The Void Ego

*Please forgive all my grammar and punctuations. I am not a native speaker.*

I am a normal person. I have no distinctive features.

At school, I only have normal grades. It is not too high, not too low either. I do not have a favourite subject nor an un-favourable one. I do sports, but not that good or bad.

I have friends. Although I am not bullied by anyone, I do not get invited to parties. I do not wish to have a girlfriend, nor do I want anyone to notice me.

My household is not filthy rich, nor they are in so much debt that I needed to work in my freetime.

I am neither good looking nor bad. I have black hair, brown eyes with glasses like viturally any boys in my country. My figure is almost indistinguishable in a crowd. When I am on the street, chances are even my family would not notice me.

To sum it up, I am dispensable. Or at least I think it is.

I used to think, even til now I still do, that when my life suddenly perishes, my family would mourn for my death, my friends would be in shock for a few days, and then things would be the same all over again.

Nothing would change when I die, since I am normal.

I did try to improve myself in the past. And to be honest, it worked. I was better, my grades got better, I got better relationships, I laughed more.

But I felt no achievements.

I did not feel happy.

I did not find the sense of fulfillment.

Hard work did gave me something better. I truly believe every thing would be better if I try hard enough.

The thing is, why would I do that? Why do I need to improve? Why do I need to have better grades? To perform better? To stand above my peers?

I did not see the point.

For a better future?

But why?

What kind of future am I looking for?

Do I want money? Or power? Or a family?

What would I do with more money? What would I do with more power? What do I do if I had my own family?

I could not understand that.

Money will stop making sense after reaching a certain amount.

Power will only fuels more power, thus creating more struggle.

Family is just not my interest.

Why are people fighting for something? I do not get that.

I have always felt empty because of that reason.

I undestand hard work pays. That also means if someone is slacking of, they would not have a good result.

Then, if everything is because of your actions, if consequences exist because of someone, why feel joy, why feel sadness?

If it is because you worked hard, why feel happy at all? You fought for it, so you got it. Is that not just simple logic?

You failed because you did not perform. Why are you crying? If it is your mistake, why are you feeling down?

Slowly, I realized that I lack something.

I do not compare people above me or lower me with myself.

I do not compare tomorrow or yesterday with the present.

I can not progress, while everyone is moving forward.

I lack an ego.

There is no "me".

I can not cry or smile because inside me, there is a void.

I can not clearly comprehend the void. I just feel like it is there everyday, every hour, every minute.

I wish, to a fallen star, that I would feel something. Anything. I would have loved to cry while seeing a moving, or to feel happy thanks to a good test result.

I would like to feel the warmth of a girlfriend.

I would love to hold hands, or even have sex.

I would love to feel a sense of connection to someone, or something.

But I just can not do it.

It did not feel good.

Everyday, I wake up with the same mentality.

I brush my teeth, have a shower, and go to school. At lunch time, I would have lunch with my friends, and then participate in the afternoon classes. When school is over, I do some club activities, and then go home, preparing for cram school.

It is the same.

Everyday. For the last 12 years of my academic life.

And I think I have had enough of it.

Thus, I decided to try and end my own life.

However, even when I am standing on the balcony of a tall building, I do not feel fear.

Is it "tranquility"? Is it a good word? There is a hint of serenity while standing on something so high. The sky is not out of reach, and the wind blows strongly through my hair.

However, looking down at the ground, I just feel...normal.

What I am about to do, and what comes after it, are both in my mind.

And I do not feel relieve or anxious.

Death, to me, is but a consequence from my actions.

It makes perfect sense from a logical point.

But coincidentally, by the time I was about to jump, I heard a voice of a lady.

"You gotta take turns, you know?"

Not mad, not nervous. There was no hesitation in her voice.

She simply said the thing like normal.

I turned and took a glance of the lady.

She is...simply put...normal. Just like me. There is nothing too special about her appearance. She is not beautiful, she is not bad-looking. She is neither too fat or too thin.

She has a brown hair cut into a short bob style, black eyes, and also glasses.

I feel like meeting my own kind.

"I was here first, so you gotta do it after me." She said.

When I was about to say something, she cut me off.

"You look familiar. You followed me didn't you? Trying to stop me from jumping?"

"No, I was thinking about the samething."

"Then you gotta take turns. I need to go first. I need this." Her voice seems so indifferent, so calm, even when she is about to end her own life.

"I apologize for overstepping."

"Don't worry about it. We are about to finish our business after all."

"Out of curiosity, and also you are about to jump anyway, may I ask for the reason?" A little hesitant, I asked.

"I am being bullied." She said in an instant.

"...Sorry about that."

"Again, do not worry. But could you move out of the way?"

"Certainly. Please." I stood out of the way.

"Thank you. And here I g..."

A flicker of emotion sparkled in my void.

I do not want to see her go.

"Would you go out with me?"

I shouted out of the blue.

"Okay."

And she agreed.