Sh*t hits the fan
"Hey there, Sensei, Hokage-sama." The brown-haired Uchiha walked out of the ER, taking off a pair of medical gloves.
"Izumi-chan? Are you alright?"
"Yeah, all good and dandy, Kaname-sensei. You made it - the injection will save our clan. But we will talk later about that. I detected large amounts of viper venom in Temari-chan's veins, I dealt with it. Her life is no longer in danger."
"Viper venom, huh? Motherfucker, be right back..." Kaname growled out.
"Not that fast, Flat Board. We need to know what happened. Did you talk with Temari?" Tsunade caught her shoulder and turned back towards Izumi.
"No, Temari-chan is out cold."
"It sucks, but we will have to wake her up."
"..." Izumi's face grimaced at the prospect of waking the teenage girl up, "If you wish so, I will attempt to numb her pain as much as possible, Hokage-sama."
"Good, do so." Tsunade watched the young woman turn on her heel and walk back into the operation room. "How could someone so competent be your student, Flat Board?"
"Heh, Izumi-chan is special. Can I go now? I have something to talk about with our least favorite snake."
"Just a moment! You know them best - could it be an attack from Akatsuki? We know that they're aiming for jinchūrikis."
"Most likely, it doesn't seem to be Orochimaru's MO. I made sure he would aim his anger at me. Despite his brief control of the village, I doubt he sees Suna as anything than a tool. No sense in attacking it now."
"I see. Be careful out there."
"Hoh? Are you worried for me, Granny?" Kaname teased.
"Don't get your panties in a twist, Flat Board. We are rivals - that means only I can kick your ass."
"Haha, no chances of that happening, ever, Granny." Kaname put two fingers up and tried to teleport to the seal she set on Orochimaru.
Half a second later, Tsunade's bone-crushing punch was heading towards her face.
"Woah!" The Uchiha stepped aside, dodging the blow.
"Huh? You still here? I thought you would just teleport away to spite me?"
"Welp, what can I say, Granny? Shit happens." Kaname shrugged her shoulders.
"What does that even mean?!"
"It seems Orochimaru found a way to hide Hikōjin seal's signal... Tehe~?" Kaname winked and put out her tongue in a smile.
"... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"
This time Kaname's body evaporated before the punch reached her.
"GAAH! Come back here! I need to vent on somebody!"
-----
"Kana-chan? What's up?" Utakata sat on a sofa next to his fiancee.
"Heh. Nothing much, I was just thinking about something."
"Yeah... So, what's up? You look really worried." He didn't let her brush him off.
"... Orochimaru somehow found a way to block my Hikōjin."
"Oh. Yeah, that sucks. I always said you should finish that bastard off, Kana-chan."
"I should have. I thought that the known and predictable danger is better than an unknown one. You know that sooner or later, someone would fill Orochimaru's place."
"It's okay, Kana-chan. I'm not saying you were wrong. Heh, even better, I believe you're right about that."
"Damnit! You should be angry at me, Utakata! I fucked up big time, that snake will be raring for revenge, and you four will be his main targets, and I won't be able to stop him easily now!"
"Come here..." Utakata pulled her into a hug to calm the woman down.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have played around with someone like Orochimaru and just kill him on the spot."
"Calm down, Kana-chan. Nothing will happen to our children - we're strong enough to protect them."
Two lovers stayed like this for two long minutes. After she quieted down, Kaname took a long breath, "Haru and Kushi?"
"As mom called it, she is making up the lost time with her favorite grandchildren."
"So we're alone for some time?" she hummed appreciatively in his arms.
------
"Shikamaru-kun!" Team Six found their late classmates in the Nara compound.
"Huh? Hinata? You Duckhead, and... Wait, is that you, Naruto?"
"Hehe. Hi Shika, Chōji, and Ino."
"Damn, Naruto, what do you eat to grow like this? Wanna chip?"
"Thanks!" Naruto took a handful.
"It's not important, Chōji-san." Hinata's voice interrupted them, "Two minutes ago, ANBU reported to Hokage-sama that they found Temari-chan. She got escorted to the hospital in critical condition."
"... Troublesome woman." Shikamaru panted.
"I'm sorry for this idiot." Ino slapped her teammate's back of the head, "He doesn't understand what it means to have a girlfriend."
"What was that for?!"
"Haah... Who had such an excellent idea to team me up with you? Get up - we're going to the hospital." The platinum blonde pulled Shikamaru's arm.
"Huh? I'm not an iryōnin - I won't help them there. What is more important, I'm too tired to walk all the way out there."
"Chōji-kun... No, wait. Naruto-kun~ I need your help." Somehow the way Ino put an accent on Naruto's name felt wrong to Hinata.
"Sure, Ino-chan. What do you need ~ttebayo?"
"I'm going to take over this slowpoke's body and walk him to the hospital. Can I ask for you to take care of my real body for the time being? You can cop a feel if you want, I don't mind." She whispered her last sentence.
"Eh, what was that ~ttebayo?"
"No!" Hinata clutched on Naruto's hand, pulling the blonde closer.
"Hmm?" Her Yamanaka friend smirked, happy that her plan worked.
"Ah... Um..." Hinata blushed, noticing that all of her friends looked at her in astonishment, "Uhh... I. Ah! Sasuke-kun, you can help Ino-chan!."
"Hmm, you know what, Cheater-chan? I don't mind that. If you want to protect Him, I have a deal for you."
"Y-Yes?
"I want you to take pictures. Just imagining Sakura's face once she sees Sasuke carrying me is ecstatic."
"*Crunch*." Chōji took a bite of a handful of his bacon-flavored chips, "In the end, I'm not sure if you're good or bad friends, Ino-chan."
"Okay, stop this! Ugh... Troublesome woman, no thank you, I will walk there myself." Shikamaru slowly stood back on his feet - his speed would be considered mild even for the elderly.
"... You look like you're being taken to your execution. How old are you?! 90?! Move your arse!" Ino commanding voice shouted over an ever-tired young man.
"Now you see my dilemma, Ino. Every second we're getting older. We need to save our energy for later."
Ino's brow started twitching in anger. "Gah! I failed! To hell with you! If both Asuma and I can't make you act like a decent human, then maybe your father can! Ah, or maybe even better, I'm going to talk with your mom!" She used her finger like a needle thrusting it into her teammate's chest.
"Uh, wait! You don't have to talk with her. It's scary how quickly she and Temari found common ground... I won't postpone this anymore! Just leave that most troublesome woman out of this..."
"Heh... Works every time!" Ino smirked, looking at Shikamaru's back, traveling much more rapidly towards the hospital.
"I see, so you're the second in command in Team Ten..." Sasuke's brow rose in recognition.
"You're wrong about that, Sasuke-san." Chōji interrupted the Uchiha.
"Huh?"
Ino put her hands on the hips, "I'm the one in command here, period."
"But what about-"
"Asuma-sensei was under Ino's thumb the second week." The shinobi from the Akimichi clan replied.
"Ugh..." Sasuke grumbled.
"I was taught by the best and took the lessons to my heart, Sasuke-kun~. Asuma-sensei's secret date was the perfect material to entertain myself with."
The black-haired young man instantly noticed the similarities of Ino's smirk with one of a certain sadistic and rather odd Uchiha.
-----
[Two hours later]
"Hey there, horsie!"
"Yugao-chan? Hi, Kana-chan is sleeping at the moment. Wait? Horsie? What are you talking about?" the Six-Tails jinchūriki greeted her back.
"Ah, don't mind the details. A stupid question, is your Bijū part horse or bull?"
"Neither?"
"Hmm, weird. From Kana-chan's boasting, the ANBU on yesterday's Hokage guard duty did bet about that. I'll have to think it through later - there is a nice amount there for me to win, you know. Tsunade-sama is asking for Kana-chan's help - can you wake her up?"
"... I may try, give me a moment." Utakata disappeared behind the sliding doors.
'Welp, I thought Kana-chan would be the last of us to find a partner. No wonder Anko acts as if she's in heat.' Yugao smirked, looking at the closed doors.
Knowing of Utakata's immediate departure to Land of Water and the mission their Hokage had for her childhood friend, the purple-haired ANBU felt a ping of pain looking at the pair of lovebirds walking inside the room with their arms interweaved.
"Yo, Yu-chan, what's up?" Kaname greeted her lightheartedly.
"Haah... Tsunade-sama just thought of a plan. She needs you in Suna as soon as you hear of it."
"I'm sorry, I can't leave Haru and Kushi without a parent close by."
"Yeah, Tsunade-sama considered this. I talked with Sachi-sama already - she will gladly take care of her grandchildren."
"I see it's that important, huh?"
"Sorry, Kana-chan."
"It's okay - they're safe in Konoha." Utakata squeezed Kaname's palm in assurance.
The Uchiha nodded her head, "... Damnit. Let's go." The pair combusted into flames.
"She forgot about me..." Yugao gasped.
-----
"You called for me, Granny?" Kaname appeared in front of Hokage's desk.
Tsunade's brow started ticking in anger, "I'm sorry, but you're disturbing our meeting, girl."
She turned around and noticed Konoha Council members glaring back at her, "Oh, it's you two..."
"*Pft*..." Pakura snorted with laughter, sitting on a couch, letting Temari sleep on her lap.
"Leave for now! Konoha's Council matters don't concern you, girl." An old hen waved Kaname away.
"Councilwoman Koharu, please, think of who're you talking to before something unfortunate happens to you." Utakata's low voice replied respectfully.
"You're threatening me, boy?!"
"No. I'm just stating the obvious. My love here is very vindictive if someone angers her."
"That she is..." Pakura chuckled.
During their little dispute, Kaname had a mute, eye chat with Tsunade. Five seconds later, the Uchiha nodded her head, "Hey, old prune, I see you don't want me to be present here, huh?"
"O-old prune?! How dare you!?" Koharu spat out.
"No respect for the elders. You can't keep someone like her as one of your advisors, Tsunade." The second councilor spoke out.
Kaname turned back towards the Hokage. The busty blonde developed a ticking vein on the side of her forehead. 'Should I just wait until Granny explodes and kills them?... Nah.' She decided, "I give respect where it's due - it's not freely given. If you want me out of here, then make me."
Both councilors took a step back when hot as fire Mangekyō Sharingan pierced their souls, "Y-you! That's treason! You can't attack us!" Koharu shouted, pointing her trembling finger at Kaname.
"I just can't 'people' right now. Your absence would be greatly appreciated..."
"D-daimyō will hear of this!" Homura pulled at his late teammate's arm.
"For a moment, I thought you would play around with that bloodlust of yours and order them to kneel before you, Flat Board." Tsunade smirked.
"Believe me, I had that idea in my mind, Granny."
"You had?"
"Doesn't matter, were they the problem you had to deal with? I'm very sure you could do that yourself, Granny."
"No, I had to use somebody for that. Despite Pakura being here, Daimyō ordered the immediate attack on Sunagakure."
Kaname's mouth dropped, "... Huh?"
"No, I'm not kidding you. Pakura, please explain."
"With her brother's help, Temari-chan barely escaped capture. Orochimaru and a shark-man ambushed her and Kankuro-kun in the middle of the desert. According to Temari-chan, that shark-guy was rather brash - he spouted what their plan was."
"Yeah, I believe I know that guy."
"They were going to use them as bargaining chips for Gaara-kun. Most likely, Suna is already without their Kazekage." Pakura continued.
"Ah, I see. A hidden village without a leader is easy picking, so Daimyō ordered an attack? While strategically sound, I doubt the idea came from him - Fire Daimyō is too stupid and cowardly for that."
"Exactly. I used you to delay that order, Flat Board. I'm not sorry for that - we both know that your relations with Konoha's Civilian Council are stressed at best. We need to find and bring Gaara back to his village. I can't put the war out for longer than two days - not acting already could be counted as treason. I can postpone our shinobis under the pretense of preparations."
"We should just kill that little shit on the throne and be done with it."
"And start a civil war inside the country? While we could hold off Daimyo's hordes of samurai, they would just financially starve us. Eighty-five percent of high-ranked missions are being routed to us from there, Flat Board. I may be the Legendary Sucker, but even I'm stupid enough to take that bet. No, we have to play by the rules. It sucks, but I have to use you to stop this war."
"Not a problem, Granny. Maybe it's the best course of action."
"Hmm, I thought you would get pissed about being used?"
"Heh," Kaname took a glance at Utakata, "It's reassuring to know that you're loved whatever you do, Granny. You should try it."
"Nah, it's not for me. But thanks either way."
"I'm sure you have at least one admirer, Granny."
"Me and that pervert?! No way, never!"
"Hmm, I meant all the kunoichis that you're role model for. Interesting that you thought of Jiraiya-san from the get-go, Granny."
"Y-Y-you!" Tsunade spluttered.
"Hahaha, I see his situation isn't that hopeless. Don't worry, I won't tell him a thing, can't say the same about my clones..."
"Ugh... If I could, I would just get rid of you, but it seems that I need your help. Pakura can go with you. She will have a lot of say out there, despite her missing-nin status. I'll try to ask Sarutobi-sensei to help you - his words hold a lot of weight in both villages."
"Kana-chan, can't you just teleport Sarutobi-san in here?"
"One of my clones tried it already, Utakata. He left my seal back in his house."
"... It's scary what age does with a person's memory." Tsunade grumbled.
"Watch and learn, Granny. Sooner or later, you will start to forget about such things." Kaname teased the older woman.
"Before I go to Kirigakure, I will find him, Tsunade-san," Utakata jumped in before the two started bickering again.
"He is most likely somewhere around Konoha." Hokage replied.
"Thanks!" The Uchiha gave a peck on the jinchūriki's cheek, "Granny, I can take a team of your choosing with me."
"Only Team Kakashi is available. Team Guy will return from their mission this afternoon. Hmm, I've got an idea - we have a certain blonde that wishes to become a Hokage. I think it's time to show him it isn't only a dream for a jinchūriki."
"Good, call for them. We will wait on top of Hokage's Mountain."
------
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, don't worry, Kana-chan." Utakata whispered into her ear, "I'm just one seal away from you. I'll alarm you if anything dangerous happens immediately."
"... A seal that appears to be now malfunctioning. I just feel it in my guts - we're getting drawn into a trap."
"Heh, you know that Saiken and I won't be beaten that easily. Don't worry about me - you have an important job ahead. Think only about how to prevent another war from breaking out."
"Haah... Just don't do anything I would."
"Pft, yeah, your insane ideas are too dangerous for a normal shinobi. But Kana-chan, haven't you forgot about something?"
"Ah, the wedding?"
"Baka. You really did forgot?" Utakata pulled her into a hug
"Uh... It's just... I have so many things on my head right now..."
"Heh, Love you, see you in a week, Kana-chan." he playfully pinched her side.
"I will finish my mission in a jiffy and come find you." Kaname winked.
...
"So, Paku-chan, what's up with you and Doofus?"
"Heh, spicy detail for a spicy detail, Kana-chan."
"Sure?"
"The last time we met, you weren't showing the size of the fish you caught, right?"
Kaname smirked, "Nope."
"Damn, girl..." Pakura whistled appreciatively, "Yeah, Kakashi and I are together, but it's nothing official. More like friends with benefits kind of relationship."
"Hmm, is someone talking about me?" Kakashi's disinterested voice washed over the kunoichis.
"I never expected for you to arrive early, Doofus-kun."
"I heard that time is of the essence. I can return in an hour or two if this is a proble- Haaah..." Kakashi sighed tiredly after two big and soft orbs were squished on his back, "Hi... Paku-chan."
"Huhuhu, you almost sound unhappy with me being here, my Silver Stallion." Pakura chuckled, hugging her lover.
"No-no. From what I have heard, we've got a problematic request before us. I don't like to be spent on such missions."
"You don't have to worry about that. With Kana-chan here, we will have a lot of free time together."
"Yes and no, Paku-chan. Suna has similar problems with their Elder Council. Granny was... asked to forbid me putting up a seal in their lands."
"Meaning?" a new voice joined the group.
"I can teleport us to the border, then we will fly above the desert towards Sunagakure, Sasuke-chan." She explained.
"Oh yeah! I missed that ~ttebayo!"
"Nee-san, Hokage-sama told us we have two days to find Gaara-kun. How long will it take us to reach Sunagakure?"
"Talk later, Hina-chan."
Kaname's future sister-in-law nodded and caught Naruto's hand, "Ready."
"Here we go!"