Chapter 9

With the aid of sparse torches along the street, we soon reached the safety of our home. It wasn't technically our home as mine was burned to the ground and Senapati's was occupied by the present rajah. But having spent the past several years in this building, made it feel like home. It was witness to all our plans and bickerings. It saw me grew into the woman that I am now, despite donning men's clothing all the time. A woman. Not only was I the rightful ruler's general. Deep in my heart, I was his woman too. Although the same couldn't be said about him regarding me.

Which reminded me of his warm lips pressed against mine. I was inside the room now, with the door behind me. Touching my left hand to my mouth, I took a deep breath and removed my outer layer of clothes. I gently folded them and placed them in the wooden chest in one corner. Closing it carefully, I sat on it and had a sigh.

"What's the matter, dear wife?", Senapati said. He had entered the quarters and I didn't even notice him. The man was so quiet despite the wooden floor.

"Do I look like a woman to you right now?", I hissed. Annoyed obviously but breathless now that he is in the same confined space as me. We had occupied the same room for years now and all the while I kept my male identity. I was very careful not to let anyone know besides Diwata. Especially when I have my monthly flow. I would get up before sunrise and wash my blood-stained sheets in secret. What was he talking about now?

The dim torch flickered right outside the door. I saw a smile form on his handsome face. It didn't help that he smelled so sweet, like coconut oil mixed with crushed mint leaves. It was what he used to to keep his hair shiny.

Really, why does he bother with these regimens when all he does is shoot arrows and wield swords all day?

"Oh no. Not at all". His voice interrupted my thoughts.

I stood from my spot and headed to my pallet to rest for the night.

"Doesn't mean you're not a woman anyway", he continued.

I was flabbergasted. I turned to face him and opened my mouth to speak but all that followed was silence. I should deny it but I couldn't afford to lie anymore. Not when my heart was at risk. Not when I felt like a woman the entire time he held me. Not now when he has his rich brown eyes boring a hole through mine.

"How did you find out?", I instead asked.

He was quiet for a while, as if debating how to properly tell me his discovery. Did he look betrayed? The furrow on eyebrows seem to say so.

"I've known for two years now", he stated.

***

Two years ago...

It was the anniversary of my father's death so I decided to go to his burial place and visit him. I have just finished my training with the young lakan. He must have left with Yani to the market to trade some wares and supplies. He might need me later to check up on my reading regarding war strategies. But that can wait. My father can't. It has been three years since his death after all and I haven't done anything to avenge him yet. He is still a traitor in the people's eyes. And I have to go beg his forgiveness about that.

I tended to my father's grave and lingered for some time until I felt so hot and humid. The waterfall looked so inviting and I thought it wouldn't hurt to take a brief swim.

Taking off my clothes in the bank, I waded towards the deeper end of the water. The sun had already set by then and I could see the moonlight filtering through the trees. Good thing it was a full moon. I wouldn't have to trek back to the village in total darkness. It's been years since I've been alone in this forest after all. And trees tend to look alike in the darkness. And don't forget the wild animals too. I've already seen a deer or two during my stay here. But I wasn't really concerned about them. They don't attack anyway.

I took one last dive and proceeded to retrieve my discarded clothes. I was tying up my tunic when I heard Senapati clear his throat.

"How long have you been here?", I exclaimed. He could have seen me earlier.

"I came just now", he informed. "You better hurry. I haven't quizzed you on your studies yet".

Picking up my father's dagger, I followed him as he led the way to the village.

***

Present day.

"So you saw me bathing naked that day...", I concluded. "You didn't even leave me with any ounce of dignity! I'm as good as dead!"

If anybody found out that I went around swimming naked, no man in his right mind would dare take me as his wife. I shuddered at this thought. I have to have a son who would continue my vengeance if in case I failed. But that would be impossible now. Having a child without a husband is as good as being branded a traitor. Spirits! What did I do to deserve this?

He must have read my mind or something. I really have no idea how his mind works. He must've seen me in deep distress and made an offer I'll never forget.

"Be my wife", he solemnly said.

In another ocassion, I would have rejoiced. I have been in love with this man since day one. Even when he was annoying the hell out of me. But this time, I wasn't glad at all.

"Look, if you're just doing this out of pity, please stop", I begged. I'm not a charity case. I would have my revenge so my child wouldn't have to do it. If in any case I fail, I'll leave the tribe and seek refuge in the neighboring one. They'll take me in if I tell them I'm General Lawin's daughter. Rajah Dula has made himself a lot of enemies by taking what wasn't his. The Osani tribe must just be waiting for an opportunity to start a war.

"You can't marry someone you don't love", I reasoned instead. Obviously, I couldn't tell him anything about my wild plans. He would not have any of it. Of that I'm sure.

"Love?", he scoffed.

I bit my tongue. Why did I even think to say that? Of course love wouldn't matter to him. Who he marry wouldn't matter if it wouldn't aid in cementing his position. Love has no place in his life. Not then. Not now. And not anytime in the future.

"What do you think I have been doing the past few years?", he asked. The bitterness in his voice too loud to be mistaken for anything else.

I was speechless. I couldn't risk looking him in the eye and see firsthand his disdain for me.

"What?", he repeated. "...if not loving you?"

At this, I raised my head to look at him. But it was too late. He already turned his back and headed out the door, into the darkness.

I laid on my pallet distraught. He did love me after all! But amazing me broke his heart. It's going to be a long night. And one without sleep.