mixed feeling

Sanjana pov

I though two years are enough to forget my past, leaving everything behind, when I came to this city and though everything is change. I won't care for him anymore, I won't care about past, I know he is very important part of my past life from childhood, I knew leaving him behind is never essay specially when I thought of the past. I didn't have a heart to forgave him, even when i know he is stubborn as hell and he won't leave until he got what he want to. suddenly i realize nothing change, it doesn't change anything, and it will never change, i still care for him, he is still important for me seeing him every day i remembering everything about past and the worst thing is that he doesn't let me forget anything.

knowing that he is in hospital make me very scared, its like i dint feel earth below my feet, I lost my balance, i was walking but did not know where i want to go, i came out from class. i did not know whom to talk ask about him, and then remember i didn't get any call or message from Suhani even if she went out she would have informed me she never does that...,

and she is not in home from morning she knew, I had a feeling she knew, so I call Suhani, my intuition says she know about this, because Abhi and Suhani have a thing. I call her and she pick up my call after three rings.

I don't want to know any thing except this that how he is. I did not knew what i want to ask about him.

" you knew!! don't you" I directly ask. we new each other very well so it will not take rocket science to understand Suhani what i am asking.

but she dint say anything her silence is enough for me. I know her enough.

" where he is!! which hospital " she is still silence, i can feel its serious or she wont hide this from me.

" Suhani which hospital " I yelled, I did not ask how he is because may be i don't want to knew or may be i am scared from result.

" city hospital " she whisper.

It make my all doubts clear, i feel i can collapse any second, i took support of near whatever it is he is not safe, he is in danger. suddenly I saw raj he came to me. he look nervous,

he look at me with pity in her eye, i don't know, i can't take a look of him, i just feel like if i look into his eye i may break down. so I move from there.

I am moving in campus road i don't know what is going on, what i am thinking until i found raj standing in front off me again he opened he car door.

why this man does these things when, ever i am in my low he came to me. I ask my self.

" I'll drop you " he said, i am not in the mood of arguing.

So I sit in the car, he tie my seat belt, I feel i can trust him, I didn't say anything. and he also did not ask anything, i really don't know what is happening to me.

suddenly I feel his hand on my hand, I feel relax when he touch my hand what this man doing to me, i really don't know what is happening to me. i feel safe around him and the feeling that everything is okay when ever i am with him.

I close my eye and all the things which I want to forget come in front to my eye like a movie, Abhi never leave me alone from childhood he is very protective for me, he never let boys came to me. I just wish what happened two year back it never happened, i wish i will able to forgive him one day and we can move in our life's, but i do not think it was possible if it is I did not have to leave my mother town, my mother. when I came from there i thought i will forget everything but it doesn't happened. He came along after some month. i always knew god is to crul to me. but i still want god to let Abhi have a happy life.

suddenly I feel someone hand on me, I open my eye. its raj like he is saying we reach.

I came out off car i don't have courage to go alone and then i again feel Raj holding my hand, i look at him i don't know how this man know when i need him.

we went inside the hospital he is holding my hand and making me calm i don't feel nervous anymore i feel..... i don't know.

I saw Suhani came running to me she hug me, i don't know what to say. i am not right state of mind she is again saying sorry and then she took us to OT room. this time i only feel raj hand who holding my hand.

we wait outside the room all the flashback coming into my mind and it make me more nervous and scared.

I hear doc coming out and said he is out of danger. I ask doc can i meet him in that very moment i feel empty Raj left my hand. I again feel lonely in an instant but i did not think to much.

I went inside the OT room seeing him like that really hurt me I love him so much we grow together.

" why you never take care of your self " i said to him he is still unconscious. I am angary on him for not taking care of himself.

" please take care of your self i cant lost you " " please don't force me to came back, i cant forget anything please be safe " i said to him.

I know he loves me so much and I also love him so much but i am not ready to forget our past. i cant live like that. i have to leave but i cant. i kiss his forehead and came out of room, this time i really want to live alone i don't want to talk any one.

truly I want to forgave him but i can't, because saying goes the one you love the most is the one who hurt you the most.