Chapter 35: A Heartbreaking Conversation with Death

(Chapter after Raingency)

I walked alone through the corridors, my head rattling constantly since the afternoon. I couldn't eat and I couldn't even think of sleeping. There were only a few girls left in the palace, and I was one of them again. One who had come closer to the prince than I should have. If jealousy had not taken over my body then, I would not be at the point of guilt. Folding my arms, I looked around on the floor and dully recognised my reflection shimmering in the tiles. I had long since ceased to be the Fourth Caste girl who was supposed to serve as a mole. Now that all the weight had fallen off my shoulders and I could really allow myself to feel free, I was locked up. Did I want this life in the palace? Was I ready to give my heart to the prince? It was as if my lungs were constricted, metaphorically of course. I squatted down in my tulle dress, the rustling lace sliding smoothly over the ground. A delicate pattern emerged and I reached for the marble floor, it was cold and smooth. Why was the world so unfair to me? I had never been lucky, now that I could have had it, I didn't want it. Like many things in the world, perhaps hope is more beautiful than fulfilment itself. I glanced at the pictures, they were in golden frames and portrayed the different rulers. One day Nicolas would be hanging there too and at his side a strong queen. I couldn't imagine that I would be the one. I was not strong, I was weak and afraid. I was even afraid of happiness. It was killing me that I was hurting everyone in my way. I was only bringing unhappiness to them. I couldn't break Nicolas' heart by refusing his proposal, I had to break away from him first. Will it hurt me? In a way, of course, I had lost my heart to him, but I was a bad influence. I let out a small sound and gripped my mouth so as not to wake anyone. I winced and tried to force myself into composure. But I couldn't. My grief and frustration flowed anyway, black rivers flowing over my hand. I put my other hand on the floor and wiped black drops from my reflection. I heard footsteps, footsteps that brought bad luck when they saw me like this. They stopped behind me. "Lady Belle?" I heard the whisper of his voice. Silence. Of course, it had to be the prince who found me crying in the hallway. We had a tense relationship. The moon had already risen and shrouded the silence in white and light blue. The light broke through the windows and reflected against the chandelier on the ceiling. I turned my head to the side and looked into the pair of green eyes that showed confusion. "What are you doing here?", the prince asked. Admittedly, at night I was already in bed. I didn't want to answer and turned away. Silence. "Belle, it's at night, what are you doing in the corridor?"

"I couldn't sleep", I explained in a whisper. It wasn't even a lie. He came closer, looked down at me. He was wearing a suit, but his jacket was open and his hair lay unruly. Had he been working again? Silence. "Have you been crying?" He seemed so majestic in contrast to me. Even now. "No." I couldn't look him in the eye, he shouldn't see me in this situation. Silence. He bent down to me and examined me: "Is it because of Raingency?" He grabbed the back of his neck and spoke more to himself: "I should have known it was bothering you. I'm such an idiot, I'm sorry." Awkwardly, he took my hand. My eyes filled with tears again at his tender touch, I could only see in a blur. Then they followed again the black streaks. "Please, don't cry, it makes it even harder for me", he was overwhelmed by the situation. "I, I can't.", I withdrew from his tenderness and hid my face in my hands. Sobs. Silence. Suddenly it became warm around me and I felt the buttons of Nicolas Gilette. "I can't go on, Nicolas, I can't go on like this", I sobbed. I had deliberately phrased it ambiguously. He held me, didn't leave me alone, all without words... He said nothing, he was just there for me and by my side. I continued to cry quietly, I noticed how he stroked my head. This gesture warmed my heart. It felt so good not to be alone. I don't know how long I sat like that on the floor with him. I looked into his green eyes, still clutching his jacket with my fingers. "Belle, please don't do this to me, I won't take advantage of you now.", he replied firmly. "Please.", I whispered longingly. I closed my eyes and felt his lips on me expectantly. We kissed and he stroked my hair, probably another strand that didn't want to stay where it was. He let go of me: "I can't do this to you in your condition, it wouldn't be right. "Nothing is right or wrong in the here and now." He took my face in his hands and gently brushed away a tear. Silence. "You are so beautiful Belle, even in the moonlight." His eyes reflected a small blur of Belle, which was ironic. Because at that moment I felt inferior and fragile. The next moment we were kissing again. My heartbeat was faster and that pleasant tingle ran through me again. Then I remembered my resolutions, I had to get out of here. I was bad for him, he deserved a better woman. I broke away from him: "We can't." I whispered. He looked me in the eye: "Belle, have I done something wrong?" He looked at me hurt. This time I had gone too far, I had rejected him too many times. I wanted to approach him, but he avoided me. "Nico...?", I wanted to say something, but he stood up and smoothed out his clothes. "I can't do this anymore, either you finally make up your mind or I'm leaving. I am not Prince of Little England for pleasure. I have a job to do and I cannot rely on you to be the wife by my side. What if you suddenly stand at the altar with me and throw it all away? No, I can't go on like this. I'm not your plaything anymore!" His words cut into my flesh. He looked at me, I knew he was expecting an answer, but the one I would give him, I didn't want to give. His hands hung limp: "I understand." My silence seemed clear to him. He turned and strode away. I stayed behind, alone and abandoned. My reflection looked me in the face. I doubled over and shed bitter tears. I was an idiot.

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"You not I was, I will have to kill you." I couldn't kill him, I loved him. Sparse fragments of words flew through my head as I entered the dream world. "No, Nicolas, I'm the mistake in this game." I was in my room. "What?! No, Belle, you're not a mistake for God's sake, you're a gift." Nicolas was floating across the floor. I'm going to lose him, I couldn't lose him. In my hand, I held a knife. "I'm bad luck, it's best if you never see me again." I panicked. He was getting closer and closer and I was going to kill him, I knew it. I wanted to disappear, but an invisible force held me back. "You stay here, I hate lies!" I felt constricted: "Please let me go, I can't breathe!" He continued to hold me: "I won't let go of you until you tell me the truth." My breathing quickened, suddenly I felt so constricted in this dress. I was afraid the walls were getting closer and closer. "Please let me go, I'm scared.'' my plea was like a scream. I freed myself and gasped for air. Everything blurred before my eyes again, I couldn't get enough oxygen. "Belle, I didn't mean to. He rose and came closer, but that narrowed me even more. Please stay where you are." I shouted, still holding the big knife. "Calm down.", he stopped. By now he had stopped floating. It was getting harder and harder for me to stand. I swayed from right to left, from left to right. With the next step forward, I fell forward. I landed softly, probably caught by him: "Belle, please don't die on me here. A whirring sound rushed into my ears. My chest breathed shallowly: "Free me, open my dress, put on my corset before I..." He supported me and did everything I wanted. As soon as the cords opened, I sucked in a sharp breath. He undid my topknot and bedded me on his lap. Relief was visible on his face: "I was really afraid you were going to die on me." I must have looked really terrible. "Don't worry, I'm tougher than I look.'', I said. He laughed lightly: "There she is again." I took his hand and intertwined it with mine. A gesture I didn't care about at that moment. All that mattered was the here and now. Suddenly a deep pain ran through me, I felt my way to my stomach area. It felt wet. I cried out as I smelled the scent of iron. Fresh blood dripped from my fingertips. Nicolas stared at my wound without making any effort to help me. I cried out again and doubled over. Slowly I stopped breathing, the last thing I heard was Nicolas' warm smile.