Maia

I always felt like I never fit in. I reached a certain point in my life where I learnt to keep my thoughts to myself rather than expressing them.

The things people didn't understand, they automatically considered that it was somehow the other person's fault that they couldn't make their point across. But it was not always the same. At least, not in my scenario.

From a young age, my parents instilled their teachings in me and taught me their professions stood first, not their daughter.

Honey, of course, I will be there on your birthday. Why don't you let Martha arrange it for you? You can call your friends. Order some frosted donuts from your favourite place. I will be there before you blow out the candles.

My mother didn't come until the next day. She thought my birthday was a day later. My bad.

It's such a big moment for us to see you perform at your dance recital. Your father and I will take the earliest flight and cheer you from the crowd.

They never came.

I felt stupid, angry and so lonely. But I could never complain or throw tantrums. No, I was supposed to behave like an adult and needed to understand how important their job was. Whatever luxury I could afford was because of their jobs. At times, I was told that I needed to stop being such a demanding, needy kid. I needed to behave more mature and responsible and stopped seeking out their attention.

They never failed to make promises, bubbling hopes in my naive heart and every time they broke them. After some time, I even stopped expecting as petty as a weekend dinner with them. My parents were always busy and I was the very thing standing in their paths to make their life miserable. I made my presence insignificant and tried to stay out of their way.

One thing I was sure of that after high school I would move out of my house and I did. My college was just an hour away from my home but I made up some excuses and they didn't bother to make an attempt to ask for more. They quickly agreed. I guessed that was what they had been hoping for.

I promised myself that I would never in my life be vulnerable like my younger self and let people walk over me and treat me badly. Maybe that was how I got into a relationship with Clyde.

From the very beginning, he never broke his promises and that was what made him gained my trust and after a few months, when he asked me out, I said yes.

Everything was going smoothly between us. We were hardly apart even though he was my senior. I spent most of my time with him after my classes. He had a tight-knit circle of friends, they always hung out together and by default, I became a part of their small group.

His friends hardly spoke a word to me. They were more into actions, fighting amongst themselves which Clyde had assured me on many occasions which was just a sport to them. To be in shape, which I never fully understood how drawing blood and striking punches could fit into that criteria.

One night, everything had changed. Clyde called me to come out of my dorm building and meet him outside. When I asked for what, he said nothing. Just told me to come down, muttering something urgent and cut the call.

I didn't know what to expect. It was heavily raining outside and by the time I got to him, I was thoroughly soaked.

I was shocked to see Clyde. He was bloodied and beaten. His nose bent at an odd angle, I was pretty sure it was broken and his cheek was swollen.

"What happened?" I put the umbrella over his head but it was useless against nature, thrashing its wrath over us.

I never saw Clyde like that. He never took part in fights with his friends when I was around. And when he did later, I immediately noticed the next day and showed my disapproval. He listened to everything that I had to say in displeasure and when he had enough, he gave me a long kiss to shut my mouth and peppered me with compliments, to take my mind off him.

Seeing Clyde like this in a lot of pain, I felt bad. I wanted to put my arms around him to somehow make him feel good. But I didn't know whether it would be a good idea because I didn't want to cause him more pain without seeing what other damages he had on his body beneath the clothes.

I brought myself closer to him, to ask him, to urge him to tell me what had happened and why wasn't telling me? what was he hiding? But before my thoughts even made an appearance, Clyde took a step back, stepping out of the shelter of the umbrella and stood in the rain.

I hesitated and felt confused. He never did that. Clyde never pushed himself away from my embrace. Then, what changed?

I was not prepared for what he had to say when he spewed out my worst nightmare.

"It's not working anymore. Maybe we stop seeing each other and… and do what's best for us."

I stood there dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say. How he had come to this conclusion when everything was alright till yesterday. We even talked and laughed this morning on the phone. Then what had happened between morning and now that made him take such a decision.

I felt like I was travelled back to my childhood — rejected and unwanted. But this time I was prepared to deal with whatever life threw my way. I wouldn't beg him to stay, stooped to make myself desperate and needy. Clyde had already made up his mind and how much I tried I couldn't change it. All I could do was to accept and hold back my tears until I was alone.

That day something had shifted inside him. He became cold. His carefree attitude turned serious and there were hurt in his eyes. For what? Maybe he was just showing sympathy for my poor heart.

"Why?" The only question I was capable to ask and I needed his explanation, something to put my mind to rest of where did I do wrong.

"That's how love works. We fall out of love." He shrugged.

Clyde didn't meet my eyes but I see how his gaze roamed over my soaked body. He was still attracted to me but that was not enough if he had no feelings for me to make this relationship works. He rooted to his spot. His fists clenched. I didn't know whether he was controlling himself to not speak more to hurt me, or keeping himself in check and didn't do something out of pity. Either way, I want none.

I had been on this side of the road too many times that I thought I was used to it by now. But no, it hurt as much as it hurt me the first time. Though this time I was not that pathetic little girl, pleading with my parents for every chance, for every occasion to be there for me, at least for once. And how every time they disregarded my feelings and dismissed me.

When he noticed my gaze on him, he gulped and looked away, muttering something unintelligible before he left in a hurry. I didn't beg Clyde to stay and sort out whatever he thought wasn't working between us.

No.

That door was closed the moment he pushed me away, made me feel of little importance. He was never like that. Clyde loved to hold my hands or wrapped his arm around my shoulder and whispered his love declarations in my ear even while we were in the crowd. And that slight tilt of his lips always put a smile on my face.

I shook my head and thought about what to do next. I couldn't go back to my dorm room and let Liza, my roommate, see crying my eyes out for a boy whom I had been dating for three months. She wouldn't understand and threw a casual remark about my stupidity.

Liza was a very practical girl. She thinks with her head and not her heart. She had warned me on numerous occasions I should do the same. I should have listened to her.

She always said, 'Boys are like dresses. There are so many to try on. Wear one, have fun and then put it back on the shelf. You don't want to wear the same dress every day.'

I turned away but not went into the same path I came from. I took another path through the buildings to a more secluded area, behind our campus building to sit on a bench and had a moment alone with myself.

The rain made it easier that I didn't have to hide my tears and when the sky grew darker and I had enough, I went back to my dorm room.

I quickly went to the bathroom to change my outfits and slip into warmer clothes. I had no appetite so I skipped dinner and went to bed early. But when I finally closed my eyes it was hours later and cried myself to sleep.