WHY ME?

Those 1 and a half month in the hospital were dreadful. I will not make up stories just to inspire you. I was at the words of despair. One day doctor came to me, and he said: Well, I heard that you wanted to be an artist. I have a bad news for you. You wan't be able to paint again because your wrist and your arm are so deformed you won't be able to hold a paint again, and I stayed quiet.

Next day doctor came to me and said: Your spine injury is so bad you won't be able to walk again. I took a deep breath, and I said: It's all right.

That day I was devastated. I still remember. I asked my mother: why me? And that is where I started to question my existence that why am I even alive? What's the point of living? I cannot walk. I cannot paint. Fine. I am going to be an incomplete man for the rest of my life. What's the point?

What is going to happen to me? Why me ? Why am I alive?

We all try to chase this tunnel. We all do this because we see light at the end of the tunnel, which keeps us going.

My dear friends, in my situation, there was a tunnel, and I had to roll on, but there was no light, and that is where I realized that the words have the power to heal the soul.

My mother said to me: This too shall pass. God has greater plan for you. I don't know what it is, but he surely has, and in all that distress and grief somehow or the other those words were so magical that they kept me going. I was trying to put that smile on my face all the time was hiding it was so hard to hide the pain, which was there, but all I knew was that if I will give up my mother and father will give up too. I cannot see them crying with me. So, what kept me going was one day I asked my sisters I know I have a deformed hand, but I'm tired of looking at these white walls in the hospital and wearing these white scrubs. I'm getting tired of this. I want to add more colours to my life. I want to do something. Bring me some colours. Bring me some small canvas. I want to paint. So, the very first painting I made was on my death bed, where I painted for the very first time. It was not just an art piece or just my passion. It was my therapy. What an amazing therapy it was without uttering a single word I could paint my heart out.

I could share my story. People used to come and say: what lovely painting so much colours. Nobody colud see the grief in it. Only I could. So, that's how I spent one and a half months in my hospital. Crying. Never complaining or whining, but painting. And then I was discharged, and I went back home, and I went back home, and I realized that I have developed a lot of pressure ulcers on my back and on my hip bone. I was unable to sit. There were a lot of infections in my body, a lot of allergies. So, doctors wanted me to lie down on the bed straight. For not six months, for not one year, for two years. I was bedridden, confined in that one room looking outside the window, listening to the birds chirping and thinking maybe there will be a time when we'll be going out with the family, and enjoying the nature. That was the time where I realized how lucky people are, but they don't realize. That is the time where I realized that the day I'm going to sit I'm going to share this pain with everyone to make them realize how blessed they are, and they don't even consider them lucky. There are always turning points in your life. There was a rebirth day that I celebrated after two years and one and a half months, when I was able able to sit on a wheelchair that was the day when I had the rebirth. I was completely different person. I still remember the day I sat on the wheelchair for the first time knowing that I'm never going to leave this. I saw myself in the mirror, and I talked to myself, and I still remember what I said. I cannot wait for a miracle to come and make me walk. I cannot sit in the corner of the room crying cribbing and begging for mercy because nobody has time.

So, I have to accept myself the way I am. The sooner the better. So, I applied the hair gel for the first time, and I removed it, and I cried. And I said: what am I doing? A person on a wheelchair should not do this. What will people say? Clean it up. Put it again. This time I put it for myself because I wanted to feel perfect from within, and that day I have decided that I am going live life for myself. I am not going to be that perfect person for someone. I'm just going to take this moment, and I will make it perfect for myself. And you know how it all began. That day I decided that I'm going to fight my fears. We all have fears. Fear of unknown. Fear of known. Fear of losing people. Fear of losing help. Money.

We want to excel in a career. We want to become famous. We want to get money. We are scared all the time. So, I wrote down one by one all those fears, and I decided that I'm going to overcome these fears one at a time. You know what was my biggest fear? Failure. I couldn't stand this word. I said: No.

I have to make it works, but the day I decided that this nothing, but my fear. And I made myself emotionally so strong.