everywhere i go, i see you.
{ "I wonder if you ever talk about missing me to someone." }
*
*
*
Mingzhou replied to the voicemail in text. He wasn't sure he'd be able to string a coherent sentence if he called him.
MZ: sorry, i was busy when you called.
MZ: i'm okay, as good as i can get with exams nearing. how are you?
~:~
He walked to the shrivelled cherry blossom tree in pondering silence.
Did he get his econ grade back? Did he finish developing the last roll of film? Does he have any friends? Well, apart from this one Kim Minseok, who always spared him a grin.
Every week that they met to discuss the photography project, they'd sit on the bench below the unfurled blossoms and talk about how they'd present their theme of 'Day to Day Life' without making it boring.
"Do you have any old copies of your pictures? Portfolio? Just so I can familiarize myself with your style?" Minseok asked him when they were exiting the suffocating cafeteria, packed with STEM students who had gathered there to decompress.
"Sure," Mingzhou replied easily, sipping the warm green tea that he associated with home. China. Not Junfei. He hated green tea. Said he didn't like the aftertaste that it would leave in his mouth.
They took the tedious trip to Mingzhou's dorm from the cafeteria.
(it was like the university was delivering a very clear message with the Mess Hall being closer to STEM major dorms and placing the art block farthest from there. It had bothered him in his first year but now he had learned to feign acceptance - a façade depicted real enough lest anyone question his sincerity.)
They entered his dorm.
His roommate had gone all out on the furniture so Mingzhou hung up artwork that matched the wood and powder blue theme. But the presence of his roommate overpowered the small imprints of existence that Mingzhou had left in the form of his favourite blanket, a poster of his hometown and a few paintings he'd painted that hung lopsidedly over his bed.
"Nice place," Minseok offered generously.
"I try," Mingzhou smiled crookedly while rummaging through his cupboard.
He pulled out a round tin where he had stored all of his old films. The same kind of round biscuit tin that every Asian household was very likely to have, only that it would contain all sorts of things other than biscuits.
Mingzhou remembered asking his mother where she had gotten the dark blue tin from, and being confused when she said that she'd had it for a long time. His big eyes blinking up at her in innocence, 'why aren't there any biscuits mama? Did you eat them alone?'
Mingzhou unearthed the pictures from the box; he had buried them under the shots of the scenery, ones that didn't have Junfei's face staring at him with that charming smile settled comfortably on his pink-tinted lips.
It made seeing his younger carefree face more painful when going to college was a dream waiting to be lived. He had promised to keep in touch when they last met before he started his second year at university, but he got genuinely busy and kind of dropped plans with Junfei.
Minseok thumbed through them patiently, an inscrutable expression on his face. "You're majoring in portrait."
it wasn't a question - a statement that was waiting to be corrected if it were a mistake. But Minseok wasn't wrong. He had started with nature initially, but why waste his film on plants all green and alike when there was a natural charmer that glistened like the sun even on a cloudy day right beside him. One who unknowingly provided him with solace, that Mingzhou could feel the persisting absence only when said person withdrew from their overlapping spaces.
Mingzhou spread his arms, "so I am."
He received a contemplative hum in response.
"Your model is in all of your photos," his partner murmured, enticed by his best friend's face.
It was a rather nice face.
Minseok was holding a picture of a pink sky, against which Junfei's white outfit made a stark contrast. It was almost as if the sky was framing his body and not him posing on that beautiful day out. His dark hair was caught in the movement of the wind and his eyes were blinking at the bright sun. Mingzhou loved how relaxed the photo had turned out; Junfei's genuine reaction at the glaring sun captured in the lens on his old film camera like a timepiece that only took the observer to the past.
"Best friend privileges." would he get those again? After all this time that he let pass between them in radio silence.
*
*
*
Mingzhou hated his unhinged habit of opening his kaokaotok even though he knew it was futile. He stared hard at the Chinese characters of the contact name as if that would cause a reply to grace his inbox.
[sent - 9th Oct, 11:27 a.m.
unread]
The only other recent conversation he'd had was with his mother. She enquired about his exam preparations and wanted to know how her dearest son was faring without her and his all-in-one helper that was borne in Junfei, despite him having survived (albeit barely, but she didn't have to know that) without the older boy the previous year - his first year of college. Now as a second-year student, it seemed like she trusted him less to take care of himself. As proven when their conversation took a hairpin bend.
"Have you talked to Junfei, bǎo bèi?"
He thought he was having an anaphylactic reaction (he didn't even have any allergies!) to his name when his mother spoke of him fondly; his throat swelled and bile rose from the pits of his stomach - churning out the taste of the meagre meal he'd had earlier that morning. It wasn't a taste he was looking to reminisce.
He sighed, "no mama. I am busy these days. I have a project that might land me an internship with a modelling firm this winter break."
She let her unspoken words scatter in the closed cavity of her mouth like dandelions being blown away in humid summer winds. "Take care of yourself. Bàba and I will try to visit you once his business trips end this year. Love you."
"Okay. I love you too, good night."
*
*
*
Minseok brought his digital camera on Mingzhou's insistence.
They decided to take pictures of people doing things that everyone should appreciate more. It was a stretch to assume that their topic would encompass something beyond people going about their mundane days. The two of them resolved to go around town to find something that wasn't ordinarily broadcasted across the city.
As it was a Sunday morning (no, it was not raining but that was the song stuck in his head ironically) there was the routine garbage collection happening two blocks down the road. Minseok adjusted his lens and shutter speed and Mingzhou held up a light meter for him. The picture's clarity was quite something - the man's smile apparent as he went about his day receiving grateful messages for doing the job that most people found unpleasant.
They then went into a small 'junggug-jib' as Minseok excitedly put it. The humble Chinese restaurant was seeing a busy day, with people coming over for hangover soup after raves and others just coming for the warm ambience and filling food. Minseok declared that he would buy them something cheap, and Mingzhou agreed to take the pictures.
Mingzhou set his film camera into focus on a woman's hands as she served a bowl of Pollack soup. The colours turned into liquid as he sharpened in on her calloused fingers holding the black ceramic dish on one palm with practised caution. He waited until he could see the contents of the bowl sloshing to the side when she placed it on the table, her hands cupping either side of the precious ceramic. In that millisecond of a perfect shot, he snapped the picture.
In his mind's eye, he saw a different pair of hands; nimble fingers and tanned arms chopping onions haphazardly because of the tears clouding his vision. He saw a blinding smile when he approved of the new recipe.
He blinked the memory away in time to see the woman's polite bow to the couple who were hungrily eyeing the very generous portion of soup. They dug in as soon as she turned on her heel. Suddenly the overflowing bowl of soup made a lot of sense.
Mingzhou discreetly snapped a shot of them from a higher angle, for the sake of their privacy, to capture their contentment noticeable by posture alone. The rate at which the soup was being devoured was a speed he was accustomed to, thanks to Junfei.
Minseok returned with a paper bag that he was cradling in his arms like it was a baby he was afraid to drop. Mingzhou grinned slightly and turned the camera to his beaming face.
"What was that for?" he laughed, still clutching the paper bag to his chest.
He only shrugged in response, a goofy smile characterising it.
They sat down in a park, clearing the rack of ribs from the take out container in a matter of minutes.
Minseok licked the sauce from his thumb, a satisfied sigh leaving his lips that were tinted a faint red. "It's spicy but it's way too delicious to not endure."
Mingzhou agreed with a loud smack of his lips that were burning due to the chilli oil sauce. Most Korean foods combined sugar or condensed milk to counteract the spice - which was why Junfei used to add more chillies to all his lunches, to overpower the sweet taste that remained in his mouth.
"Will you show me how you develop your films in the darkroom," his friend asked after a few moments of silence.
It took him by surprise, "haven't you ever been?"
The taller boy shook his head in embarrassment, "I'm really really clumsy. I'd end up ruining it if I go alone. I usually send my friends to develop my film for me. Partly why digital works better for me. "
Mingzhou assented, "I have a few shots left on this roll. We can go after it's done."
An overjoyed smile painted Kim Minseok's face.
*
*
*
It had taken Mingzhou a bit of practice to get the ratios of the chemicals right. He had ruined one too many rolls of expensive film by spilling too much sodium hydroxide into the developing mix, reducing the acidity of the solution. He would come home with irritated fingers, after the chemical had splashed onto his hands, not having had the time to wash it off properly. Junfei would scold him for not being careful but cleaned the residue off, wrapped his fingers in gauze if there were blisters and volunteered to write his homework for him.
When he finally got the measurements right, he had imprinted them into his brain forcefully in the gusto of the accomplishment. It did make him feel oddly upset when Junfei wouldn't rush to his side with cotton and salve after a long day at the Darkroom.
Presently, Minseok shuffled into the darkroom behind Mingzhou's expert silhouette quietly, as if his silence would diminish his chances of upending the vials of developing agents.
Mingzhou put on rubber gloves and motioned Minseok to stand in the side, where he could see the process. He tipped in vials, muscle memory taking over his body subconsciously. His body relaxed at the calming process of developing his films. After he repeated it through his entire roll, he stretched his arms, elbows and knuckles popping loudly.
Minseok startled from the corner of his room and his elbow knocked an empty beaker, which didn't break, thankfully. They both heaved huge sighs of relief simultaneously.
"We can come back in a week," Mingzhou cleaned his hands thoroughly of the sweat that had formed under the thick rubber gloves.
"Thanks for showing me."
"Anytime." after a beat of silence, "that's what friends are for right?"
He glanced to the side hesitantly but was pleasantly surprised to see Minseok's elated grin directed at him, illuminating every corner of the darkroom.