Chapter 14: Nurse

Working with the child was quite fun. To be able to talk to a young kid and hear about their perspectives on things was refreshing. Majority of kids are sweet and innocent so being able to hear their side without malice was a nice break. It helped me see things in a new and different way too.

I had been working with this child every day for about two weeks. During this time, all I had to do was spend time with the kid. Like I said, it was fairly easy. During these times that we were together, we’d do anything between just having a nice and long conversation to trips to the mall. It seemed like a nice task and I was confused as to why nobody wanted to take this on.

Some days these encounters would make me sad because it would remind me of Joy all over again. It reminded me of what we used to do when she was alive. Then it would make me think about all that I could’ve done to save her..But as soon as I go down that rabbit hole, either Evan calls me, or I shake myself out of it. My new motto is: I’ve got to replace the old memories with new and better ones. I can’t live my life in the past anymore.

Then there was Evan, our relationship still stood at a standstill, everyone waiting for me to take my turn. I had other things to focus on so trying to figure out what Evan and I were was not a priority. I mean, he helped me out a lot, and for that I'm really grateful! However, I don’t owe him anything for his kindness. People shouldn’t be kind just because they want something out of it. So when I’m ready to confront that whole situation, I will do so. Just not yet.

There was one day where I was extensively pondering what Evan said the one night that he gave me this new assignment. His words kept echoing in my head and I felt knots forming in my stomach. “Do not mess this up.” How could I mess this up? Was he referring to my daughter’s death and how I killed her? He isn’t that mean….right? It was really hard to think about. Maybe Evan wasn’t on my side? If he was insensitive enough to refer to that, then maybe I shouldn’t be involved with him.

“Hailey, what are you thinking about?” The child asked me. It definitely was the wrong time to be having these thoughts.

“Do you think Evan cares for me?” I asked them and immediately clasped my hands over my mouth. What was I thinking?! Asking this of a child!

“He definitely cares for you. He loves you!” They said it so confidently that I couldn’t help but smile. Kids catch everything. We had the TV on Sesame Street so I turned my attention back to it.

“Hailey, can you be my new Mommy?” The child asked out of nowhere.

I didn’t really know how to respond. “I-I-I can’t...I’m not a good mom.” I told them quietly.

They looked at me in confusion. “But you’ve been doing a great job with me! How could you not be a good mom?”

Flashes of my ex showed in my mind and I shuddered. “I’ve got to go now. I’ll see you later this evening.”

The kid tried calling out to me but I didn’t turn back. I was filled with rage and sadness. It wasn’t the kid’s fault, and a part of me knew that, but I couldn’t help but take it out on them. They were the one that was near me. I didn’t fully leave the hospital, just in case the child needed me. I went to the cafeteria and sat down for a while, taking a book out to calm myself.

After a half hour, my mind cleared and I started to reflect. I realized how rude it was for me to just leave like that and take my anger out on the kid when it wasn’t even their fault. I grabbed some sweets from the cafeteria and took them up to the kid’s room. The first thing I noticed when I walked in was the sound of a flat heart rate. I dropped everything that I was holding and rushed to the bedside.

The monitor was telling me that the kid was no longer breathing. I pushed the assistance button frantically and grabbed the electric pads. Quickly charging them up, I shocked the child, once, twice, three times, but their heart rate wouldn’t restart. I felt the tears roll down my face, it was the second time that I’d killed a kid. How could I have this bad of luck?

The nurses and doctors came rushing in to find me on the floor, sobbing. They all looked at me with pity. I wasn’t sure exactly why, but I had a feeling that they knew something that I didn’t. I heard a nurse cross to the bed. “They died from heartbreak.” she said quietly. I shook my head vigorously.

“That can’t be true!” I yelled, standing up and walking over to the nurse.

“I’m sorry but it is. That’s why they had to be transferred here and that’s why you had to spend so much time with them.” She told me sadly.

“No, you’re lying to me.” I spun around to look at the doctors behind me. “You’re all lying to me!”

Just then Evan came bursting into the room. I watched him look at everything in shock. “What did you do Hailey?” He asked me, tears filling his eyes.

“I didn’t do anything! This isn’t my fault! I don’t deserve this! I didn’t do it, I didn’t!” I yelled at him.

He looked at me with sorrowful eyes then looked at a couple of male doctors near him. “Take her out of here, will you?”

They nodded and grabbed me. I started kicking. “Let me go! I didn’t do this! I didn’t kill the kid, I swear.” They carried me past Evan. “Evan please! You know I wouldn’t do this!”

He wouldn't even look at me. “Just go home Hailey.”

At that point, I knew there was no reaching him. I let the doctors carry me out and throw me outside. As soon as I regained the ability to stand, I started running home, there was only one thing for me to do with my life now. I was tired of feeling this guilt and I was tired of hurting people.

I went straight to my medicine cabinet and took my bottle of painkillers. It was pretty much a full bottle. Perfect. I poured handful after handful until they were all gone and went and laid on my sofa. I turned Sesame Street on, a tribute to the kid I just killed. Right as I was being succumbed to the darkness, I heard several knocks at my door. I ignored them. The darkness was weighing me down and even if I wanted to answer it, I couldn’t. Eventually they entered my house and I opened my eyes. I saw Evan looming over me. I especially didn’t want to see him in my final moments, so I gave up, and let the darkness consume me.

Hours later, I woke up. This was actually very disappointing for me. I wanted to die and yet here I am, still alive. I got up slowly and looked around me. Everything was the same in my house. I looked on top of my kitchen counter and found the suicide note I wrote my parents. I almost forgot I wrote that. I crumpled it up, thinking that it was useless now, but then uncrumpled it. If I couldn’t kill myself, I knew someone who could. I snuck back to the living room and realized that Evan was sitting in my recliner, passed out. Maybe he really did care, but I didn’t deserve his love.

I snuck out of my house very quietly. I knew where the kid’s father lived, from countless times of having to drop the kid off to visit their father once or twice a week. I drove there now, having a plan in place. When I arrived, I noticed that the house’s lights were still on. Perfect. Then that’d mean that I could talk to him.

I climbed out of my car and walked to the front door. Before knocking, I really thought about if this is what I wanted to do. I came to an absolute answer: Yes. I knocked on the door, and stepped back, waiting for it to be opened. When it was, my heart dropped. The child’s father stood in front of me, hair everywhere, and tear stained eyes.

I dropped to my knees in front of him. “I’m so sorry for what I did sir! I never should have left your kid alone for one moment. I’m so sorry!”

He looked at me with fire in his eyes. “You’re sorry, huh? Then why don’t you go die just like my kid, huh?” He kicked me. “You good for nothing nurse.”

That’s all it took to set him off. He took all that anger out on me. With every hit, I felt as though I deserved it. I didn’t move, I didn’t fight back, nothing. I just waited for death to fall upon me. The whole time, the man was screaming bad words at me and though those hurt, I kept silent. If I did speak, I’d only apologize. Which made him a lot more angry.

Right as I was feeling as though all my bones were broken and I couldn’t be that far from death, I heard a familiar voice call out. “Hailey! Hailey! What are you doing? What’s going on?” There was Evan, clearly out of breath from running here, looking at me getting beat to death. I opened my mouth to speak but the man stopped me. “Don’t speak unless I speak to you! You have no right!” He kicked me again.

Evan charged forward. “Hey, stop it! What did she do to deserve this?”

The man looked at Evan with icy eyes. “She killed my son. Now I suggest you leave unless you want me to beat you too.”

Evan looked at me, and I saw a singular tear fall down his face. “I never should have given you the task.” I smiled weakly. “I’m sorry Evan. If these are going to be my last words, I want you to know that I love you but I don’t deserve you. Find someone who does for me, okay?” The man yelled in anger. “I said you could only talk if I spoke to you!” Then he delivered his final blow and I descended into the deep black, darkness.