"Her pale, trembling hands"

[November 20th, 2021]

As she filled her sheets confidently, Aurora felt her heart throbbing. Her heart-beat felt so loud that she thought everyone around her could hear it. It was followed by a sharp flexion of her retinal veins causing her vision to blur, and her hands to tremble. She couldn't write anymore. There was still half a sheet to cover, but no strength at all was left in her. She clenched her fist tightly after letting go of her pen and placed her head on top of her desk. Lucy, who was looking here and there, noticed her and felt suspicious.

"Sir," Lucy called out the invigilator. "I think Aurora isn't feeling well." She said pointing towards Aurora.

As Aurora heard her say that, she quickly raised her head, grabbed her pen and began writing.

"I'm.." She had to pause, "I'm fine." She added as she continued to write while her hands still shivered. She wanted to believe it was because of the cold.

The exam didn't go good for her. Not even when she studied the entire night. 'As if having cancer wasn't enough.' She thought to herself until she looked at Lucy running towards her. 'I'm not allowed to think that, right?'

"Aurora!" Lucy was always loud. "Are you alright?!" She asked with her eyes looking damp, she would cry if needed.

"I'm fine." Aurora said with a chuckle. 'I'm really not allowed to think that way' She thought to herself, grabbed Lucy's arm and stepped out the classroom in search of the rest.

They were all seated in different classrooms. For some unknown reason, Giselle was in a classroom where none of them were seated, unfortunately. They had lunch together and decided for group studies again. However, Aurora declined the invitation.

"But why? I thought you couldn't study alone..." Giselle said.

Aurora had a radio-therapy session, an MRI and a possible needle-biopsy today. There was no way she could accompany her friends. She couldn't possibly tell them she had cancer and had treatments today. Not only would that hurt them emotionally, but also interfere with their studies. How could she ever tell them when they had their own worries?

"History is easy... I think I'm gonna study alone and watch some clips to memorize things." Aurora explained her lies.

Giselle nodded, and had everyone leave Aurora to the bus-stop before going to the library. Aurora waved to her friends while leaving, for the hospital. She texted her mother otherwise, that she'd be late because of group studies. She kept thinking if she should at least tell her parents or not, in the end, she was worried.

If seeing happy Aurora made everyone happy, then seeing sad Aurora wouldn't be anything other than making everyone sad, right? She wished she could tell someone. She wanted to get it out of her mind. It was hard as it is, to hide the symptoms. Lying everyday made it harder.

Aurora quickly got off the bus to visit Dr. Matthias at the hospital. She entered his room after a knock to see her father seated in front of Dr. Matthias. She gasped in surprise, and looked at the doctor with her eyes widely open.

A series of thoughts streamed across her eyes as she lost balance. Her eyes were wide open, but she had lost her consciousness. She hadn't imagined Dr. Matthias giving her off.

She woke up on the hospital bed, in a hospital gown, with her father seated alongside. She was lost at words.

"It is okay, Aurora." His father assured her as she saw her open her eyes.

Aurora quietly tried to avoid eye contact. Dr. Matthias appeared with her reports in his hand. She closed her eyes tightly, thinking her father knew about all of this while she tried so hard to hide it. She was at the verge of crying but tears wouldn't show up.

"Now that you've woken up, we should proceed with the therapy sessions." Dr. Matthias said calmly.

"Give her some time." Her father said. "Aurora, how are you feeling?" He asked.

Aurora shook her head. She felt as if she was suffocating and wanted to run away. Now that her father knew, everyone will know right? Everyone will give her special treatments while they're stressed out of their own lives right? She didn't want that. She never asked for any of it. She couldn't think or talk anymore.

They proceeded with her radiation therapy sessions, and palliative care plan where she was let alone with the care team. She finally had the chance to address her problems. However, she didn't want to as the care team notes everything down.

"You want to tell us about your recent symptoms?" One of the workers in the team asked her politely.

"Nausea, Trembling... Headaches. I can't focus either. I'm slowly losing my appetite." Aurora replied slowly.

"You passed out today too, what did you feel before passing out?"

"I'd rather not say."

"We're here to help, Aurora." He said. "Alright, what about emotional symptoms? Is there something you feel like you need to talk about?" He asked calmly.

"No."

Aurora closed herself. For everyone, and everything. Her feelings were so complex at the moment. She never expected her father to find out. Now that he does, she was just feeling anxious overall and the care team could tell how worse it got for her.

After getting everything done at the hospital, her dad had her seated in their car to drive back to home. She didn't say a single word the entire time. Neither did her father bring anything up. Knowing her anxiety, she would totally not talk to him after today. He wanted to tell her so many things, positive things.

He wanted to tell her that he respected her thoughts for not telling anyone till now. But he couldn't. He was just as heartbroken. His daughter was in pain, how could he possibly not feel her pain? Of course he did. That is why, it became hard for him to talk. He still wanted to say something, even a single word would do it.

He mustered all his courage up as they finally reached home.

"Wait! Aurora..." He asked Aurora, as she almost opened the door to run inside.

She had been trying to avoid talking to him, but now that he had said something, she couldn't just ignore him so she kept seated.

"I know you're troubled, I know you didn't want me to know and I know why you didn't want me or anyone to know and it's totally fine that you didn't!" Words popped out of his mouth without stopping. "I won't tell your mother... Or your friends until you feel comfortable about it. I just... Wanted to at least accompany you to your sessions. And if you think I shouldn't, then I won't. I just want you to know I'm there for you no matter what and you can totally talk to me about anything. Please." He waited for a reply eagerly.

Aurora figured he won't be saying anything else so she opened the door and ran inside. She wasn't ready to reply yet, when all her emotions were bullying her so much. She quickly went to her room, locked her door and lied down on the bed.

She wanted to cry. But she couldn't and that's what made her mad. Her hands trembled as she thought about her father accompanying her to her sessions. No. She didn't want that. She should've just told him that she wanted to go alone.

She didn't want him to think she was suffering in any way. She didn't want anyone to think she was suffering. She let her thoughts eat her away as she fell asleep.

[November 20th, 2020]

Another day, where the sun shined as bright as ever and the snow made the scenery more beautiful, had arrived. Another day, without school. However, Aurora liked her days, with or without school. She liked them as long as she got to see everyone happy and kicking. It was time to fill her to-do list with check marks.

So, she texted Ethan to see if he was working. And he was working, like she guessed. So she asked if she could lend him a hand. Ethan usually did his work himself no matter how desperate he would be for money but Aurora knew ways to convince anyone.

"So you're not gonna let me help you?" Aurora typed furiously.

"No. You can work for yourself if you want. But you keep what you work for." Ethan replied.

"But I wanna help you!" Aurora typed.

"I can't use the result of your hard-work."

"Okay fine! Just tell me where you are so I can make money with you, for myself... Better?"

Ethan texted her the address to the fast-food place he was working at. Fortunately, they needed one more staff member. So, Aurora joined in. She saw him work diligently. Even if it was just a fast-food restaurant, he was true to his work. S

he was working as a waitress, while he was receiving orders from customers and organizing them. Fast-food restaurants weren't bad to work at.

Their boss was nice too. At their tiny 30 minute break, she sat along-side Ethan when their co-workers offered them burgers. What a place! They fed the newbies for their first lunch apparently.

"Ethan, do you have something you wanna buy? Something you've been saving for?" Aurora asked bluntly while chewing on her burger.

Ethan rolled his eyes up to think for a while.

"Maybe a new blender..." He said. "You know I don't have time to cook. My blender broke anyway..." He added. "But I have other priorities."

Aurora smiled. She knew her goal now. Earn enough for a good blender. She also had in mind, a combo-blender, so it is not just about blending but other things that make his cooking faster. After work, she received her first ever pay-check.

Since she was a one-day employee, they had already told her that they'd give her the pay-check as soon as she is done working. She went home quickly and searched for good blenders online. She wanted to get the 3-way blender which comprised of a crusher, juicer, and a regular blender. She felt as if that would be faster for him.

She also knew what kind of things he would put in a blender so she gave it all thoughts necessary. Ethan was a gym freak, despite his looks, and his short time. His brother had gifted him a few things, like barbells and dumbbells so he could stay fit at home without having to pay for gyms. So, he had made his diet protein focused too.

The things he would put in blenders was, without any doubt, proteins. He also mentioned once, about a recipe he read online. So, Aurora knew this was going to be help for him. She also knew he wouldn't just accept it as a gift either.

Ethan may be a hard-worker, but he was still the dumbest in the group second to only Lucy. Aurora texted him from her father's number which he hadn't saved.

"Congratulations, you have won a 3-way blender for your gym blog!" Aurora tried to make it sound like he won that blender.

He once wrote a blog about gym so it was a perfect opportunity.

"OMG! Really?" Ethan texted back quickly.

Aurora couldn't help but laugh. His reaction was funny to her. However, she felt as if he deserved that blender, specially after today, where she saw him working above his capacity. He deserved a little something now, did he? She further texted him about his address so she could deliver it to him. To make it less suspicious, She asked for 1$ for shipping.

Ethan shared a picture about the blender he just won because of his well-written blog, in the group chat.

"Wow! We were just talking about a blender today, Ethan! Congratulations!" Aurora replied.

"Yeah! They only asked 1$ for shipping too!" Ethan was excited. "I saved money, I'm glad." He added.

"Are you sure it is not some fake used product?" Giselle let her concerns follow up.

"No... I tested it. They're legit!" Ethan replied.

"That's so cool. You won't have to work over-time now!" Lucy replied.

"Lucky." Sean texted as well.

Another beautiful day was almost over. The sun was down and the moon was up. Aurora was able to put a check-mark on her to-do list.

1. First thing after semester break starts, grocery shopping with mom : Check.

2. Sleep-over with Giselle :

3. Helping Ethan with a part-time job : Check.

4. Visiting Lucy's Dad's grave on his death anniversary :

5. Talking things out with Sean and his alters :

6. Taking piano classes :

Aurora's to-do list for this semester break was successful so far. She hoped for better outcomes of course. She couldn't help but think about everything she had done so far. She felt proud in a way too. If she was, in any way, lessening someone's burden than that was reassuring for her. She hoped the next day would be just as beautiful as she fell asleep for the night.