1 The End

[This job sucks. Damn that pompous jerk and his over-inflated ego. Of course I'm put in charge of directing the dead. You cause one little catastrophe and they demote you from minor god to reaper duty. Whatever. Let's get this over with. Who's today's first victim? Er… I mean guest… Faustus Wilder. Well that's a name. I guess it's better than John Smith. All right Faustus, let's see what you're thinking. Can't be much if you're dying.]
To think… It would end like this. I mean, I am nothing special, so what's up with the special treatment? There's nothing impressive or important about me, so this inferno going on around me, with the crazy amount of flying debris feels like over kill.
[Oh great, he's a thinker. Probably an introvert. Solitary, noted. Looking at his files, it doesn't seem like he's a bad guy, but he hasn't done anything especially great either. I guess I'll put in a request for reincarnation. If they deny it, I suppose I could get away with just flipping a coin…]
A lesson for you kids, don't throw your cigarette butts into the sink. Apparently the fumes from the sewage can cause it to explode. Also, don't touch people with severe nut allergies after you've eaten a pack of peanuts. And if you ever work in a shop, make sure that the fire extinguishers aren't expired, that lines aren't leaking, and that you maintain a safe work environment in general. If you don't, you might end up like me, waiting to die, but unsure if it's going to be the shrapnel, the flames, or the allergic reaction that finally does you in.
[Huh… I guess this isn't as dull as I expected]
Shouldn't someone like me die as quietly as I lived? I guess not. Then again, I guess I can at least boast about my death in the afterlife. I mean, how many people can say that they blew up while having an allergic reaction? Actually, I don't want to know the answer to that question.
[Hmm… a fair question. Perhaps I'll have to discuss the matter with him later… Oh goody! I've gotten approval to reincarnate this sucker! Er… I mean… lucky soul. Heh.]
I know what you're thinking, how does something like that happen? Well before I answer that, I think I'll reflect on my life a little. Does that bore you? Well too damn bad. It's my death sequence after all, so I'll flash back if I want to.
[Oh yawn! Whatever. I guess this should help me decide what kind of life to give you, so go ahead. Prattle away.]
I suppose there was one thing that was special about me, at least according to my mother. She called me a 'miracle child' or whatever. Basically, she and my father weren't supposed to have kids, but here I am. And they conceived me in their forties to boot!
Now, as I'm sure you can imagine, I was a bit sheltered and somewhat spoiled. I mean, my parents weren't wealthy people, and I was grateful for everything they did for me so it's not like I was one of those entitle brats that think they own the world or whatever, but I was definitely ignorant about how hard life could be. Until grade school that was.
[Hmm, 'miracle' child eh? Good to know, good to know. We'll have to make you something special, but this time let's spice things up. Oh! That will be good… heh.]
Long story short with that mess, I was never bullied personally, but I witnessed it happening. I'm not proud of it, but not wanting to bring attention to myself, I was that sucky bystander that always pretended it wasn't happening, and I worked hard not to stand out. Maybe my efforts worked a little too well, or perhaps it was karmic retribution, because while I never got bullied, I never excelled at anything either. In fact, I was completely average and ordinary in every way.
I had friends, even a few that happened to be girls, but I never had a girlfriend per say. It wasn't that I repulsed women, they just didn't notice me. I was always passed over for one of my buddies, all of whom had some set talent or feature that distinguished them from the crowd. While I was certainly happy for them, it stung that my love life was so lack luster. It also stings that I haven't heard from any of them in years, but I guess that's just what happens after high school.
[Holy crap this guy is boring. Scratch the 'little' part, we're going to have to spice this up A LOT]
Ironic how everything that is supposed to bring you joy and success in life just leaves you empty and alone. I mean, I played it by the book. I went to college, got a crippling student loan, worked part time to survive, managed to get a halfway decent job after I graduated, went to the bar on the weekends, conformed and all that crap, but look where it got me. I did everything right, so why am I dying such a meaningless and inconsequential death?
[Because you don't have a life! Both literally and figuratively now, I suppose. Heh. That's it, I'm going to have to give you a body that is hard to kill. Don't want you dying before you do something with yourself in the next life now do we?]
I think the only thing I missed out on was that whole marriage, divorce, and agonizing child support crap that most of my coworkers are dealing with, but then again I don't think I mind. If I could find a nice girl and fall in love, great, but what's the point if it all goes to pot and you turn into a bickering pair that no one can stand? I mean, I don't get how people go from being all cute and lovey-dovey one moment then turn into toxic sludge the next.
[No interest in toxic relationships eh? But those are the funnest to watch! Fine, fine, I'll grant you some kind of blessing. Hmm… I don't think there's one for lost love specifically… oh here's something! Protection of innocence! That should do it.]
Now, I'm a twenty-nine-year-old virgin dying in a bizarre workshop accident born of every miniscule safety infringement possible and it's doubtful that, since my parents passed away not too long ago, anyone will even attend my funeral. So much for happy endings.
[Woopdey-freaking-doo. You think you have it bad punk? You should check out the Middle East sometime. You want to see unfortunate? I'll show you unfortunate. Right, we'll add 'misfortune magnet' to the docket.]
Am I losing it? I swear I'm hearing voices… and they're very judgey. Whatever, maybe it's just the blood loss. Is it normal to feel this cold when you're on fire? Probably not. Am I finally dying? Is this nightmare finally over?
[Perceptive one, aren't you. Now, tell me, is that all? Any final wishes before we wrap this up?]
Wishes… why do I want to think of wishes? Maybe there really is a voice in my head. Oh what the hell, crazy or not, I guess it doesn't hurt to dream a little in my final moments. What do I want? That's easy. I've lived a lonely life and never even kissed a girl. My wish is simple. If I could do things over, I would want to be surrounded by ladies. I really do wish I was more popular with women.
[Saw that one coming. Don't worry, the body I've chosen for you is a fan favorite among girls! Well, most girls, but whatevs. It's impossible to make EVERYONE like you.]
It's getting dark. I don't' feel the pain any more. Is this finally it? Thank goodness.
[You won't be thankful for long buddie. Heh. See you on the other side.]