Chapter 21

2016.12.10

I decided to text him back. Text back to Kate's ex-boyfriend. They did not tell me that they were dating. I wanted to know what he had to say. He is the one who was ignoring my texts at first. Kate did not tell me all about their 'LOVE STORY' and also called him a playboy and a jerk. I wanted to know for myself. With a heaviness in my heart I opened stargram. The random guys who had texted me have deleted their messages except for one. I felt that I should text this guy back. First is first, I texted Kate's ex-boyfriend.

He had messaged me saying "Hi! How are you doing?" "Why are you not messaging now?" Me?! Seriously he is the one who was ignoring me all these months. "Doing well. I think you are the one who was ignoring me for the past months." I texted back. I did not want to let my guard down for no one. He was not online I guess because it had been fifteen minutes now. I stood up and went to get myself a coffee. Once I came back he had messaged.

"Right. I am sorry. I just woke up." the text read. I did not know what to say or how to change the conversation to Kate. I should just go with the flow. "You should be. Why did you stop texting me all of a sudden." I texted him back making him feel guilty. Hope he feels guilty. "I am sorry. I am at fault. I stopped texting because Kate asked me not to." I was not taken back. It is obvious. "WHY?! Did I do something wrong? I played the innocent card. No girlfriend would love when their boyfriends talk with other girls. If my boyfriend is talking with a girl I should know who and I want him to draw a line with them when he texts or calls or meet up with them. "No you did not do anything. It is just that I was dating Kate." He replied in an instant. I sent out a shocked face and dropped a message saying that she had never mentioned about it to me. I also updated him that I was not talking with them anymore as before. He replied with a 'oh'

He continued the conversation, "So, how is your boyfriend?" I was confused where this heading is. "Boyfriend?" I asked him. "You are dating right?" "No I am not. I have not. I had never been in love or dated someone." I denied assumption. "Bu they told me that you were in a relationship." "Who said I was in a relationship?" "Someone." "Someone? Was is it Kate or Amy or one of my other friends?" "No. No them. It was someone." "If it is not them. You can tell me who it is." "No you will get mad." "So it has to be a friend of mine." "No" "Then why would you assume that I will get mad?" You get me right mate. There was no one I had connection with to tell about me. It had to be them. Why were they guilty and hid everything from me until they were caught from school and when he dumped her at last.

"You know forget them. I stopped talking to you was that when I knew that you had a boyfriend I was heartbroken." "Heartbroken?" I messaged him in return. "I liked you a lot. I loved you." I stood from my chair. Shit! No. No. I was not expecting this. "The day I saw you I fell for you." Okay I did not mention this. There was a time he wanted to see me out of curiosity and saw me in front of the math class. And he kept telling me that I was really cute like three or four times on a row. I was blushing at that time now I was not because of what he said next. "I was really sad and I started smoking to cope with the fact that you will not be mine." It sounded a bit extreme. Like we did not even date or text in a flirty manner. If you see the texts it was like a conversation between a younger sister and an older brother. "Smoking will not a solution." I started no to panic. I wanted to play this safe. "I do not know. I was so heartbroken when I heard that you were in a relationship. I smoked at least four to five times per day. I wanted to ask myself if you were in a relationship but I did not want to disturb you. After me and Kate stopped dating I wanted to tell you sooner but I was afraid that I will disturb your studies." He kind of kept saying that he was smoking because of me. Like he wanted to me feel guilty and pity him. Even if he had texted me back then, I would have not texted him because I was not using the social media anyway. I remembered that Amy was telling that he was a playboy that he cheated and dumped Kate. "Brother, I want you to stop smoking. Do not smoke because of me. I am happy about it. You should not destroy yourself because of someone like me .And I am sorry that I have no feelings towards you and I only see you as my brother. I think we should stop texting each other from here. I am so sorry to break your heart again but I think this for the best." I think he did not expect such a reply from me. He just replied "I will try to quit smoking. But I cannot forget you. I cannot force you either. It is your choice. You will be a beautiful memory." I do not know if he meant or trying to make me fall for him. "Thank you for understanding me. Have a wonderful life ahead. I will pray that you will find someone better than me." I ended the conversation. He replied "We can still be friends." I did not respond I just deleted the chat. The conversation will go on if I kept replying. He messaged again and again. I kept deleting the chat over and over again.

He was fed up of me not texting and he eventually stopped texting. It was already four in the afternoon. I closed the laptop. I did not text the random guy back. There was so much for me absorb. I sat still on the chair for around fifteen minutes. Was they jealous that guys fell for me? Or was he just one of many. They did not have to tell that I had a boyfriend or not. It is not one of their businesses. They should not be going around telling tales. But she did one help. Kate had a relationship with him and not me. He seems to be like a playboy. His vibes were not right. I was saved by Kate that means. But anyways I will not be dating anyone. I was not interested. Even though I had a crush on Samuel, it did not mean that I wanted to date him.

I sighed. I do not know how much lies have they spread about me to others. I started feeling sick. I was not feeling okay. I was feeling lonely. No one cared about me. I have no friends. All the smiles, talks and friendship was a lie. A drama. I could not differentiate what was true and false. What an idiot I am.

Everyone were sleeping. I slid out of the house and went to the garden. I sat watching the birds come and go. I cried. I cried my heart out. It was feeling heavy and I wanted to empty everything. I wanted not to cry for them again. My throat became sore. I breathed in gasps. All the fun we had together was as if I had imagined them to just to fit in. Was I a bad friend? Could not they trust me? Was my hot-temperedness too much? Was I being a jerk all this time? I doubted my own existence.

"Anna, Why are you here? I was searching you all over the place." Engel had woken up and came next to me and sat with a book. I turned towards her to check what she had bought along with her. It was a math worksheet she had got from school to do during the holidays. "I was watching the birds while you were sleeping. I saw a new bird that was green in color." I am not lying. I did see a green bird. "Was it pretty?" "Kind of but it sounded a bit horrible." And I mimicked the bird. She snickered and handed her school work saying "Help me out." "Let us get back in." I felt better. I felt better that Engel is my sister. I am grateful for her.

2016.12.31

Today is the last day of 2016 year. I am bidding goodbye to 2016. There was good and bad memories and experiences. But bad memories have hold a stronger ground in my memory. As if I had never had any wonderful times. I tried to think of only good days the past few days. But my brain was not very good at responding to it. It was giving out signals of stay away from people. I have started to control my temper. I do get easily annoyed but I try to keep it within me. I do not feel any good. It is like that I am busy bottling up everything and no one is going to buy them. I think I will be gutting out soon because my heart is becoming heavy.

Everyone in my school group chat are asking forgiveness and greeting Happy New Year. I hesitated to say sorry to anyone. Because they are the one who misunderstood me. And they are the ones who should be asking forgiveness from me. I wanted to let go of everything. So I also joined the chat and asked forgiveness for those I have hurt with and without intention and wished Happy New Year.

Engel, mom and I sat in front of television to watch a horror movie that was broadcasted by one of the channels. Mother and Engel slept while watching. I was awake watching the movie. I sat still and did not even twitch.

2025.05.18

I am having cramps from periods. I was laying on the bed. Dongmin has gone out to work. I have not yet said anything regarding the accusations. I suddenly heard someone smashing a plate. I woke up in an instant. My cramps flew away. I am a bit terrified right now. I slowly pulled the baton torch and went down. It was Dongmin. His hands were bleeding from the broken plate. It was not an accident. He had smashed on the floor and next to the broken plate laid his phone with a shattered screen.

He had come home early and did not wake me up. "Dongmin?" I called him from the back. "Why are you still being quiet about this? How can you sleep in peace?" He kept asking me questions in a broken voice with his turned away from me. I did not reply. "I feel like all these are true with your silence. Are you hiding something from me? Please do not betray me. I do not think I will be able to handle it." And he knelt down on the floor. While he was talking I went to the kitchen quietly and brought the first aid kit. I sat next to him and took his palm into mine and stated to clean it up. He pulled his hand away and screamed "Tell me something! Do not keep that silence!" I looked away from his palm and at his eyes. "I will not leave you honey. I love you." This was the first time I have ever said my love to him without writing it down. I again took his palm and started with cleaning. He did not take away his hand this time. "I know you are upset. I know you are hurting and so am I. I cannot take sudden decision on this one. I have to be careful to what I am going to reply. It will affect us both. I am sorry that I bought you to this mess." I finished bandaging his hand. He was quiet and listening to my each and every word. I placed my hand on his cheek and slowly rubbed. "I would never leave you. I will not lie to you honey." He pulled me in closer by my waist and said "There is a new post that a guy declaring that he slept with you and said all shitty things about how you hook up men and trash them later. I got mad because I know I was the first one to ever have intimacy with you and I am mad that you are keeping quiet about all of this. And I do not want someone to trash talk about you. I cannot bear it." I hugged him tightly and said "I do not care what other people tell. I will never get hurt. It only matters that you trust me. We were sitting for a while embracing each other. "I am going to work tomorrow. I am going to stay with my babe and have fun." He said in a pouty face. I smiled and said "Stay. I need some cuddles."