Chapter 13: This is how I got my first Stalker

20 June 422, Night

The room was mostly quiet, the reactions of the various groups silenced by the odd scene unfolding before their eyes. I was glad that I had yet to deal with any of the personal guards of the prince I was currently teaching how to become a good punching bag, the fact that both Meili and Elsa were not answering to the violence pushed upon their responsibility was proof that this cheeky-looking and -sounding noble was far from beloved even by his own entourage.

And I think I knew exactly why.

The young man was chuckling, trying and mostly failing to avoid getting hit on his face. An effort that was ever-renewed by the chuckles leaving his lips. He was just... taking it and for a moment I thought about pausing and giving myself some time to think but... as much as it was weird, I just counted myself lucky and continued to pull the insanity out of him.

It was around five minutes of solid time spent tanking the attacks that he seemed to 'recover' and move away from my range.

"What an annoying individual, but also a funny one and..." He hummed, mirthfully staring back at me with wide eyes. "Do you think I can like... 'corrupt' you somehow?" Ivan asked with childish curiousity, but also some minor seriousness.

The fuck?

"You know, right? The whole Dark Side thingy the Villain do against the Hero, about turning him to his side and... have fun?" He paused, looking at the ceiling and frowning. "I mean, maybe I should first get some cloak and get some wrinkles. Maybe even use a spell to get my eyes yellow or-"

...Is he referring to Palpatine?! How the- Wait.

It was in that moment that my ire cooled away just enough to let some logic inside my brain. I had long known that I was in a dangerous situation with so many powerful characters waiting there to intervene against me and... I saw Fourier.

The blond looked surprised, tired and a little relieved by how he was looking at me. Yep, that was Fourier alright.

I glanced back at the Gustekian prince and... he was lost in his own words.

I took a tentative step towards my friend, waiting for a while to see if Ivan was still focusing on me and- Nope.

Two more steps, then four and... I was finally crouching beside the Lugnican prince and checking on him. "Is anyone wounded?"

The blond blinked, smiling sadly and nodding. "Wilhelm is." He replied with th same whispered tone I used.

Drat.

I slowly managed to get him to stand up and, following me, we both went to pick up the twins. Both demi-human children were partly afraid, but now that I was here they looked also very hopeful about getting of this place.

The two guards keeping an eye on them glanced confused at me and I shrugged, merely advancing and... grabbing the children's hands, taking them away from the two armored men's supervision. There was no reaction about my sudden and blunt rescue, possibly because there was something about... the blabbering Gustekian going forth with his... wet dream?

"And we will then confess each other sweet words-"

Zoning out again, this certainly wasn't something I needed to listen to!

I stared for a while at where Wilhelm was crouching, looking terribly wounded by what I could only assume to be a few rounds with Elsa Granhiert.

The woman was as beautiful as terrifying, the curious smile and the intrigued glint in her eyes were enough to make me hesitate from taking the previous approach. A small purple-haired head peeked from behind her soft cape, Meili blinked in wonder as she tried to understand what was going on.

There were three possible scenarios:

A) I became another victim to the murderous habits of the woman;

B) I end up getting mauled by some Mabeasts summoned by the chibi;

C) For some unexplainable reason, we were granted free passage and a chance to get Wilhelm out of their careful watch;

I took a step towards the three, Elsa's lips twitching in amusement at the attempt and forcing me to take some more time to properly think about this situation. I couldn't just leave Wilhelm, for personal reasons and plot-related ones.

The man was Fourier's guard and Reinhard's grandfather, leaving him here would be the worst thing to do in such a delicate situation.

So I took another step and-

She disapeared in a blur.

Her oddly warm breath was on my ear and I felt her arms wrapping carefully around my neck.

"I will let you and your curious group pass... on the sole condition that you allow me a favor, John Bukharin." Her voice could have melted me for how sultry it sounded like... but I hadn't known about what she was truly capable of and I was particularly aware of how dangerous it was to 'stick in crazy'.

"Why?" I demanded quietly, giving off some of my nervousness.

She smiled. "Let's just say that you... caught my interest. Not only because of the prince's intrigue in you, no." She sniffed my neck and I felt my face paling even more as I took a glimpse out of her expression. There was a hungry smile on her face and... was she drooling?

"I can smell a strong scent. Something that will, undoubtedly, cause some fun time for me to enjoy." The Assassin continued to explain. "So I will stay my blade from... seeing how pretty your innards are."

Crazy bitch.

"Fine." As if there was any choice to that. She smiled at the reply, nodding as she made way and removed her arms away from me. Meili took just a step on the side, allowing for our small group to finally help the bleeding swordsman up. The man was barely conscious, but seemed to recognize us as we got close enough.

"Y-Your majesty, you- you have to leave." The elder stated with a pained stutter. "This- Ivan isn't beatable."

...What?

Just as I was about to ask for more, a sudden gasp got me freezing up and snapping my attention right at the wide-eyed Gustekian noble.

"You are- I mean, you should-" He huffed, pouting angrily. "Did you just leave me ranting like a madman?!" He demanded irritated.

...

"Maybe." I replied flatly

A scowl formed on his face. "You mean to tell me that you didn't listen about the feel we have? The lovely future that we could have shared and... the babies?!" He exclaimed with some mock-sobbing.

Meanwhile I was trying to understand what he was referring about. "Babies?" I parroted dumbly and confused.

"Three kids, we could have had the perfect family in our Dream House in- Wait no, that's completely wrong!" He groaned, hands on his face, taking some moments to think about this. "I wanted to say friendship! Yes- the kind of friendship that would see us sharing baths, sleeping in the same bed and having lots of fun and fun."

"You are incredibly creepy, you crazy fuck." I replied bluntly, his eyes shooting wide open as a smile reapplied over his face.

"I know, right? It's one of my strongest point and-" He glanced at Fourier. "Are you cheating on me with cute blond here!?"

"Heck no-"

"I mean-"

I launched a quick glare at Fourier, the prince looking away and faking disinterest over the matter.

"I don't swing that way-"

"We can make things work!" He pressed on, showing a desperate glimpse before smiling. "I can be the Hutch to your Starsky. I can be the Hide to your Kaneki- Actually, I think that last one is more what you have with Fou-Fou."

Hell no!- and Fou-Fou?!

"You just tried to kidnap people I care for! I am not attracted to you, nor I will entertain this stuff any longer!" I declared with a hint of fury, the emotion bubbling once more at the nonsense I was dealing with.

I turned around and proceeded to lead the small group towards safety and the Gustekian prince seemed to show some nervousness at my sudden decision. "No wait- We can really make me work- D-Don't make me angry!"

I ignored all of it, eyes directed at the entrance when... I was yanked away from the lead and forced to fly towards the smiling prince's... chainsaw.

WHAT?!

I turned quickly, moving out of the harm's way and letting the chainsaw pass below me. I landed moments later, sword already in my hands as the prince stared at me with the most insane expression he could muster. "You want me to be pushy, man." He chuckled, revving the device a little more. "Your words just cut deep and-"

"Fuck off." I interrupted with a frown. "How the hell did you get me there and where did you hid that?!"

His smile froze... before widening. "Oh yes! You see, my future husbando, I have something that many Kings in Gusteko never were able to use properly. A gem that is offered to those worthy of grand importance and-Pfft!"

He started to laugh to himself, moments passed before he properly recovered from his amused outburst.

"The vixen just dropped it the moment I gave her a pun... even though I don't remember having told her any pun- but now I've this gem in my necklace that can offer me the powers of all dimensions... one at the time." He explained with a giddy tone.

My mind stopped thinking, concentrating its entire sanity over the BS I just heard. Something that offer the... powers of the whole multiverse?

Sure, I knew that Re:Zero had some of the craziest shit ever but... this was utterly beyond logical!

This wasn't acceptable... and the fact the current owner was this mentally unstable bastard made things even worse.

Now that I knew what kind of crap was going on with him and why he was still 'respected' with that crappy attitude of his, the only thing I had to do now was...

Break his toy before his toy 'breaks' me.

But how am I supposed to do that with a sword?!

"Are you going to finally submit to me?" Ivan asked eagerly. "Pretty please! I will let you have a comfy bed... with me!"

I didn't reply, merely dropping my guard and... walking towards him.

He revved the machine once more, trying to deter me but... I ended up walking right in front of him.

The Gustekian prince looked incredibly confused and soon, his eyes widened in pure surprise when my free arm wrapped around his neck.

I saw Fourier's face dropping and the children looking terrified by what I was doing. The last bit was truly heart-breaking but... the plan had to work.

He twitched, vibrated at the closeness, like a puppy receiving some affection. "S-So, are you going to surrende- uh?!"

I pulled my arm away, turning around and walking away from him, causing everyone to look confused as to why I did that senseless action but then...

I lifted the blue-colored gem up for everyone to see.

The prince 'eeped' and rushed towards me in panic, the chainsaw ready for another swing but...

I was quicker.

BANG!

BANG!

BOOM!

Two bullets from the newly-materialized Desert Eagle were enough to cause the dangerous weapon in the Gustekian's hands to explode.

The young man pulled his hands away just in time, before real damage could be done. "Ouch! That was rude! Return me that-"

"No." I replied quickly, aiming the gun right at his head. "And I suggest you to surrender to me, Prince Ivan."

His jaws dropped... and everyone else was shocked by how things were turned around on the Gustekian entourage.

"You- I-" He stopped speaking for some time... before then formulating proper sentences. "Fine! But I want to read your terms of surrendering first."

"Sounds good to me." I replied quietly, 'dematerializing' the Deagle and replacing it with the contract I had in mind, the magical paper appearing with minuscule text that addressed all the possible clauses that I could come up in that very moment.

It ranged from personal demands like the standard restraining order between him and me, to something directed to the two Kingdoms. Gusteko was to never attack Lugnica in an offensive war, to never wage raids and to not disrupt the bordering nation's politics.

The prince snatched the contract out of my hands, taking also the pen I offered him and started to read the content of the paper... which was incredibly dense with it.

"You don't spare anything." He pouted in sadness. "You even deny me the chance of sending you gift-"

"And to stay to a safe distance of 1200KM away from me." I chided sternly, causing him to huff.

"And that." He admitted with dismay. "But at least, I will be able to dream about you and-"

"Don't want to hear it. Sign it." I interrupted again, this time pressing him on the time.

Ivan blinked and hummed quietly while signing down his full signature... which was terribly lengthy.

"There!" He nodded in faux-happiness. "But I promise you that I will find a way around this contract and-"

"Don't care." I interjected, causing him to deflate even more. "And after this, we will be taking our leave and... you are going to do the same."

The young man pouted, stomping his feet like a childish tantrum was moments away from happening but... nodded quickly. "R-Revenge will be sweet and... handsome as you are- Uh?" He stopped, noticing the gem flying towards him and forcing him to jump to catch it.

"Bye!" I waved uncaringly, returning back to the ground and escorting them all out of the fortress.

This has to be the most annoying scenario that could have happened... that wasn't caused by the Witch's Cult.