many times, I failed. Eventually, she fell in love... but it wasn't with me. I was devastated of course. However, she was happy, and because she was happy, I stopped trying to get her to see me. I have not sought a woman's attention since my boy, not because I was Heda, but because I knew that whoever I was with, wouldn't have my full heart."

I was enraptured by his words, I had never known this was the reason he never had any children. I always believed it was because he put his duties as Heda before his own.

Stopping outside of our quarters, he turned to me. Placing his hand on my shoulder he looked into my eyes. "It's time for you to look inward, and start asking yourself the big question: Who are you and what do you want?" He said sagely.

Maybe he was right, tonight perhaps I'd meditate and think on it to decide how I wanted to move forward.

"I understand father." I said thankfully, his words always seemed to help me.

"Good, I always knew you were smart. Now go to sleep young one, we set out tomorrow for our hunting trip." He laughed. I nodded my head in agreement and I turned towards my door, opening it. Before stepping in however, I was stopped by my father's voice once more.

"Hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength. Goodnight James."

Turning back I saw his door already closing, his words ringing in my head as I closed my own door.

"I do have hope, hope that one day Lexa will reciprocate the feelings that I feel towards her." I uttered quietly to myself in the darkness of my room.