Telehealth SUCKS

"Amazon warehouse worker. Server. Barista. Data Entry Position. Personal Assistant. Server. Bartend--"

"Shut up."

They were sitting together on her bed. May's laptop was open and the Caretaker was reading from her long, depressing job-seeking document.

"You can't do half of these," he said matter-of-factly.

She shot daggers at him through her eyes. "I know. That's why I'm making a telehealth appointment."

"Telehealth?"

May typed furiously. "I'm not going to bother explaining." She groaned. "A month? No appointments for a MONTH?"

The screen changed suddenly. Her jaw dropped. "What did you do?"

He smirked. "Your appointment is now in five minutes."

"But you can't just get me a job." She mumbled.

"That would be interfering with the natural balance of things for too long a period of time," he said patiently.

"Shut up," she said again, messing up her hair. She looked down at herself and debated changing shirts.

"What are you doing?" The Caretaker asked.

"Do I look crazy?"

He looked her up and down. "Crazy doesn't exist."

"What the--" May was busy trying to find her ugliest pair of glasses, "you're up to date on mental health terminology?"

He lay back, both hands behind his head and watched her with amusement. "Just a fact."

"Well," May gave up, "I need PILLS. I need to look sick enough for PILLS. The good kind, not the kind that I--and not too much---the kind that will let me get a job as a--" she gestured wildy towards the screen, "barista, or maybe a warehouse worker!"

There was the sound of an incoming call. May sat down and crossed her legs underneath the computer. She pushed the Caretaker as hard as she could but he refused to budge an inch.

"Seriously--UM--hi! Doctor, hi." May slapped on a lopsided smile.

The Doctor looked harassed. "What can I do for you today."

"Pills." May cursed at herself. "I mean--I'm feeling--"

"Lorazepam and Prozac didn't work for her," the unwelcome guest beside her cut in, "and Xanax made her nauseous. The Caretaker examined his nails.

"He doesn't--I mean--yes," May faltered.

The Doctor was already writing. "Yes, yes we'll get you started on Zoloft. Have you ever tried it?"

May hadn't.

"Alright, pick it up at the pharmacy."

The call ended.

May shut the laptop in shock. "Thanks. I guess."

The Caretaker took off his coat with a shrugging motion. "He was going to respond better to a guy."

"I thought that would have more steps, or you know...take longer to gain access to SSRIs."

"Half his calls are for anxiety pills." He folded up the long garment and neatly placed it behind them.

The Caretaker's silver chain was more prominently displayed now that he was without the coat. May took a closer look.

"You want to sleep with me?"

"GOD," May laughed against her will. "How is that your default question? I was looking at your chain. It's pretty."

The Caretaker glanced down at it. "It was forged by spirit hands. Cost everything I had once."

May examined it. "You spent everything you had on it? Why?"

His face closed off. "I was...feeling particularly unsatisfied with my position. It was a time of reassessment."

May considered this. "You had a mid-life crisis?" Her voice shook with laughter.

"No." He crossed his arms over his chest.

"Yes you did!" She poked him in the rib.

"I have read Carl Jung's entire works and I did NOT have a mid-life crisis." But he sounded unsure.

Without the coat, he seemed much less threatening. She noticed that his hair was somewhat flattened by the top hat that was currently resting on her desk chair.

It was all suddenly hilarious.

May broke into what felt like the best laugh she'd had in years. She laughed until tears streamed down her cheeks and her stomach ached. She laughed so hard that she barely noticed that beside her, he was laughing too. They laughed in harmony and the sound was beautiful.

Afterwards, they lay side-by-side on her bed.

"That was fun," the Caretaker said. "I've never seen a human laugh like that."

"I've never seen a spirit laugh like that either," May hiccuped.

"I suppose it is rare." He rolled on his side so that they were close enough to kiss. "Why did you want new meds?"

May kept her hands firmly at her sides. "Because Boss made me realize what I have to do to live."

"Can you not though?" His lips moved closer.

It took May far too long to realize what he'd said. "GAH." She shoved him off of her. "Seducing me is NOT going to make me do what you want."

"It usually works," he said mildly.

"Well it's not gonna work here, pal." May was pacing again.

"I can give you the greatest romance of your life," he winked, "before you die, that is."

May stopped dead. "Oh my god, some girls would totally fall for that."

He reached out a hand towards her with a lazy air.

"NO."

"Suit yourself." The Caretaker returned to his place in "Lord of the Rings" which he had stashed in the crawlspace between her bedframe and the wall.

Just then, there was a noise like a thump followed by a long groan and then silence. May sprinted out of the room and into the tiny kitchen where she found her step-father lying on the cold metal floor.

"Dad? D--Dad?" She crouched down and shook him. There was no response. May slapped her pocket but her phone was still in her room. She scrambled up and found the Caretaker surveying the situation.

"Can you take him to the hospital?" She asked frantically.

"He put on his coat again. "I can. Theoretically."

"Theoretically!" She sprinted back to her room and found her phone. She dialed 911 with shaking fingers and explained the situation. Then, she called her mom.

"JESUS CHRIST." May slammed down the phone. "My mom's stuck in the grocery store line and---oh my god." She thought of something. "Insurance. SHIT. We can't afford the ambulance. Please--" She flew across the kitchen and almost slammed into the Caretaker, one hand clutching his sleeve. "PLEASE take him."

"I can't." He detached her hand from his sleeve. "I can take you because we are bound. It is not possible otherwise."

May thought frantically. "Can you take all three of us?"

He considered this, looking down at the splayed figure on the floor, glasses askew, head lolled uncomfortably to the side. "No," he said. "I don't know if I have that kind of power."

"But you might!" May dropped to her knees. "I am BEGGING YOU. Please try."

The Caretaker towered over her. "If I do, will you choose death?"