something .... i guess

i always wonderd.... am i empty or sad or i just dont feel anything, a soul wondering craving for any feeling either its sadness , happiness, anger , calmness , maybe warmth, being loved , being hated, it dosent matter , but life always hit me with this gust of regret everynow and then

i started to remeber when was the last time i felt anything other than regret.

it was when that old grandma stoped coming , she got angry at me and stoped coming, i regreted it ever since , i prayed , i promised her that i would do anything if she came back even for once , and then i cursed her , why does she have to punish me like , why cant she tell me what made her mad, maybe i can fix that.

let me tell you how it all started.

one day i was at this strange neighborhood i didnt know how did i come here,but i started walking towards that house, i felt familiar with it , like it was my home, i stopped at its gate, observing it big house , surrounded by walls that can let you barely see whats going inside this walls, an iron black door like those in noble houses, just at a smaller scale, taller than me by a few inches , almost letting two people pass by how small it was, if you look through the door you can see stairs leading to a balcony, with a couch in it and a table , the couch surrounding the table from two sides while hugging the balcony walls, i stop there and stare at the balcony as if waiting for someone , or just feeling nostalgic , as a middle aged women comes out and stops at the stairs.

"do you want someone" said the middle aged women.

i feel sadness and joy washing me as i say i spit a name " is *@#!$* here" i said to her , afraid of her saying no to me , but looking forward to her saying yes.

she stopped there for a moment , her eyes spark with a thought as she said excitedly "whats your name."

"Aman".

"i well go tell her "

then i find my self sitting at the couch in the balcony, there is a glass door , looking at a rectangular table, an old grandma approches me, its my first time seeing her, but i feel like i know her before i even got born, she is carrying two cups of tea, a smile on her face , the closer she gets the closer the warmth get.

" long time no see aman , when did you come " grandma said.

"i was passing by , and wanted to see you"

"i missed you so much " she said .

we start drinking the tea , with every sip i take, i feel like in heaven, the wind by my side, and trees, i forgot to mention the trees, the green trees, they was high, i wouldnt be exaggerating if i say it was a piece of paradise , nothing was said untill we finished our tea ,

i am now at that table i told you about, with alot of books and grandma by my side, we start to read , as the sun start to dissapear , i take my leave .

we continued to see each other, i dont know how do i get there each time, but i felt happy, happiest decade of my life.

untill oneday

"want to sit inside"said grandma

me not wanting to upset her accepted that.

we sit on a similar table to the one outside but on smaller scale .

as a young beautifull girl passes and enter the bathroom, which had several stalls,she sit on the ground risting her backon a wall bettwen two stalls, holding a phone .

"who is she " i said

grandma with a mad face looks at her "she is my daughter , dont look at her again, stay with me "

i felt like she wasnt mad at me for looking at her daughter , but mad at her daughter,

and i felt like she didnt say that cause she is her daughter, but she was warning me from her.

"she isnt as she looks like" grandma said.

as the old clever good boy i said " ok"

as 5 minutes or so the smart 200 iq me say " can i go to the bathroom"

she looks at me with a mad face "ok "

i go to the girl and talk to her i dont remeber what i said nor what she said

when i come back grandma look annoyed at me "lets continue"

as sunset comes and i leave , i never came back, or she never wanted me to come back .